Metal Gear Solid 3 Preview

Jhoh Creexul 05/18/2003  

Download the MGS3 preview trailer
The story of the next highly anticipated Metal Gear Solid game involves Solid Snake, the man with the cock-like name, going insane in a jungle somewhere after realizing the possibility that love can't bloom on a battlefield. Snake ends up wildly hallucinating a massive scale attack in the jungle, as he wanders around alone in reality.

This time around, the game will be more action driven, featuring none of the other characters from the previous games, just Snake and a bunch of non-existent enemies, including dogs that you must constantly run from (as they tell you to kill your parents), and imaginary soldiers firing constant barrages of grenades that never hit you. Snake will automatically come upgraded with a thermal vision mode (which is really just another figment of his imagination), and a wide variety of extremely powerful weapons (which he probably doesn't even have), with infinite ammo. He will also feature a dazed stupor that he can never recover from.

Most of the game takes place in this rain forest, somewhere in Russia(?!), but the writers of the game (there are about 25 of them, including Hideo Kojima even though he said he wouldn't be working on this game) hint that there will be a section that takes place on the alien border world of Xen, where Snake will be outfitted with a jetpack, a first for the MGS series!

As seen in the trailer, Snake actually eats snakes, in the depths of his madness. This is apparently a way of regaining health, which you can see as bullet holes on Snake's body (part of some very advanced new effects coding) close up and disappear (even though the bullet holes don't really exist) as he devours these large reptiles (which may or may not be there). However, if you do not hiss afterwards, as seen in the trailer, you will take poison damage, even though you are apparently eating Boas, which are non-venomous.

So Snake runs around a forest, face caked with snake blood, talking to imaginary people on his broken CODEC, and fighting tons of enemies that aren't there while dodging explosions that don't exist. A few of the writers claim that it was the only way they could top themselves after the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2.

One of the biggest new features (no pun intended, LOL!!!!!!!) will be "erection mode," where Snake's erection grows as he kills more people. After killing 1000 people, it grows to full size, and you can use it to beat enemies to death. This will be a pretty big departure from the usual stealth gameplay, since there aren't really any boxes to hide behind in a fucking jungle. Especially in a jungle that doesn't actually have real enemies in it. By the end of the game, thanks to some very cool new character model coding, Snake will end up resembling Jonah Falcon. At least in the pants. Also, his cock will pulse in time to the really really really really really dramatic music. And his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim.

The writers of MGS3 also hint to some of the villains who will be showing up this time around. Ocelot, with Liquid's arm still grafted onto him, is rumored to be the final boss, even though the "true form" version of this final boss will be Liquid's arm, detached, and flying around spouting poetry and scenes from Shakespeare plays. The second to last boss will probably be some other Metal Gear type mech. Then again, depending on certain choices you make in the game, Raiden could be the final boss. You have to kill him after he tells you that you need an intervention. Then Liquid's arm will fly out of your television towards your face, thanks to the help of some very awesome Metal Gear Solid 3 brand 3D glasses (which will be sold separately for about $50).

So far, this MGS sounds like it will be the biggest ever. A few writers have hinted that the ending will feature the UN being destroyed by nukes, Snake being crucified and reborn (with giant white wings and like 20 halos), and Otacon betraying him three times before the cock crows. Oh yeah, and Snake apparently burns down the entire rain forest. What more could we say? BEST GAME EVER.

Jhoh Creexul