For some reason the Steam sale thought if I wanted Animal Well I also wanted this; I got drawn in by the aesthetic and am giving it a chance. Review of first 48 minutes…

They really nailed the aesthetic of those Simon Stålenhag picture books. (A quick websearch indicates that the devs are big Stålenhag fans and that this was a conscious choice.) 5 minutes into this thing you drive by a big spooky border wall and the look of that thing as you drive past it in the twilight rain is 1000% on the money, much more so than the so-so Amazon series and MUCH more so than the upcoming Chris Pratt (!?!? ?) series.

Synthwave songs should not have lyrics or vocals. This is a personal hang-up but it is something I feel strongly about. For this reason I do not like the soundtrack so far.

My first tool was a DESTRUCTIBLE TIRE IRON. Seriously?!?!? It broke breaking into a single trunk! Oppy must buy her tools at the same hardware store that Zelda does. >:(

The premise of the game: there’s some kind of ANNHILATION-esque Anomaly Zone that was caused by Rogue Science Gone Wrong, and the scientists of the Pacific Northwest have walled it off such that innocent bystanders don’t wander on in there. However, during the events of the intro tutorial you do, in fact, wander on in there.

The gameplay then consists of: you’ve got a little station wagon and you drive it around exploring the anomaly zone. This feels very much like driving a car through a synthwave version of PUBG, not least because the environmental antagonist is a roving variant of the PUBG circle / Fortnite Storm called “The Instability” which does a bunch of Half-Life cross-dimensional atom smasher shit wherever it goes; you spend the game running away from this thing I guess. And learning about the story of the anomaly?
There’s a rudimentary crafting system and your inventory screen seems to indicate that there are lots of opportunities to trick out your station wagon with upgrades. The DLCs are also all, like, skins for the car, which seems a little pointless since there’s no third-person camera so you can only see the outside of the car when you’re not driving it.

Overall first impression: I am a total chickenshit with regard to horror games and back in PUBG days I did get my blood pressure pretty cranked up while driving around lonely roads wondering what form my death would take: this game recreates that vibe while absolutely nailing that Stålenhag aesthetic which I adore. I am looking forward to playing it more. I do not expect to care about the story.

Whether this game turns out to be fun hinges entirely on whether the missions are exciting and I haven’t done one yet BECAUSE: it doesn’t have save-anywhere. Once you start a mission you are in for the whole mission (20+ minutes) and there is a penalty for bailing early. (For that reason alone this is automatically a negative review for Caltrops purposes even if I end up liking the game because I know ICJ in particular considers that a deal breaker.)

Editor’s note: ICJ can live with a lack of save-anywhere if the game makes the game special enough, which it does.

This is a cozy game for synthesizer dads.

Here is the game loop:

• Spend 10 minutes screwing around with your car.
• Look at a map and plan a route for your next drive.
• Go for a drive inside a beautiful Simon Stålenhag book for 15-20 minutes. Avoid various menacing but awesome-looking environmental hazards. Go into people’s abandoned houses and take everything that isn’t nailed down. Chop apart wrecked cars with a giant Sawzall. Take photographs of weird shit which puts entries into your log book ^___^ .
• When the environment starts getting too spooky, go find a “stability core” which is a pretty lava lamp sitting on a “gate” which is literally directly an object from Tales from the Loop. Pull the core off the gate. Whoops! This decreases the stability of the area, which may lead to a bunch of silent mannequins appearing around you, or an earthquake punting your car into the forest.
• On your little map, select an exit portal. You probably want to plan a route to the exit portal before selecting it.
• Selecting an exit portal has two effects: it deep-sixes what stability remains in the areas and everything descends into chaos, and it creates a beautiful synthwave album cover in the distance with a neon pillar reaching up into the sky. You now have to drive into that pillar of light to survive, in a couple of minutes this area is going to de-rez or whatever.
• Driving into the pillar teleports you back to the garage.
• Spend 10 minutes messing around with your car.

I have repeatedly found myself finishing a mission and repairing my car at 1am when I should have been sleeping in bed two hours previous. I am a 47-year-old man with a family and a job. I absolutely adore this game.