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The Da Vinci Code (film) by Jerry Whorebach 11/17/2006, 8:18am PST
Ever see an episode of CSI that you prayed would never end? America must have, because Fonzie sent his most trusted messenger to deliver one unto us.

Just like CSI, no one ever says anything without making sure we understand exactly what they're talking about, even if we're a little slow. The French cop who says he's from 36 Quai des Orfèvres, which is what we call the FBI in the crazy upside-down land of Rand McNally. Or the historian who uses the phrase "sub rosa" before explaining that it's actually Latin and means "under the rose." I'm a highschool dropout who speaks precisely zero Romance languages, dead or dying, and even I was familiar with that old chestnut.

Also like CSI, all the important information is recapped whenever a new revelation occurs, just in case we weren't paying attention. And the revelations come fast and furious thanks to our protagonist, who brings the power of John Nash's mind's special effects to bear on words instead of numbers, illuminating individual letters until the code is cracked and the Jeopardy-style "thinking" music can stop.

The murder mystery plot sucks, but it provides a nice excuse to bring all the old continental spy movie cliches out of the closet. We get plenty of gripping chase sequences and shocking double-cross sequences and a couple of old-fashioned cliffhangers hackneyed enough to make Adam West blush. All of those things worked a lot better in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, though, a film which this one probably should have tried harder not to remind me of. Watching someone else crack open a stone floor to reach the juicy catacombs within was almost painful.

You can tell it was adapted from a book because the characters tend to mumble to themselves when thinking even pretty self-explanatory thoughts. "A line of blood... blood line... rose line... sub rosa... of course!" Speaking of verbal quirks, ever notice how people with foreign accents tend to get less unintelligible when the information they're required to convey gets more complex? I guess it's like how Mexicans might be able to speak at length in the Queen's English about hydroelectric magnetosphere regulators or whatever but can never seem to remember the white man's words for "yes" or "hello."

Summary: If you absolutely must see a movie like this, try the 1994 UK/Spain co-production Uncovered. It's also mediocre, but at least Kate Beckinsale's unshaven tits won't talk down to you.
The Da Vinci Code (film) by Jerry Whorebach 11/17/2006, 8:18am PST NEW
    Topical! NT by 2005 11/17/2006, 9:03am PST NEW
        It just came out on Netflix NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 11/17/2006, 12:54pm PST NEW
            The theatrical release was also 2006, so he's wrong about that too NT by Flavio 11/17/2006, 1:48pm PST NEW
    Ron Howard??? He was Opie. He was the boring everyteen. He was NOT Fonzie! NT by Eeeeey! Maker 11/22/2006, 8:44am PST NEW
        No, he's Fonzie's "most trusted messenger". :( NT by laudablepuss 11/22/2006, 11:02am PST NEW
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