|Bill Dungsroman 12/19/2002 |
Before going into this list, Iíd
like to point out that somehow, after all the times Iíve beat my meat, I have
never ever been caught. Oh, itís been a close call a couple of times, sure, but
never actually caught en medias of pumping my monkey. Apparently, I have
some kind of fairy godmother for this kind of thing, one whoís as filthy and
demented as I am. Bless her.
10. Next to my girlfriend while she slept
Yeah, this one is pretty tame,
but there it is. I simply didn't want to wake her up and go through the whole
foreplay rigamarole. Ashley and I had been going out for over a year at that
point, so I was in that period between loving sex with her all the time and
getting a little tired of always having to get her worked up for it. Not that I
don't normally enjoy that stuff, but in this instance I just wanted to crack
one off and go back to sleep. She was living with me in my parents' house (her
mom had kicked her out, I loved this bad girl), and all my porn was under the
bed. I would have woken her trying to sneak into the bathroom, and if I took
too long, she would either think I had jacked off or taken a shit. Neither of
which seemed to appealing for her to have me jumping back naked into bed with
her, I figured. So I slid carefully out onto the floor next to her and smacked
it while I made sure she didn't wake up. I did that by staring at her the whole
time. I canít even imagine how fucking creepy that must have looked, especially
if she had woken up and seen me glaring at her, pumping and grimacing like a
frank psychotic. This is so far up the list since an actual female was in the
vicinity, but itís still gross.
9. Scrambled Cable Porn
Again, nothing too original here
(that's for later. Oh my, yes). If you havenít jerked off to scrambled cable
porn, then you havenít jacked off enough, you freak. However, add to the fact
that this was really really scrambled porn, such that I couldn't even
hear it (every few seconds there was a too-loud BZZT sound, so I had to keep
the volume down), and I couldn't even really tell what was going on. Thus, I
was masturbating on faith that whatever was on the TV was probably porn.
I was masturbating to the assumption of porn, with only the most
circumstantial of evidence to go (off) on. It could have been Back to the
Future III for all I could tell. Were that the case, masturbating to
Christopher Lloyd would be much further down the list.
8. Half A Naked Breast, Drawn In A Battletech Comic.
Could this be any geekier and
more pathetic? As it turns out, yes. I did it with my friend's comic, in his
bathroom. It wasn't even a fully nude breast, and it was about a quarter-inch
in size. Sad. The only mitigating factor here is that it was less than 2 months
after I'd first discovered beating it, and a stiff breeze could have done it
for me at that point. I took one look at that tiny little collection of lines
(oh yeah, the comic was in black and white, even), got a hard-on, and
had to deal with it immediately. Still, Battletech, my friendís room, it
all adds up.
7. JCPenney's Catalogue, Lingerie Section
Oh, Victoria's Secret was just too good for me, it seemed. Well, actually it
wasn't, but whacking it to that mag is practically an American institution,
like National Geographic. JCP's is far more lame, since it's in black and white
and the models hardly look like Tyra Banks. More like Ernie Banks. And less
nudity than a circa-1950's beach movie. Why even bother looking at anything at
that point? God, life before our modern internet was awful. Itís a good thing I
never got a hold of those ASCII nudes back then, Iídíve thought Iíd hit paydirt.
6. A Traci Lords Poster
Yeah, so what? Well, first of all
masturbating to still pics of porn chicks is pretty weak, like composing love
poems for a hooker and reading them aloud to her during your hour. Also, she
wasn't actually nude, just in a little bikini bottom and a wet T-shirt pulled
up above the bottoms of her breasts. And, oh yeah, I didn't know she was in
porn, I was 13 at the time (my eternal jack-off defense Ė "I was 13!"). And I
bought it in a comic book store, a goddamn comic book store. Yes Iíll take the
new issue of Power Pack, Robotech Macross, Dynamo Joe andthatTraciLordsposter. And it took me 3 months
to work up the giddy courage to buy the fucking thing in the first place. I
still get a little stirring of the nether regions to think of it, even. Yuck.
5. Ah, The Top Five: My Best Friendís Mother
Now we have fun. Again, this was
in my early teens, but still. It was his mom, not his sister (he didn't
have one, alas). Hey, she wasn't fat and ugly, you know, and I would estimate
in her early 30's at the time. Y'see, one time I saw her with only a shirt on
and nothing else. Boom, that was that. Wack City. This was not a one-time
event, either. Mikeyís mom was good for a couple of months HEHGELRGLHLELGER.
4. Howard Stern's Radio Show.
This appears pretty stupid at first glance. Apparently, perverts across the country
do this, legions of jobless fucks laying around in their gray underpants.
Great. But hey, it was the multi-orgasmic chick. I have a particular weakness
for female moans of pleasure. Better (?) still, it was in my car on the way to
work. Thank God I had a spare workout towel handy, I'd already started without
thought to what was going to happen next. I just suddenly had my erect penis in
my hand as I pulled shakily (no pun intended) into my work's parking lot,
around back. I went off like tube of toothpaste whacked my a sledgehammer. See,
every so often I try to curb my onanistic pursuits, since itís filthy and wrong
and shameful. At that time, I was limiting myself to Thursday nights only.
Guess what: it was Thursday. I was at full charge. My oh my, if one of my
coworkers had seen me, that would have been it. Thank you again, Fairy
3. My Female Former Roommate's Pillow While She Was Out Of Town.
Oh you sad, sad little man. But
she smelled really good, you know, she had all this blonde hair and...oh forget
it. Lisa was the sweetest, prettiest little thing you could ever hope to meet.
She was a year ahead of me in medical school, and we rented out rooms in this
weird house that was near the hospital. It was, in essence, a house that was
converted to a doctorís office and then back into a house. The landlord was a
demented old bag whoís husband (the doctor) had died and left her drunk and
lonely, and a controlling spiteful bitch as well. Boy, did it ever suck living
there. Sheíd show up around 7 AM on Saturdays, after weíd both spent around 70
hours at the hospital the previous week. Sheíd want to talk, as in carry on
conversation. Then sheíd nag and pretend she was our mother, and if we
complained about problems with the house, sheíd blame them on us and come up
with excuses for why they canít/shouldnít be fixed. She probably didnít have
the money, but if sheídíve been honest, we would have been understanding.
Instead, it was the end of January and we hadnít had working heat for three
days, and I had to threaten to move out and sue her if she didnít fix the
fucking heat. I was gonna move out anyway, but then Lisa pleaded with me to
stay there with her. Goddammit, those big blue eyes and little hands literally
tugging on my arm, pure fucking Kryptonite. We slept together on the living
room floor in front of a space heater. That stupid fucking landlady. I should
have known she was nuts, her kids went to medical school back East, as far away
as possible. She even yelled at Lisa for the heat being busted, and Lisa stood
there apologizing. I flipped out and told her to get the fuck out of the house
until a repairman came. What are you going to do for heat? She asked,
suddenly concerned. Burn the fucking broken mailbox in my broken fucking shower!
I screamed. I actually ended up having extremely nice sex with Lisa (once), but
before that, right after the heating debacle, she went out of town and I slept
in her bed, under her pillow. What a great girl. Ah, who am I trying to kid?
Pathetic, disgusting, perverted, horrific. Pick the adjective.
2. It Didnít Pay Much, But It Had Great Perks
Iíll make this as quick as I
can: I used to jerk off outside of hotel rooms when people were having sex
during the graveyard bellman job I had. What a great job that was. I worked
midnight until 8, and I was the only bellman there. I had the job all through
college, and I started this late-night maneuver a few years in, during my
Sophomore year, I believe. It took a little preparation, mind you. Should I
pass a potential room, I had to spring into action immediately; who knows how
long it would last? The national average for intercourse is between 5 and 10
minutes, time is obviously of the essence. The plan was simple, clever, and
effective. I ran into the maid's closet and pulled out a rollaway bed and a
towel. Then I positioned the bed near the door in question, in a wedge to block
off my lower half. Then I beat it furiously, with one ear and both eyes on the
hallway around me for anyone to come around. The towel was to catch the goods,
but sometimes I just let it fly. Then I'd walk with my cock hanging out, with
the rollaway bed concealing it until I could get to the maid's closet to clean
up. I was never caught, somehow. And I was never interrupted, praise the
Lord, pass the Vaseline. But I did have to walk by a few guests immediately
after, with the bed and all. "Good evening folks" I'd say
all-too-cheerily, flushed and slightly perspiring. One rule only: NEVER
find out who was actually in that room. Eesh. I should have kept a chart of all
the rooms I "did" and treated myself to a sundae when I "cleared" out
a floor. Hey, you gotta have goals.
While my mom had sex with her
boyfriend in the next room. Beyond comment. Freud, wherefore art thou?