Articles 12/19/2002 – 6/2/2011
From BDR’s loathing of Patch Adams to Koba’s tour overseas, these articles contain all the joy and misery of the human condition, as well as a megaphone, which contains both at once.
DEAD RISING 2 AND THE LACK OF REBINDABLE CONTROLS
Looking at the review averages for this game, it’s pegged at about 77%. HOW? It lacks one of those most basic interface options in PC gaming, rendering it unplayable
Let’s violate an NDA with E. L. Koba’s memoirs from Operation Iraqi Freedom 2!
PARENTING THROUGH NICK Jr.
Here’s a quick rundown of some of the shows that have been shown in my household in the 6 months since we realized that my kid was paying attention to the TV… so I couldn’t just sit there watching horror movies anymore.
TALES FROM BAHRAIN VOLUME ONE
Quentin took a job teaching English in Bahrain. He checks in after the first couple of weeks.
TOP [SOME] SCARIEST BANDS
So as a young, violin-playing nerdlinger growing up, I didn’t know much about rock music, and what I did know scared the shit out of me.
CUT IT OUT JERRY: THE BOMBMEXICO STORY
One man’s act of unwarranted kindness towards an occasionally violent Canadian of questionable worth.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FINALE
This article contains spoilers!
THE TYPING CONTEST
Does Sassy type faster than you?
American Beauty is a horrible movie for horrible people.
GOOGLE CREATES SOMETHING TERRIBLE
Are you surprised? I’m surprised. Usually whatever they make is instantly awesome. This is shit.
RENTING A SNAKE
Two months ago, my sewer backed up and flooded the basement.
THE TOP 100 INDIE GAMES
Here’s a list of 100 indie games that I’ve enjoyed. This list includes freeware games, shareware games, japanese indie import games, mods, and works in progress (WIP).
WII AND DS POST-HOLIDAY ROUNDUP
Here is a list of games I’ve played in the last few weeks or months conveniently reviewed after it could possibly matter.
THE XBOX CAMERA OUTRAGE OF 2006
“we don’t wanna see a small c*** on cam no wonder it took them ages to figure out what it was i know the camera has a zoom but it probably wasn’t good enough to go that close.”
THE SHRINE MAIDEN PROJECT
Why would anyone even give a crap about a series of home-coded 2D indie shoot-em-ups from Japan?
OUR HISTORY OF CO-OP GAMES
Being identical twin bruddas, we had to share everything, including the Nintendo.
LEFT 4 DEAD PREVIEW
In an effort to get the word out about their upcoming Half-Life 2 zombie mod, Turtle Rock flew myself and Jsoh Cable to Valve’s offices for a day of previewing.
The amazing variety of characters ranges from “David Caruso” to “some other idiot.”
TOP MOMENTS IN GAMING
Let Fussbett take you on a gaming voyage that spans decades!
SO I BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE
I can’t drive to a good neighborhood because my truck, now 8 years old, has developed some kind of truck diabetes.
THE JOYS OF ARCADE OWNERSHIP
“This is horrifying,” I said to the Mexicans. “It’s too big.”
NFL 2005 PREVIEW PART TWO: THE NFC
Bill gives you the rundown on all four NFC divisions.
NFL 2005 PREVIEW PART ONE: THE AFC
Bill tells you everything you need to know about the AFC this year, division
CGW’S WHORIEST REVIEW EVER
Who the fuck is Darren Gladstone? His review of Doom 3 in this months CGW (“This is one hell of a ride!” HAHA get it?) has singlehandedly totally annihilated whatever respect I had left for the mag after their loathsome, craven Black&White review.
HALF-LIFE II MOD PREVIEW: JAY SCHILLING EDITION
Our first Half-Life 2 Mod Preview set the mod world on fire. We were able to conclusively prove that video game fans not only have terrible game ideas but in fact are actively trying to set human entertaiment BACK several decades. Some people got angry. Mod makers told us that the mods we featured were now defunct. I can only apologize for our lag time and explain that it’s very difficult to publish these Mod Preview articles before the mods disband. It’s a race against time, time being the mod conceptualist getting a summer job.
TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR THOSE GAY GAMEFAQS WRITERS
After our helpful thread on GameFAQs regarding this topic was summarily deleted, we decided to go ahead and change the venue to our home stadium.
HALF-LIFE 2 MOD PREVIEW
When Valve started releasing footage of the Half-Life 2 engine, gamers everywhere imagined all of the endless and magical mod possibilities. You and I most likely kept our embarassing ideas to ourselves, but some people wrote their ideas down and made websites.
METAL GEAR SOLID 3 REVIEW
Due to an ingenius plot twist in the now future Metal Gear Solid 3, I was able to travel back in time from when the game was (or will be) released in America, to just days after the E3 show. I won’t tell you when it will be released, I would like to save that as a surprise for you, readers!
PENNY ARCADE LANWERX TRIP REPORT
I went to the Penny-Arcade get-together at Lanwerx in Bellevue today. For future historians, that would be the ‘first’ one. I say first because in a move that stands a fair shake of eclipsing the Holocaust as the worst thing a couple of humans have ever inflicted upon a culture, Tycho and Gabe have decided at the time of this article being written to make this a regular event.
ARCHITECTURE IS DEAD. LONG LIVE ARCHITECTURE.
That’s the opening line of the lecture that I’ll present someday at a prestigious university. It’s also the closing line, and after I slam the microphone down and throw a chair into the crowd, I’ll be on my way to Taschen to sign a book deal for USD $4 million. You can go very far in this profession without saying much of anything, and I may as well begin now during a time when the economy has more or less crippled the industry.
NFL SEASON FORECAST AND WEEK ONE PREDICTIONS
Hey faggots, it’s that time of year again. Time to get all worked up and sweaty for the new football season! Time to get oiled up and lathered over your team’s prospects of making the Super Bowl! Time to stiffen up and get pumped on your draft picks and free agent acquisitions!
METAL GEAR SOLID 3 PREVIEW
The story of the next highly anticipated Metal Gear Solid game involves Solid Snake, the man with the cock-like name, going insane in a jungle somewhere after realizing the possibility that love can’t bloom on a battlefield. Snake ends up wildly hallucinating a massive scale attack in the jungle, as he wanders around alone in reality.
HALF-LIFE 2 PREVIEW
Gabe told me not to tell ANYONE about this, not even my own brother, who was sitting next to me the entire time anyway. He said if I did, he’d cancel the entire game and never release it, and deny any knowledge of the game, or the interview taking place. So I didn’t tell anyone.
BALDUR’S GATE IS A RIPOFF OF THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY
After hours of watching the films, years of playing the games, and a lifetime of jerking off, the conclusion is obvious. I’m addicted to porn! Oh, and the stupid Baldur’s Gate games are a ripoff of the original Star Wars trilogy. The proof is
TOP TEN WORST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES
Ah, sex. It has been said that sex is like pizza: that even when it’s bad, it’s still good. You know who says that? Guys who can’t get laid and sit around eating pizza instead.
TOP TEN WORST THINGS I’VE EVER JACKED OFF TO
The only thing more pathetic than beating off is beating off to the wrong things.
PATCH ADAMS: THE MAN, THE FILM, THE MOTHERFUCKING HEMORRHAGING CUNTPUNCH OF AMERICAN MEDICINE
God, I fucking hate this fucking festering cunting hemorrhoidal squirt of a film. I truly believe this film was made solely for my benefit, to drive me utterly insane and get me to start killing random people, like a code word for a sleeper agent. I hate this film more than any fucking film made, ever. If someone made a snuff film starring my own mother, I’d still hate Patch Adams more than that film.