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Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by Zsenitan 07/14/2009, 12:29pm PDT
WELP I saw this on like Friday with a bunch of dicks from Customer Service and their unimaginably ugly girlfriends. Pre-film conversation (over well drinks in a bar full of other unimaginably ugly people) centered on Megan Fox' perfection, then the dick with an iPhone tore out pictures of Megan Fox' thumbs.


Caption: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Then I took a fellow asthete out back and plowed through a thermos full of bourbon with him. We were not unfamiliar with the reviews and felt that between the inherent quality of the movie and Megan Fox' thumbs, we needed an adequate cushion. I brought (and wore) earplugs. The purist in the group, who had already seen the movie a few times, swore that we were doing ourselves a disservice with these flagellate attempts at self-preservation. The only way to do Tran2 was sober, serious, and naked.

As it turned out I didn't really feel the liquor as the movie was already very disorienting. I can safely agree with the purist.

Transformers 2 is the ultimate triumph of technical theatre guys over the actors, directors, playwrights, editors, and audience.

The performances have been randomly sampled from Transformers 1 and Dumbo, and the script was written by a cut-up program operating on Transformers fan-fiction. Plots randomly arise and disappear without a trace in a fashion similar to The Room. Like a pagan fetish, the skeleton of a single linear plot lurks darkly in the margins draped with the tatters of other ideas that have been hung upon it until it's no longer recognizable anymore.

So it's useless to try and watch it as a movie. It's more like Akira Kurosawa's Dreams than a proper film, except instead of an orderly series of lyrical complete stories, there are glistening interrupted chunks of film ideas blown out at tremendous force and spattered onto a screen. You should be able to browse Trans2 as any chunk is as good as another. Let's take a list of some fun chunks instead of worrying about film school concerns.

* Robot abortion (let's emphasize this real quick for the readers at home. ROBOT ABORTION.)
* Robot scrotum
* Robot Song Of The South
* Robot Atomos
* The most wonderful take on robot vagina dentata
* Revisiting all our favorite scenes from Indiana Jones 3
* A sojourn at an alternate-universe bombed-out Hogwarts
* Megan Fox' jiggling tits in extended takes
* Megan Fox rapid-fire stripping (she does not finish the job, but you might say that she transforms.)
* A camera following jet-form Starscream gets water vapor on the lens...
* ...yet film is still full-up on Whatever Technology
* A decommissioned and disgraced member of the intelligence community randomly calls up the captain of a battleship carrying an experimental weapon, and persuades the captain to fire the weapon.
* Giant space gun/sun destroyer concealed in a pyramid

My single favorite scene is one in which a presidental emissary arrives on the secret Transformers military base and talks an enormous lot of condescending shit at the commanding officer and his sidekick. Then, after he leaves, the sidekick (race: Transformers Black 2, "serious and military serious military", as opposed to Transformers Black 1, "Flavor Flav in blackface") mutters "I don't like that guy."

"WELL WHY NOT?" I screamed at the screen, infuriating everyone behind me.

There are several hundred chunks dedicated to showing Shia LeBoeuf. These are the weakest in the movie. Any time Shia is on the screen you can safely shut down, mentally, until he's gone, since his only purpose appears to be learning to accept that it's pretty great to be a boy.

I think everyone should go see Transformers 2, unironically.
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I LOVE Dana Stevens! by laudablepuss 06/25/2009, 1:57pm PDT NEW
    She probably lost 25 of them when they name-dropped Obama NT by Fortinyoun Voidbringer 06/25/2009, 1:59pm PDT NEW
    Re: I LOVE Dana Stevens! by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/25/2009, 2:43pm PDT NEW
        Hur hur, I know you guys keep joshing her, hur hur by laudablepuss 06/25/2009, 2:59pm PDT NEW
            Re: Hur hur, I know you guys keep joshing her, hur hur by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/25/2009, 3:21pm PDT NEW
                Nice potential stalking victim, I THINK I'LL TAKE HER by bombMexico 06/25/2009, 6:24pm PDT NEW
                    Re: Nice potential stalking victim, I THINK I'LL TAKE HER by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/26/2009, 9:37am PDT NEW
                        If we were gentlemanly posters like Entropy Stew we could duel over her by bombMexico 06/26/2009, 5:22pm PDT NEW
                            This summer, excitement has Man-E-Faces... by Gruman 06/26/2009, 7:47pm PDT NEW
                            Re: If we were gentlemanly posters like Entropy Stew we could duel over her by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/26/2009, 11:18pm PDT NEW
                            Caltrops must be mobilized by Bunyip 06/28/2009, 5:47pm PDT NEW
                                Thundercats: The Next Furlennium NT by Entropy Stew 06/28/2009, 6:57pm PDT NEW
                                Voltron: The Gathering NT by Mischief Maker 06/28/2009, 7:16pm PDT NEW
                                M.A.S.K: Unmasked NT by Rafiki 06/29/2009, 11:36am PDT NEW
                                Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Ahh fuck. NT by Fussbett 06/29/2009, 11:42am PDT NEW
                                The Smurfs: Asymptotic Protocols of Trancendence NT by Zsenitan 06/29/2009, 11:46am PDT NEW
                                Care Bears: Wrath of Ubbo-Sathla NT by E. L. Koba 06/29/2009, 12:38pm PDT NEW
                                Spiral Zone: You Don't Remember, But It Was Awesome, We Swear NT by Horrible Gelatinous Blob 06/29/2009, 2:44pm PDT NEW
                                Voltron: The Legend of the Missing Lion Fist (it was thrown away by your mom). NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 06/29/2009, 2:46pm PDT NEW
                                He Man: Pride of Eternia NT by up with pod people 06/29/2009, 2:53pm PDT NEW
                                snooped by cracked.com (ok everyone can stop posting now) by Weyoun Voidbringer 06/29/2009, 3:22pm PDT NEW
                                Battle Beasts: The Elements Clash NT by Worm 06/29/2009, 3:31pm PDT NEW
                                i thought i had until the 30th >:( by bombMexico 06/29/2009, 6:11pm PDT NEW
                                    Oh, I figured out why you thought you had more time by Ice Cream Jonsey 07/02/2009, 9:54am PDT NEW
                                        Cobra Commander, General Zod, Kane, Cartman, Hitler...Ice Cream Jonesy :( by bombMexico 07/02/2009, 10:43pm PDT NEW
                                            Re: Cobra Commander, General Zod, Kane, Cartman, Hitler...Ice Cream Jonesy :( by Ice Cream Jonsey 07/03/2009, 12:05am PDT NEW
                                                Guys, let's get this libel train rolling down the track. by Fullofkittens 07/03/2009, 4:02am PDT NEW
                                                Jonesy, why do you even put up with those childish assholes? *FORUMS DELETED* NT by Dana Stevens 07/03/2009, 8:51am PDT NEW
                    I feel like I've seen this woman somewhere before... by Jerry Whorebach 07/06/2009, 1:00am PDT NEW
        ICJ you're wrong, Transformers 2 kicks ass NT by CO2 06/26/2009, 10:11pm PDT NEW
            ICJ thought king of kong was a documentary, and he still plays muds and text adv NT by Weyoun Voidbringer 06/27/2009, 1:09am PDT NEW
            I saw this through no fault of my own. by 07/04/2009, 3:33pm PDT NEW
                I also am attracted to the call you call "Megan Fox" NT by Exthor 07/04/2009, 3:40pm PDT NEW
                    On my planet well call girls calls. Seeing a call girl gets very confusing. NT by Exthor 07/04/2009, 3:41pm PDT NEW
    I didn't want to see this movie until she wrote that NT by Weyoun Voidbringer 06/26/2009, 9:58am PDT NEW
    Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by Zsenitan 07/14/2009, 12:29pm PDT NEW
        Oh shit QB reminded me: yes, there's an "old" robot who is inexplicably British- by accented and who swaps sides. WHAT. 07/14/2009, 12:34pm PDT NEW
        that script cost eight million dollars by gruman 07/14/2009, 12:47pm PDT NEW
            AHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NT by Zsenitan 07/14/2009, 12:51pm PDT NEW
        I almost read this whole post, wow her thumb is fucked (is that a bandaid?) by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/14/2009, 1:21pm PDT NEW
        Triple irony: unironically coming up with convoluted reasons to justify ironic by viewing of horrible movie -Hipster 07/14/2009, 1:37pm PDT NEW
            Fabio, why can't you take your problems with hipsters to the hipsters by Zsenitan 07/14/2009, 2:44pm PDT NEW
                Who fucking cares NT by Fortinbras 07/14/2009, 3:14pm PDT NEW
                    PKB. Also: dispatches from the war on posting. NT by Zsenitan 07/14/2009, 3:20pm PDT NEW
                Re: Fabio, why can't you take your problems with hipsters to the hipsters by 07/14/2009, 3:55pm PDT NEW
                you are a hipster, ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!! NT by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/14/2009, 4:07pm PDT NEW
                The perfectly defensible reason to hate hipsters (within) by Fullofkittens 07/14/2009, 6:57pm PDT NEW
                    Hate from the heart, not from the mind! NT by Worm 07/14/2009, 7:08pm PDT NEW
                    I am reminded about that article on why hipster chicks are so hot from rolling s NT by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/14/2009, 8:22pm PDT NEW
                    yes by FABIO 07/14/2009, 8:29pm PDT NEW
                        Re: yes by Creexuls, a monster >:3 07/14/2009, 8:35pm PDT NEW
                            (link above is NWS) NT by Fullofkittens 07/15/2009, 9:12am PDT NEW
                                More like Not Jurisdiction Safe NT by Fortinbras 07/15/2009, 9:50am PDT NEW
                                The fact that it says alisakiss hentaibunny wasn't enough of a clue? 8( NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 07/15/2009, 11:27am PDT NEW
                            Re: yes by Zsenitan 07/16/2009, 4:35pm PDT NEW
                                hm I wonder what mc chris has to say about kingdom hearts NT by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/16/2009, 4:46pm PDT NEW
                                half of that site is about world of shitfuck, it's horrible by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/16/2009, 5:05pm PDT NEW
                                    all of their author icons are fucking wow characters (no horde but belfs also) by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/16/2009, 9:58pm PDT NEW
                                        picture EXTREMELY related to topic by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/16/2009, 11:32pm PDT NEW
                                    "Honestly, give me an asshole screaming on voice chat for me to pick up my game" NT by Fortinbras 07/17/2009, 12:32am PDT NEW
                                        it's hard to fish for pity if you are crying for no good reason, hence the quote NT by Weyoun Voidbringer 07/17/2009, 1:17am PDT NEW
                                "Graphic Novels are vastly under appreciated." by Suzie, a girl 07/16/2009, 9:45pm PDT NEW
                    Compellingly reasonable yet... by Zsenitan 07/15/2009, 10:10am PDT NEW
                Re: Fabio, why can't you take your problems with hipsters to the hipsters by Haile Selassie 07/15/2009, 11:47am PDT NEW
        Re: Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by 07/14/2009, 3:49pm PDT NEW
            Re: Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by Jerry Whorebach 07/14/2009, 6:14pm PDT NEW
                Re: Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by 07/14/2009, 10:02pm PDT NEW
        You=Boring by Boring=You 09/10/2009, 8:57pm PDT NEW
 
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