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Halo by Jethro Q. Walrustitty 07/21/2004, 10:55am PDT
(This review originally written on October 28th, 2003, and posted to so Jonsey can get the front page short review section going.)

Here's my take:


The controls are sloppy. The vehicles (especially the flying ones) are extremely difficult to control. You can't save anywhere. It's repetitive beyond belief (I mean, it makes Pac-Man look fresh and inventive game after game.) Worst of all, the checkpoints are sometimes too far apart. Key example: I'm, I believe, right at the end of the game, about to blow up the last thing needed to destroy the Halo.

I travelled distances much further than any other break between checkpoints in the whole fucking game. I restarted at least ten times. Every time, something different got me. The last time, I got way, way, way further. Like, I even got past a fucking cutscene - and it stil didn't count that as a checkpoint. I had successfully snuck past or killed countless dudes with rocket launchers who can kill with one shot, and swarms of baddies who will run up and kill you if you let them get to you. Of course, they all run much, much faster than your character, and you run out of ammo constantly, so you're guaranteed to be stuck in a long "reload" sequence while being surrounded by enemies. Anyways, after dying at what seemed to be the final bit, it wanted to restart me much earlier. FUCK THAT. I'm done with this shitty game. I've been swearing and getting pissed too much, and my wife's probably in the other room packing her bags. I don't need a game with so little fun and so much frustration.

Hey, Halo developers. Here's ten important tips for you:

1) Don't make the PC version two years late.

2) Don't give the PC version shitty framerates and mediocre graphics.

3) Work on the control. FPS games are all about responsiveness, and Halo feels sloppy as well.

4) Try making the vehicles behave in some kind of controllable manner. The radio-control helicopter in GTA: VC is almost easier to control than the Banshee. While we're at it, don't make the vehicle weapons so wimpy. Even the turret sucks - it's OK when the enemy is two steps away, after that, you might as well be shooting spitballs. Even the Banshee, with a fairly powerful weapon, kind of sucks because you end up flying overhead, taking five minutes to shoot three dudes on the ground. (Aggravated by #8, as listed below.)

5) Two weapons at a time - ehh, don't pat yourself on the back, especially when most of the weapons suck ass, especially the worst rocket launcher in the history of FPS games.

6) The health system sucks fucking ass. A rechargable shield - fine, that's all good and all, but there's not nearly enough health. It's way too easy to just die.

7) Checkpoints are for console games. Never put checkpoints in a PC game. And, whatever you do, never, ever, ever make the checkpoints in a difficult part of the game so fucking far apart.

8) The enemies that, no matter what you're packing, take a minute or two to kill because they "shields up" every time they're hit - that's a shitty idea. I don't want the "strategy" of timing my shots when there are 10 of the fuckers coming at me and I'm unloading my machine gun as fast as I can, and most of them are useless because of the enemy shields.

9) Level design. Work on it. Hell, Q3's endless corridors are more interesting than most of the slabs in Halo - and there are way too many obstructions that keep the player from backing away from enemies. Many times you're nearly killed because you get backed up against something dumb.

10) Fuck you, you bitches, you were too busy believing your own hype to make the PC version look better, have a better framerate, have better control, have co-op, and have save anywhere capabilities. If those were there, it'd be a far more enjoyable game.

There's no excuse for it being as frustrating as it is at the end (or throughout the whole damn game.) No excuse for it taking two years or having such a shitty framerate or having two patches released in short succession when the game is virtually identical to the X-Box version.
Halo by Jethro Q. Walrustitty 07/21/2004, 10:55am PDT NEW
    Re: Halo by Asmo 09/03/2004, 5:34pm PDT NEW
    Re: Halo by |bomb 09/07/2004, 3:24pm PDT NEW
        The guy doesn't visit here. He was just ICJ's friend helping him out. NT by Worm 09/07/2004, 4:10pm PDT NEW
            Sure - couldn't let that negative review stand with no rebuttal though. NT by |bomb 09/08/2004, 8:51am PDT NEW
                You could have shortened it a bit by Gubbi 09/10/2004, 3:59am PDT NEW
                    Re: You could have shortened it a bit by Souffle of Pain 09/10/2004, 9:39am PDT NEW
                        Your nick is far to gay for anyone to read your posts. NT by Mister Helper! 09/10/2004, 12:55pm PDT NEW
                            Far "too" gay. NT by Almost a Good Sting!!! 09/10/2004, 1:48pm PDT NEW
                        Please quit posting under that name by Jay Schilling 09/10/2004, 2:01pm PDT NEW
               an old tampon in a piece of shit. by Fussbett 09/10/2004, 3:06pm PDT NEW
    Re: Halo by HumaNoiD 10/31/2004, 7:59am PST NEW
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