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N.A.R.C. by Ice Cream Jonsey 05/22/2005, 3:45pm PDT
I hate N.A.R.C. and I want you to hate it too.

I paid $20 and got fucked on the register the moment I said I wanted it. What a waste of money. Imagine you've got the porky guy in the Kill Bill movies over to record some dialogue. But first, keep in mind that Bill Bellamy is also involved in this piece of shit -- but nobody cares about Bill Bellamy. I honestly no longer consider him any sort of celebrity. K. Thor was just on television. K. Thor is bigger than Bellamy right now. I hope he (Bellamy) is easy to work with because he brings nothing to the table.

Anyway, imagine Michael Madsen is around and he goes to read the first line in your gaming masterpiece and it's "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SHUT THE HELL UP!" I mean, don't you die a little? He was in Reservoir Dogs! Don't you question if you're in the right line of work? It would be humilating to see him say these things if you were the person who wrote it. But no, the cretins who went for a round of interviews for NARC were so self-satisfied with the fact that it was at a $20 price point. They were revolutionaries, because it wasn't shovel shitware! Haha, no way! Why would you ask that? Not that any of the cocksucking "reporters" the game industry employs asked such a question. It was to be an AAA release... but at twenty dollars!


It was COMPLETE SHIT that I am embarrassed to have purchased and I'm angry that I threw my goddamn money away. I am putting it on eBay tomorrow just to get $4 for it so I can buy four dollars worth of self-respect back.

I hope everyone involved never gets to work on a video game again, but of course they'll throw it on their resume, proudly. The guy who did the muddy textures (featuring "mud" and "asphalt") will get snatched right up, what a boon for the industry. What a fantastic hobby to be involved with. It's impossible to fail. One bitch who wrote for Xenosaga was ready to kill herself because she was so bad at writing and yet there were still people writing supportive letters to reel her back in. The government, in the case of NARC, should go Mitnick on all of them and state that they may earn no income from using a computer for five years. None of this will even remotely happen, everyone involved will make more money on their next game.

For the love of Christ all you had to do was remake the arcade game with better graphics. Two guys, one in red and one in cyan, kill everyone they see, drive cars, steal money, munch on health and try to suck up to William A. Sessions. Instead "eating some crack makes you a CRACK SHOT." Hey, I got the next drug for NARC: "smoking dope MAKES YOU A DOPE." Am I hired yet? No? "sniffing PCP makes you a PRETTY CUNNING POLICEMAN." Give me my fucking salary, secretary and royalties, I am now lead guy on the NARC II design team.

This game is terrible. It has an advanced hand-to-hand combat system I GUESS but that just means you have to press a lot of buttons to accomplish the same goals that are easier in other games. The plot is stupid, the voice acting abysmal, the graphics wiry, stiff and uninspired and the controls when trying to select the right item for the nonsense you'll be doing counter-intuitive. It's unfunny. Unfun. I loved the arcade version of NARC and even though they said they packed it in this piece of shit it's an "unlockable" and there's no way I am wasting any more time on this fucking thing to get it. I'll hook up MAME to my TV instead if I really feel the need.

It's probably going for $9.99 new and $7.99 used right now. Please do not buy it anyway. It's utterly incompetent and it's impossible to have fun with it.

the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!
N.A.R.C. by Ice Cream Jonsey 05/22/2005, 3:45pm PDT NEW
    So, worse than Postal 2? by FABIO 05/22/2005, 5:45pm PDT NEW
    Was actually enthusiastic about it for five minutes or so by Drummer from Whitesnake 05/23/2005, 12:22pm PDT NEW
    Gamestop: $17.99 used. Thx for the wasted trip :( by bombMexico 05/23/2005, 6:54pm PDT NEW
        Re: Gamestop: $17.99 used. Thx for the wasted trip :( by Ice Cream Jonsey 05/24/2005, 1:44pm PDT NEW
            At least they didn't have a NARC display out, where people could see and laugh by bombMexico 05/24/2005, 6:17pm PDT NEW
        Re: Gamestop: $17.99 used. Thx for the wasted trip :( by Fullofkittens 05/24/2005, 6:00pm PDT NEW
        Rumble Roses review! by curst 05/25/2005, 2:43pm PDT NEW
            Re: Rumble Roses review! by bombMexico 05/31/2005, 9:27pm PDT NEW
            Re: Rumble Roses review! by Mischief Maker 06/02/2005, 11:53am PDT NEW
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