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Let me tell you about Zork: Grand Inquisitor by Ice Cream Jonsey 09/19/2007, 10:26pm PDT
Jerry Whorebach wrote:

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

Oh, I just remembered the other thing - I liked the opening to Oblivion better than Morrowind. "Break Picard out of jail" is better than "fill out these forms." If that's what they went with to open, I'm sure the stuff they shot down involved the game giving you a vacuum cleaner, a push into town and binding the left mouse button to "knock."


I know you love Zork, but I don't know how you feel about First-Person Graphic Adventures (or M.Y.S.T.s), so maybe you're not aware that's exactly how Erick Avari's Zork: Grand Inquisitor began. Or maybe you are aware, in which case I just dropped road flares around your flaming wreck of an allusion.


There wasn't, and hasn't been any game I've been more psyched to buy than Zork: Grand Inquisitor.

That thing, in my mind, was gonna be awesome. I was all happy to have an Internet connection at home at the time, and I read everything I could find on the game. I'd read the same articles over and over again. There was "Zork: Nemesis" a few years earlier, but that was just a generic adventure game that had Zork added at like the last second. It was okay, I thought. Not very Zorky. Man, this Grand Inquisitor thing was gonna be awesome.

They - Activision - released a free text game to promote Z:GI. It was, haaaa, it was okay! Hey what the fuck, it was just great to get NEW content from two old Implementers. It was like what I heard viewing Star Trek: the Motion Picture was like when it came out. Who cared if it wasn't a classic, it was just great to get everyone back together. Z:GI was going to be Star Trek II: Fucking Awesome!

I got the game, and you are right to call it "Eric Avari's Grand Inquisitor." He's the only guy trying to save that thing. Rip Taylor? Rip fucking Taylor? Rip Goddamn Taylor is in the game, wacky! Dirk Benedict, who is still Dirk Benedict. It was like putting Bea Arthur and Art Carney in the Star Wars Holiday Special. The only two characters worth caring about is the announcer dude and the Grand Inquisitor himself. But who cares about characters, that was never very Zork-like. Well, I played that groveling lump of shitware through as many Myst-like puzzles as I could stand, engaging in the one kind of game that is little but eye candy and "use shit x on fuckhead y" that text games were always better than. Where will I use this spell? Ho, ho, ho, Zork reference! Is it time for this spell? Ah, what's this? A worthy challenger awaits, for me to click on!

The last thing I did in Zork: Grand Inquisitor was stand before a totem pole while the game told me, literally told me, that I would be engaging in an exercise of clicking. Not only was I going to do stupid shit that I hated all the way back in the 7th Guest, but the game was going to break the fourth wall to make me feel like an empty asshole for buying it. Fuck Zork: Grand Inquisitor, fuck Activision, and fuck the assholes who made that lazy, tiresome, derivative piece of look-good garbage. There will never be another Zork game, Z:GI killed the entire franchise that had been going strong, with a release every few years, since 1977. Killed it by adopting gameplay that a text game was the complete opposite of in every respect. Where you could once type in anything, Zork turned to something where you are reduced to clicking on a hot spot. Z:GI exists to now be nothing more than a punchline as we talk about games that are better in every respect.

...

... I guess this is where I say I'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear.


ICJ
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"Fuck Caltrops" and "System Shock 2" better than Bioshock by Gleen 09/10/2007, 4:01pm PDT NEW
    They need to be repolled when Fallout 3 comes out. NT by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 09/10/2007, 5:17pm PDT NEW
        I can predict that poll for you right now by Quentin Beck 09/10/2007, 9:53pm PDT NEW
            SUCH INTENSE CRED by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 09/10/2007, 11:20pm PDT NEW
            Wasteland by Ice Cream Jonsey 09/11/2007, 1:36am PDT NEW
                Well Brian Fargo is making Wasteland 2 now. NT by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 09/11/2007, 1:42am PDT NEW
                    Sweet! Is he using The Bard's Tale '04 engine? Because that would be just awesom NT by The Ray-be Brothers 09/11/2007, 2:03am PDT NEW
                        No and it will probably DISGRACE the honor of the original Wasteland HRRRRRRN NT by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 09/11/2007, 2:21am PDT NEW
    Re: "Fuck Caltrops" and "System Shock 2" better than Bioshock by Jerry Whorebach 09/10/2007, 5:34pm PDT NEW
        Yeah, a real creep would re-reg under a proxy. by Worm 09/10/2007, 5:44pm PDT NEW
    Perhaps they meant "Fuck" as a verb? NT by Mischief Maker 09/10/2007, 10:29pm PDT NEW
        Yes, the Caltrops accolades keep coming. by Fussbett 09/11/2007, 12:33pm PDT NEW
            They hand out accolades like CANDY over there (BDR is never coming back) by Jerry Whorebach 09/19/2007, 3:11am PDT NEW
    What's the genesis of this? NT by Why is Raife hatin'? 09/11/2007, 3:50am PDT NEW
        Re: What's the genesis of this? by Ice Cream Jonsey 09/11/2007, 5:59pm PDT NEW
            "Raife" posted the poll in question on Qt3 by Fussbett 09/11/2007, 7:24pm PDT NEW
                I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshock by Worm Zero 09/11/2007, 10:21pm PDT NEW
                    Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by Zseni 09/12/2007, 2:24am PDT NEW
                        A god! Leave your western monotheism at the door lady! by Worm 09/12/2007, 8:06am PDT NEW
                        you can tell something is 100% wrong when its posted by zsni NT by dustbin of history 09/12/2007, 3:48pm PDT NEW
                            More attention for you! NT by Zseni 09/12/2007, 3:58pm PDT NEW
                                Edging in on your market? NT by FABIO 09/19/2007, 9:51pm PDT NEW
                        Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by Quentin Beck 09/12/2007, 6:38pm PDT NEW
                        Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by Ice Cream Jonsey 09/12/2007, 6:54pm PDT NEW
                            Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by motherfuckerfoodeater 09/12/2007, 7:39pm PDT NEW
                                melons by FABIO 09/20/2007, 9:52am PDT NEW
                            Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by Zseni 09/19/2007, 11:34am PDT NEW
                                Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by Ice Cream Jonsey 09/19/2007, 2:13pm PDT NEW
                                    Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by Zseni 09/19/2007, 3:10pm PDT NEW
                                        Don't forget the faggy Kilrathi race that looks fresh from a Disney parade. by Quentin Beck 09/19/2007, 6:29pm PDT NEW
                                    Re: I said it was fucking retarded to say System Shock 2 was better than bioshoc by Jerry Whorebach 09/19/2007, 9:43pm PDT NEW
                                        Let me tell you about Zork: Grand Inquisitor by Ice Cream Jonsey 09/19/2007, 10:26pm PDT NEW
                                            Re: Let me tell you about Zork: Grand Inquisitor by Bananadine 09/20/2007, 7:23pm PDT NEW
                                                Re: Let me tell you about Zork: Grand Inquisitor by motherfuckerfoodeater 09/21/2007, 3:19pm PDT NEW
                Raife got banned. That's how it ended. by Mysterio 10/28/2015, 11:56am PDT NEW
                    HooRAY! NT by Roop 10/28/2015, 5:30pm PDT NEW
 
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