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Return of the Hitman 3 review. :( by Creexul :( 03/13/2006, 4:17am PST
Hitman Contracts RRRRRRG O GOD (very minor early level spoilers who cares) by Creexul ^_^ 05/01/2004, 4:55am CDT

But actually!

I only played the first three missions of this game, potentially being able to play the rest at some time. I actually liked it so far. I remember Hitman 2 had cool stuff, but then it would have ridiculous stealth shit. The first mission in Hitman 2 was all, "okay sneak around these people who will discover you no matter what you do, just blast them." So you just blast them, and then it's like YOU KILLED EVERYONE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. The game calls you a mass murderer when you kill everyone in a level who are all associated with crime syndicates (or "outfits" no one calls it the syndicate anymore). It still does that, but hey! In level 1, it's like "escape from the cops, just blast them or whatever hey," so I do that, and it's like, "alright."

A little more background about the first level of Hitman 2. I remember I was like, "okay this guy is bringing flowers to the don in his house, I'll cap his ass, take his outfit and flowers, and go in." It told me I would get patted down, so I dropped my guns, went in, got patted down, AND THEY STILL STARTED FUCKIN BLASTING ME FUCK THESE FUCKS and I cleared the house of every living thing and made people do backflips with headshots, ragdoll style. After that I didn't like doing the costumes so much except that one later level where you're in a building plaza with people milling around, I took the pizza delivery dude's outfit, dropped my shit to go through the metal detectors, and navigated the CLEVERLY LAID CRUNCHY POTATO CHIP BAGS to strangle the computer hacker with my gay ass fiber wire. Then I had to blast ass to get out of there again, especially because 19 out of 20 times the dude would jump up and hit the alarm as soon as I hit the "kill that motherfucker right now" button. Thanks for not giving me a chance at your stupid stealth game, stealthfucks.

But anyway!

Level 2, going into meat factory. I'm like, "lets see what happens IF!" So I start off in a video beating some butcher dude's ass with a meathook, and it starts me off there in a truck with no one around. So I remember changing costumes in Hitman 2 which seemed to be REAL touchy then, but I got that shit on, and the game told me, "butchers don't carry guns." So I was like ah yes, dropped my guns in the truck, walked out, closed the truck doors (just in case!), walked to the entrance with the guards, a dude patted me down and was like, "okay go in." And I was in. So I hung out there. I got in trouble when I hung around a bunch of guards to check my map, because when that shit happens it's still in full motion, no pausing (it's so you can track people's movements on your GPS, so you don't actually have to see them). Friends, if you check your map in Hitman 3, make sure no one's around. There are plenty of empty rooms so this isn't too much trouble. Also, try not to stand around the guards, they'll get all nervous around you and sometimes just be like, "NICE GIANT BARCODE ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD WITH YOUR HAT COVRING UP ABSOLUTELY NO HAIR PAL" and hit the alarms. I wouldn't blame them, you always look suspicious in other people's outfits in this game.

So still in the meat factory, there was a notice that "a client" (one of my targets WHO'S A LAWYER HEH TALK ABOUT JUSTICE DOUBLE HEH X2) wanted some opium. There was an opium waiter in red outfit nearby, pointed out on my map with a "point of interest" marker. There was a spare outfit too, actually, I put that on, and it said "THERE'S ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OPIUM WAITER, YOU'LL BE SUSPICIOUS PAL." Maybe that's what set off the alarm when I was looking at my map around the guards earlier. I go in there, whip his ass with my meathook (they let the meathook through while frisking me, because I was a butcher), hide his body, and then I go look for an opium pipe by the bar (after I get a hint from the bartender that Mr. Meat's hot orgy grrlz pass out after a little opium WOW THANKS FOR THAT HINT BARTENDER). Take the pipe, go into a room behind a curtain where the lawyer is. I'm like, "wow Mr. Lawyer, here is some opium!" He totally smokes that shit like nuts, taking a bigger hit than Marion Barry (TOPICAL), and passes out. And its like hey, who left a SILENCED PISTOL HERE? Pick that shit up, crack his whole head in half with one shot, he flops ragdoll style on the bed, I drop my shit and bolt (the guards still check for weapons inside the place, and they'd be suspicious about a meathook on an opium waiter I'm sure). I go upstairs and Mr. Meat is there, he's all fat like Pearl from Blade 1. Two lovely LADIES are there, and I'm like SUP LADIES and one girl gets up and I still got my pipe with me, and she's like YO PASS DAT SHIT (actually she says just to drop the pipe there), so I hit the "drop" key, it falls to the floor, she picks that shit up, smokes that shit up, and takes a nap. The other girl gets up and does the same. So I'm alone with Mr. Meat who's jamming to the crazy rave music from the party downstairs. The room he's in is visible on all sides by windows, but there's a button to "close curtains," and it shuts metal shutters over the windows. Aha, now I got him all to myself.

Cue up a lot of messy trial and error trying to somehow get a fiber wire around his neck from the side of the bed. All that shit, it doesn't work. He sees me lunging at him with the fiber wire, the syringes, nothing is happening, and he's screaming GUARDS GUARDS. No one is coming, I guess the sound is all shut off. QUICK LOAD! The game loads up very quickly by the way, which is nice (it runs well too because the game's engine hasn't been pumped up that much since the last game, a few effects were added here and there but nothing I can use). So I try some shit. A guard next door has a gun. Fiber wire on him, run to Mr. Meat, blast his ass with gunshots, everyone starts screaming. Quick load again. Okay so here's what I ended up doing. I go out to the balcony nearby, there's a guard hanging around outside in the rain on a balcony next to me. I'm like, "yo." He hangs around for a few seconds then goes back in, I hit the "go" button on "jump that fuckin balcony," jump to his, open the door, fiber wire, take his outfit (which has a nice bigass mask since it's that kind of gay ass rave "fetish" party), and that's when I notice that the room has a butcher knife AND a big ass meat cleaver. I'm all for the meat cleaver, take that shit, pocket it like nuts, run to the next room which has Mr. Meat, swipe, he's gone, objectives updated.

So I'm like, "YEP I'M THAT GOOD." Stealth actually worked and made things a little more fun. If I had a Spas 12 I could blast everyone right up into the fucking ceilings, but I'll have to get that gun and come back with it later, I didn't want to rely on my ballers (even though I'm a baller, shot caller, brawler). But I didn't find the girl that was kidnapped, which is why I was there in the first place. I eventually find her room, Mr. Meat's brother is there in his underwear dancing to some doowop 50s tune while the girl hangs from the ceiling dead. I'm supposed to take her arm as evidence/proof of identity. After I fiber wire the motherfucker of course, he didn't know because he was staring at a wall with her picture on it, dancing, underwear, fat, gross. Very "shocking" and "offensive" scene that is very "edgy." Whatever. So anyway I got the arm, and when I go out, I take a wrong turn and one dude wants to pat me down. I didn't have weapons but he was alerted. I guess a severed arm would do that in real life too, so I won't blame the engine. After a few more quick loads I find the right turn with some trucks in the back that I can peel out in. And that's the second mission.

Next mission is the one from the demo, which I didn't play, although technically I have now. :(

I got into some area where I couldn't help but to be caught even though I wasn't alerting anyone. A fuckin sniper was like "WHO ARE YOU" and the game told me I had a sniper on me, and then guards were alerted to me. So I started capping everyone, and the alarms went down. Took a soldier uniform and everything was okay. But this was all before I made my first objective in the mission, which is kill some dude who wants to buy a "dirty bomb." THAT FUCK. So I'm in the kitchen, making contact with my insider dude who's like "blow up the sub with bombs, bye!" I put laxitive in the borscht, and my insider is like, "nice," serves it up to the dude I'm supposed to kill, my target guzzles it down and is like "YUM THAT WAS REALLY GOOD I ATE ALL OF IT LIKE A BIG BOY," and then a second later he's like "URG." Runs to the bathroom, and I'm like, "hey what's this about I will follow him because I'm his pal, BACK OFF FUCKS," to the other soldiers who seem shook up but not alerted to my presence yet." There is an indicator to show if someone's suspicious of you, just so you know. So I'm in the bathroom and the guy is all groaning, and there's a ton of splashing sounds and I'm like "HA HA SHIT JOKES ARE FUNNY," but I realize actually it's just my footsteps on the wet floor, there are no splashes coming from him. So I'm like, "okay let's get this over with," while he's doubled over on the toilet I put a silenced baller shot into his cerebral cortex so hard his head slaps against the back wall and he bounces off the toilet. Then I take his gun and leave the bathroom, and I'm all, "don't even go in there dudes" and bolt, which is kind of a theme in this game, you going in, taking out lonely target (perhaps after finding a way to get him alone and distracted), blasting the shit out of him quiet-like, and then stroll out of the room like, "um, he's busy."

I'm kind of looking forward to more stuff like this. Plus the mysterious story.
Return of the Hitman 3 review. :( by Creexul :( 03/13/2006, 4:17am PST NEW
    Somebody by Fullofkittens 03/13/2006, 7:07am PST NEW
        This isn't the complete thing. :( NT by Creexul :( 03/13/2006, 8:39am PST NEW
    This game ends on a cliffhanger, so you won't find out anything until Hitman 4 NT by Mysterio 03/13/2006, 11:12am PST NEW
        "blood money" NT by Weyoun Voidbringer 03/13/2006, 2:16pm PST NEW
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