Metal Gear Solid 3 REVIEW

Jhoh Creexul 1/16/2004  

Due to an ingenius plot twist in the now future Metal Gear Solid 3, I was able to travel back in time from when the game was (or will be) released in America, to just days after the E3 show. I won't tell you when it will be released, I would like to save that as a surprise for you, readers!

However, the new Metal Gear Solid game will feature not only very nice graphics and fun tactical espionage action, it will feature coding that lets you travel through time, for real. The best part is that it all ties in with the plot, where Snake travels back to the 1960s, when acid was legal. He buys an entire sheet of tabs, chews on all of them, and begins his adventure, as do you your's.

It turns out that the jungle seen in the trailers which have been released about... now, is indeed imaginary, as I predicted so many years ago when I was young and stupid. I am much much smarter now, but I was still always right about Snake hallucinating the entire game. It actually takes place in Snake's bathroom, explaining the humid climate, the stench of corpses, and the "snakes" that he eats. I will leave some of those surprises for you to discover as well, however.

The jungle areas aren't actually in the game, they're in a cutscene at the beginning where Snake wanders around a jungle, kills a guy in thermal vision mode, lots of stuff explodes around him, and dogs chase him off a waterfall. And then after that, you're in an exact recreation of Metal Gear Solid 2, including all of the original voice work and such, except in Raiden's place is Snake, and in Snake's place is Raiden. They don't swap voices though. So that means Snake sounds like a pussy. :(

After you play through the entire recreation of Metal Gear Solid 2, you are suddenly back in a jungle, at the entrance to a very large underground high-tech facility where the enemy seems to be stationed. The ground opens up and a large island seems to lift out of the jungle, containing the entire enemy base, with many spider-like arms coming out of it. Then the game resets and it erases your save, because you're not supposed to have finished MGS2.

There are several steps needed to proceed through the game.

  • Find a corner of a room about 5 hours in, between two specific plotpoints of the game, use the directional microphone on the corner, and push the triangle button 200 times.

  • A secret door will open on a random strut of the Big Shell facility, but it will be invisible so you'll have to knock on every wall in the entire MGS2 game to find it (apparently it is possible for the hidden door to be in a place that only appears in a cutscene, so you will never have an opportunity to find it and must instead start the entire game over again).

  • Your knock will be 1 decibel louder than knocks on the rest of the walls in the game.

  • You must face this wall in first person mode and push the triangle button 200 times.

  • The door will open and you'll have to fight 30 of those Metal Gear Ray mechs with no rations and half of your normal maximum health. By the way, for those of you who are curious, there will be a "director's cut" version of MGS3 that consists only of this section of the game.

After that, a cutscene then shows Snake becoming non-coporeal and flying out of his body. He flies into the air, out of the planet's atmosphere, and then into the moon, flying down through the ground of the moon into a large hollow near the moon's core. He finds non-coporeal aliens here, has a very long and complicated discussion about the nature, texture, creation, and ethical principles of peanut butter, in a 5 hour long cutscene. The cutscene is spoken in a language that doesn't actually exist (it's supposed to be an alien language) but fortunately there are subtitles. Many gamers feel it makes up for the fact that you can not skip any cutscenes in this game.

After this scene, a game of Tetris starts out of nowhere, and you must get a tetris within 5 minutes, which isn't too hard... except for the moody and edgy music that is playing in the background, and the fact that the game board looks wild and colored in a way that implies creepiness. According to Hideo Kojima, this Tetris game is meant to be symbolic of something about humanity or some shit, to tell the truth I can't really keep track of these stupid ass Jap plot twists. I think it had something to do with life being short and sometimes things are scary. After the Tetris game, you get a CODEC call from various characters explaining why this Tetris game is like life and it's weird and creepy and all that. It goes on for so long that eventually you forget everything that everyone says. In fact, there may be coding in the game that intentionally makes you forget what people say. Some designers have tried going through the code to find if there's anything that would cause that to happen, but after looking at the code for long enough, they forgot what they were looking for and quit.

Anyway, after all this, you finally float back down to Earth, in the secret base of the Patriots. This is where the ultimate use of stealth comes in... because you're a ghost! Therefore you have to hide from every person, camera, wall, door, elevator, stairway, and molecule of air. This is because you are inherently hiding from all of these things, what with you having no body. You float through the gigantic base, eventually finding a large computer bank. There's a 10 hour cutscene here of the Patriots telling you that they need to rule the country because without order there is chaos and without chaos there is order, and then Snake rebuts them by saying that no single group can rule over so many humans, because humans have free wills, and then the Patriots rebut him and Snake rebuts them and it goes on and on back and forth without the ability to save or turn off the game (if you try to, it erases your entire memory card) until 10 hours later Snake unleashes a mystical EMP attack and wipes out all the computers (there's a cool "easter egg" secret here, where if you push the triangle button as this is happening, your Playstation 2 will send out an EMP pulse and erase every hard drive, video tape, and audio cassette in your house, along with making your microwave explode, spewing radiation everywhere).

After this you fly towards the surface, and once you get back into Snake's body, you find out that the planet is ruined and everyone is dead. This is never explained why, but it's here where, if you hold triangle, you can travel back in time. Snake begins to talk about wishing he could travel back in time, and when you hold triangle here, your PS2 explodes, sending out an inverse tachyon pulse, rupturing the fabric of space/time and sending you back in time to a random time previous to MGS3's release, but within at least ten years.

If you choose not to travel through time, there's a cutscene of Otacon walking into Snake's apartment, after following him back through time. He goes into the bathroom and finds Snake passed out in the tub, filled with green water (from some kind of strange green bath salts that Snake has added). Otacon falls to his knees and begins to cry in slow motion for about 20 minutes, with many many many many tilted-angle overhead shots, as Otacon sobs loudly. This scene really shows off the brilliant graphics engine coded into MGS3! When Otacon is finished crying, he starts crying again, even louder. This goes on for a full minute when Snake finally wakes up, jumps out of the tub (with his "Zone of Enders 4" boxer shorts on, thankfully). Then, the entire screen flashes red and white rapidly (about 5 red pulses per second) for a full minute. This is put in to distract you possibly with a seizure. If you're epileptic, I strongly recommend you purchase the seperate "Metal Gear Solid 3 brand espionage action epilepsy protection goggles," which are sold from Japan for about 50,000 yen. You can only pay yen for these, they won't accept American dollars. They're really just goggles with black spraypaint over them. Anyway, after this, if you aren't having a seizure, you immediately fight Otacon. This is really easy since you just punch him once and then hit the square button to snap his neck, but you have to do this before he can grab a gun and shoot you (one hit will kill you, and of course it will also erase your save).

After Otacon is dead, you tear his head off and immediately go into a hallucination where you are playing basketball with his head. You don't play against anyone, but you have to make five 3-point shots in 10 seconds. Fortunately, if you don't do this, it lets you try again, as opposed to erasing your save.

After this, there is a cutscene where Raiden wakes up and says, "IT WAS ALL A DREAM" in that fuckin faggoty voice of his, that fucking faggot. No offense to the voice actor, who I'm sure is a nice guy and I think did a fine job of voicing Raiden in MGS2. Anyway, after this there is a very complicated mini game where Raiden has to attempt to wedge his dick out of Rose's ass by memorizing and pressing an incredibly complex series of button presses, occasionally combined with stick or game pad movements. If you succeed in this, you finally get a screen that says "THE END." And then your television explodes.


Better than Half-Life 2 by far. Which means of course that it's better than Halo 2, which might as well just forget about being released because Half-Life 2 is going to have people buying it so many times for such a long time that Halo 2's sales are going to be something like 40 copies, Bungie will lose millions of dollars, and eventually go bankrupt and end with several sporadic mass suicides and they will all suck cocks in hell for even considering of releasing a game within 100 years of Half-Life 2. For some reason, the thousands of other games that will be released in the next 100 years will not have their companies going bankrupt. I don't know why, it's crazy.

Jhoh Creexul