The Zionist Media Conspiracy
|| by Zsenitan 07/14/2009, 12:29pm PDT
||WELP I saw this on like Friday with a bunch of dicks from Customer Service and their unimaginably ugly girlfriends. Pre-film conversation (over well drinks in a bar full of other unimaginably ugly people) centered on Megan Fox' perfection, then the dick with an iPhone tore out pictures of Megan Fox' thumbs.
Then I took a fellow asthete out back and plowed through a thermos full of bourbon with him. We were not unfamiliar with the reviews and felt that between the inherent quality of the movie and Megan Fox' thumbs, we needed an adequate cushion. I brought (and wore) earplugs. The purist in the group, who had already seen the movie a few times, swore that we were doing ourselves a disservice with these flagellate attempts at self-preservation. The only way to do Tran2 was sober, serious, and naked.
As it turned out I didn't really feel the liquor as the movie was already very disorienting. I can safely agree with the purist.
Transformers 2 is the ultimate triumph of technical theatre guys over the actors, directors, playwrights, editors, and audience.
The performances have been randomly sampled from Transformers 1 and Dumbo, and the script was written by a cut-up program operating on Transformers fan-fiction. Plots randomly arise and disappear without a trace in a fashion similar to The Room. Like a pagan fetish, the skeleton of a single linear plot lurks darkly in the margins draped with the tatters of other ideas that have been hung upon it until it's no longer recognizable anymore.
So it's useless to try and watch it as a movie. It's more like Akira Kurosawa's Dreams than a proper film, except instead of an orderly series of lyrical complete stories, there are glistening interrupted chunks of film ideas blown out at tremendous force and spattered onto a screen. You should be able to browse Trans2 as any chunk is as good as another. Let's take a list of some fun chunks instead of worrying about film school concerns.
* Robot abortion (let's emphasize this real quick for the readers at home. ROBOT ABORTION.)
* Robot scrotum
* Robot Song Of The South
* Robot Atomos
* The most wonderful take on robot vagina dentata
* Revisiting all our favorite scenes from Indiana Jones 3
* A sojourn at an alternate-universe bombed-out Hogwarts
* Megan Fox' jiggling tits in extended takes
* Megan Fox rapid-fire stripping (she does not finish the job, but you might say that she transforms.)
* A camera following jet-form Starscream gets water vapor on the lens...
* ...yet film is still full-up on Whatever Technology
* A decommissioned and disgraced member of the intelligence community randomly calls up the captain of a battleship carrying an experimental weapon, and persuades the captain to fire the weapon.
* Giant space gun/sun destroyer concealed in a pyramid
My single favorite scene is one in which a presidental emissary arrives on the secret Transformers military base and talks an enormous lot of condescending shit at the commanding officer and his sidekick. Then, after he leaves, the sidekick (race: Transformers Black 2, "serious and military serious military", as opposed to Transformers Black 1, "Flavor Flav in blackface") mutters "I don't like that guy."
"WELL WHY NOT?" I screamed at the screen, infuriating everyone behind me.
There are several hundred chunks dedicated to showing Shia LeBoeuf. These are the weakest in the movie. Any time Shia is on the screen you can safely shut down, mentally, until he's gone, since his only purpose appears to be learning to accept that it's pretty great to be a boy.
I think everyone should go see Transformers 2, unironically.
I LOVE Dana Stevens! by 06/25/2009, 1:57pm PDT
She probably lost 25 of them when they name-dropped Obama NT by 06/25/2009, 1:59pm PDT
Re: I LOVE Dana Stevens! by 06/25/2009, 2:43pm PDT
Hur hur, I know you guys keep joshing her, hur hur by 06/25/2009, 2:59pm PDT
Re: Hur hur, I know you guys keep joshing her, hur hur by 06/25/2009, 3:21pm PDT
Nice potential stalking victim, I THINK I'LL TAKE HER by 06/25/2009, 6:24pm PDT
Re: Nice potential stalking victim, I THINK I'LL TAKE HER by 06/26/2009, 9:37am PDT
If we were gentlemanly posters like Entropy Stew we could duel over her by 06/26/2009, 5:22pm PDT
This summer, excitement has Man-E-Faces... by 06/26/2009, 7:47pm PDT
Re: If we were gentlemanly posters like Entropy Stew we could duel over her by 06/26/2009, 11:18pm PDT
Caltrops must be mobilized by 06/28/2009, 5:47pm PDT
Thundercats: The Next Furlennium NT by 06/28/2009, 6:57pm PDT
Voltron: The Gathering NT by 06/28/2009, 7:16pm PDT
M.A.S.K: Unmasked NT by 06/29/2009, 11:36am PDT
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Ahh fuck. NT by 06/29/2009, 11:42am PDT
The Smurfs: Asymptotic Protocols of Trancendence NT by 06/29/2009, 11:46am PDT
Care Bears: Wrath of Ubbo-Sathla NT by 06/29/2009, 12:38pm PDT
Spiral Zone: You Don't Remember, But It Was Awesome, We Swear NT by 06/29/2009, 2:44pm PDT
Voltron: The Legend of the Missing Lion Fist (it was thrown away by your mom). NT by 06/29/2009, 2:46pm PDT
He Man: Pride of Eternia NT by 06/29/2009, 2:53pm PDT
snooped by cracked.com (ok everyone can stop posting now) by 06/29/2009, 3:22pm PDT
Battle Beasts: The Elements Clash NT by 06/29/2009, 3:31pm PDT
i thought i had until the 30th >:( by 06/29/2009, 6:11pm PDT
Oh, I figured out why you thought you had more time by 07/02/2009, 9:54am PDT
Cobra Commander, General Zod, Kane, Cartman, Hitler...Ice Cream Jonesy :( by 07/02/2009, 10:43pm PDT
Re: Cobra Commander, General Zod, Kane, Cartman, Hitler...Ice Cream Jonesy :( by 07/03/2009, 12:05am PDT
Guys, let's get this libel train rolling down the track. by 07/03/2009, 4:02am PDT
Jonesy, why do you even put up with those childish assholes? *FORUMS DELETED* NT by 07/03/2009, 8:51am PDT
I feel like I've seen this woman somewhere before... by 07/06/2009, 1:00am PDT
ICJ you're wrong, Transformers 2 kicks ass NT by 06/26/2009, 10:11pm PDT
ICJ thought king of kong was a documentary, and he still plays muds and text adv NT by 06/27/2009, 1:09am PDT
I saw this through no fault of my own. by 07/04/2009, 3:33pm PDT
I also am attracted to the call you call "Megan Fox" NT by 07/04/2009, 3:40pm PDT
On my planet well call girls calls. Seeing a call girl gets very confusing. NT by 07/04/2009, 3:41pm PDT
I didn't want to see this movie until she wrote that NT by 06/26/2009, 9:58am PDT
Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by 07/14/2009, 12:29pm PDT
Oh shit QB reminded me: yes, there's an "old" robot who is inexplicably British- by 07/14/2009, 12:34pm PDT
that script cost eight million dollars by 07/14/2009, 12:47pm PDT
AHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NT by 07/14/2009, 12:51pm PDT
I almost read this whole post, wow her thumb is fucked (is that a bandaid?) by 07/14/2009, 1:21pm PDT
Triple irony: unironically coming up with convoluted reasons to justify ironic by 07/14/2009, 1:37pm PDT
Fabio, why can't you take your problems with hipsters to the hipsters by 07/14/2009, 2:44pm PDT
Who fucking cares NT by 07/14/2009, 3:14pm PDT
PKB. Also: dispatches from the war on posting. NT by 07/14/2009, 3:20pm PDT
Re: Fabio, why can't you take your problems with hipsters to the hipsters by 07/14/2009, 3:55pm PDT
you are a hipster, ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!! NT by 07/14/2009, 4:07pm PDT
The perfectly defensible reason to hate hipsters (within) by 07/14/2009, 6:57pm PDT
Hate from the heart, not from the mind! NT by 07/14/2009, 7:08pm PDT
I am reminded about that article on why hipster chicks are so hot from rolling s NT by 07/14/2009, 8:22pm PDT
yes by 07/14/2009, 8:29pm PDT
Re: yes by 07/14/2009, 8:35pm PDT
(link above is NWS) NT by 07/15/2009, 9:12am PDT
More like Not Jurisdiction Safe NT by 07/15/2009, 9:50am PDT
The fact that it says alisakiss hentaibunny wasn't enough of a clue? 8( NT by 07/15/2009, 11:27am PDT
Re: yes by 07/16/2009, 4:35pm PDT
hm I wonder what mc chris has to say about kingdom hearts NT by 07/16/2009, 4:46pm PDT
half of that site is about world of shitfuck, it's horrible by 07/16/2009, 5:05pm PDT
all of their author icons are fucking wow characters (no horde but belfs also) by 07/16/2009, 9:58pm PDT
picture EXTREMELY related to topic by 07/16/2009, 11:32pm PDT
"Honestly, give me an asshole screaming on voice chat for me to pick up my game" NT by 07/17/2009, 12:32am PDT
it's hard to fish for pity if you are crying for no good reason, hence the quote NT by 07/17/2009, 1:17am PDT
"Graphic Novels are vastly under appreciated." by 07/16/2009, 9:45pm PDT
Compellingly reasonable yet... by 07/15/2009, 10:10am PDT
Re: Fabio, why can't you take your problems with hipsters to the hipsters by 07/15/2009, 11:47am PDT
Re: Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by 07/14/2009, 3:49pm PDT
Re: Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by 07/14/2009, 6:14pm PDT
Re: Transformers 2 Verdict: Transcends categorization on good-bad axis. by 07/14/2009, 10:02pm PDT
You=Boring by 09/10/2009, 8:57pm PDT