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| I think we're learning a lot about ourselves from our responses to this movie. by D.I.D. D.V.D. Review 09/14/2018, 1:39pm PDT | ||||
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| There's a scene in 6 Souls where competent professional hottie Julianne Moore tentatively explores this creepy dilapidated building looking for clues to a mystery. As I was watching her pin her cute little nose to keep out the smell of death, I realized something: this is my fetish. That got me thinking about the kind of talk show I'd like to host. Every week, I would invite a different petite fair-haired actress to my dark foreboding garbage house, ostensibly to promote their Silence of the Lambs movie. (Ideally I would get Virginia Madsen for the pilot, she was so hot and curious and vulnerable in Candyman.)
When they got there it would look like no one was home, so they would let themselves in and start looking around for a studio. Maybe it's in my basement, like Tom Green's crummy webcast studio? Along the way, they would stop to be repulsed by my weird little shrines made out of rotisserie chicken bones and crude drawings of hundreds of eyes scratched into the walls. Meanwhile, I would watch them through night vision goggles and reach out as if to touch their hair. At a certain point, they would think they found the studio when they hear some distorted big band music, however when they pushed open the door it would just be my TV showing public domain cartoons from the 1930s. My sidekick would be Agent Scully. After getting the audience all warmed up and teaching them how an applause sign works, she would go sit under a tarp in the shower and make heavy, ragged breathing noises. She would also guffaw like Ed McMahon at all the jokes I make into my sub-vocal microphone, which picks up the vibrations of speech before they leave my throat, so all the guest would see is my mouth cavorting with no sound coming out. That is if they could see me at all, it would be pretty dark and I'm pretty good at hiding when girls are around. So that's what I'm willing to admit about myself. Now, are you willing to admit that your blind hatred for Christianity is blinding you to the inconsiderable charm of this mediocre movie? I don't want to put words in your mouth, but this isn't the first time I've heard you say "religion is a crutch for the weak and the stupid." That may be true, but religion is also the basis for two of the best selling books in the history of Western civilization - The Bible and The Da Vinci Code - and just generally an endless well of horrifying lore and iconography. I mean, when you really think about it, a vampire being scared of a depiction of A MAN BEING CRUCIFIED isn't exactly abnormal behaviour. A crucifix is the kind of comforting token Pinhead would come up with. Even whatever four-armed mutant ninja turtle action figure gods the Hindus worship would be creeped out by that shit. |
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