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I finally made it all the way through The Deer Hunter. by Prestige Film Review 02/18/2017, 12:26am PST
The Deer Hunter starts in 1968 in Pee-Wee Hermantown, Pennsylvania, where everyone is 39 years old but acts like they're 19. We meet three pals from the steel mill (Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken, and John Savage). Savage is getting married, and all three are going to Vietnam. What three 39 year old men are doing going to Vietnam is never explained, but the whole town is coming together to throw them a combined wedding / going away party. The party lasts, conservatively, fifty minutes of the film's three hour running time. It's pretty good! Very naturalistic, crazy attention to detail, shot wide and panoramic like Lawrence of Arabia of Pennsylvania. The wedding is the high point of the movie.

After the wedding, the two unmarried pals grab a few more confirmed bachelors (John Cazale, George Dzundza, and another guy) and drive all night out to the cabin for one last hunting trip. What are they doing hunting deer instead of bridesmaids on their last night of freedom? John Cazale thinks it might be because De Niro's a faggot, and at this point in the movie I'm wondering if that's maybe where we're headed? I mean, they are steelworkers. Maybe De Niro likes being alone with Walken - who we know is at least not all the way gay because he was making eyes at Meryl Streep during the wedding - and deer hunting is their excuse. That seems like a promising idea for a movie.

But not this movie. The reason nobody's made any serious moves on anybody in the decades and decades and decades they've known each other is because De Niro is also in love with Streep, but he's too much of a pal to do anything about it while Walken's dragging his feet. That's ridiculous! Can't they figure out a timeshare or something? If I'm Meryl Streep, at this point I'm saying fuck both of them and shacking up with John Cazale. Sure, he hits girls, but so does her drunk old dad and she's still living with him for some reason. Plus he's small and looks like he's dying, how much damage can he really do? I'd be more concerned about the damage that ISN'T being done to my 39 year old pussy.

It turns out the reason De Niro wants to spend his last day before Vietnam deer hunting is because he loves killing shit. Walken is softer, like a woman. He's mostly into it for the trees. How will the war change these men? Smash cut to Vietnam. It's at this point, 70 minutes in, that The Deer Hunter turns into Racism: The Movie. It's like a World War II propaganda reel about the Japanese about the Vietnamese, I'm not even kidding. Our three pals are all in country together during one of those operations where helicopters swoop around while pyrotechnics go off. De Niro torches a gook with a flamethrower, then all three get captured by his gook friends. They're brought to a gook prison camp and forced to play Russian roulette with each other by the sadistic gook guards.

De Niro tricks the head guard into putting three bullets into the revolver instead of the regulation one bullet, basically by saying "hey, you stupid fucking gook, put more bullets in my gun." The head guard decides to give him some leeway on the bullet count on the condition that he di di mau. You hear me, pal? You better di di - oh shit, he shot everybody and escaped, how could any of us have foreseen this through our cold squinty little eyes. The three pals are separated during the escape. After Walken gets back to Saigon, he goes looking for De Niro, and finds him betting on a floating Russian roulette game in a smoky room off a back alley. He literally just followed the sound of gunshots from downtown. Apparently Russian roulette is like their national pastime? I guess it's marginally better than baseball.

Walken is disgusted, and rides off with the game's proprietor in his luxury car. De Niro is chastened, and goes home to Pee-Wee Hermantown, where Streep is still waiting for basically whoever comes back with his penis still attached. That doesn't include John Savage, the only one of the three who was physically changed by the war, and oh man did he ever get changed. He's a head in a jar at this point. He's still got some use of one arm, all he has to do is hold out until they invent the internet in 25 years and he can post on Quarter to Three. Walken has been sending Savage money from wherever he ended up in Vietnam, the kind of money you can only make playing Russian roulette. De Niro resolves to find him and bring him home.

Somewhere in there De Niro goes hunting again, but can't bring himself to kill the deer. He accepts he'll have to start getting his sexual thrills from actual sex with a woman and grudgingly takes up with Streep. I guess they had some time to make up for because we jump straight from 1969 to 1975, the fall of Saigon. De Niro has gone back to look for Walken... and finds him almost immediately. Well, that was easy. We're lead to believe Walken has spent the last six years as a professional Russian roulette player. In case you're starting to question if you're thinking of the right game, yes, Russian roulete is the one that always ends with someone blowing their brains out. He's just lucky, I suppose. He's also serious, because he's started wearing the official Vietnamese national Russian roulette uniform. It's black pants and a white blouse, like a waiter, but with a red headband to evoke the blood shooting out of a hole in your head. Are the headbands supposed to be red so they don't show the stains? That's too retarded for words.

De Niro plays Russian roulete against Walken. It's a great scene that ends the only way a game of Russian roulette can end. I'm not going to spoil it, it's the best part of the movie after the wedding. Then we go back to Pee-Wee Hermantown one last time for a funeral, thus spanning the entire scope of the human condition, and afterwards George Dzundza leads the surviving cast in a rousing ironic rendition of God Bless America. I swear to God I'm not making that up. I was hoping the deer De Niro didn't shoot would wander into the frame, trailing a big ironic MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner, but I guess I'll have to put that in the sequel I'm writing. It's about a bunch of 79 year old steelworkers finally coming of age against a backdrop of whatever little brown people we were last at war with shooting themselves in the head. It's called The American Film Institute's Funniest Home Videos. Fuck this movie.
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I finally made it all the way through The Deer Hunter. by Prestige Film Review 02/18/2017, 12:26am PST NEW
    Erik quitting Valve means he finally has time to finish the IFLS article! NT by fabio 02/18/2017, 2:03am PST NEW
        Are you kidding? He's the only guy who can quit his job and have less free time. NT by Prestige Film Review 02/18/2017, 4:53am PST NEW
    go back to disney, faget NT by Eurotrash 02/18/2017, 5:02am PST NEW
        though bambi was pretty hardcore, nice and racist too. me likey NT by Eurotrash 02/18/2017, 5:05am PST NEW
 
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