CGW gives Doom 3 Five Stars in Their Whoriest Fucking Review Ever

Bill Dungsroman 8/22/2004 

Rafiki provides his take on Doom 3. "Note that there is brown.".

This is one hell of a ride!

Who the fuck is Darren Gladstone? His review of Doom 3 in this months CGW ("This is one hell of a ride!" HAHA get it?) has singlehandedly totally annihilated whatever respect I had left for the mag after their loathsome, craven Black&White review. I'll tell you who he is, he's a fucking fanboy, pissing all over himself because he got to play the game early, in what he describes as "being locked in a dark Altered States-like room at Activision's offices to prevent game piracy." Why? Obviously, "just to have bragging rights for playing Id's newest creation early." Sure, with all that build-up, and no knowledge of what gamers who will play the game at home at their leisure and not "locked" in a room in isolation and apparently under some stress-related brainwashed psychosis, he barfs out the most kiss-ass, dicksucking, pandering shitheap of a review fucking ever for CGW.

In the beginning of the review, right after that gay anecdote about locked rooms and 30-year-old films starring William Hurt, he makes you ask him, "Is it as good as the hype?" Well, guess what he answers? "Hell, yes!" See, there's that clever joke again. But wait! That's just the header for that part of the review. Dig this:
Darren, taking his mouth off John Carmack's cock for two seconds wrote:

"Doom 3 is more than just one of the best games of 2004 - it's also better than this summer's spate of action movies."
Fucking. Wow. The review rambles through the beginning of the game, unavoidably mentioning how it's a shallow rip-off of Half-Life's beginning (without denouncing it as such, beyond mentioning that Half Life is a game from "back in the day"). Then: "Brace yourself!"

Gladstone poses the question: "Can a human being sustain that kind of heightened paranoia for hours at a time?" You know what kind of heightened paranoia he means: monster closet in the dark heightened paranoia.

JUST HOW BIG A WHORE IS DARREN GLADSTONE? I'm sure you're asking by this point. I'll tell you: one who apparently is shilling for speaker manufacturers. No less than three seperate times does Darren implore, nay demand you to go out and buy 5.1 surround speakers NOW. Why, it's even a QUICK TIP! QUICK TIP! Run down to Best Buy and purchase speakers! Quick! No, really, he literally says (the third time) that if you don't have a 5.1 speaker kit, "buy one quick." And near the end, you know it's coming: Gladstone tells you you need to buy a new computer. Got all that? Adjusted retail price of Doom 3 : $50+$350+$1500=$1900 (conservative estimate).

The levels are cramped and dark, yes? To Gladstone, however, Id "did such a careful job orchestrating your claustrophobia" with its "three-ring circus of adrenaline and fear" that ultimately, you guessed it, Doom 3 "ELEVATES GAMING AS AN ART FORM." Oh shit, he said the fucking A word, didn't he?

Listening to boring, overlong, poorly-voiced logs to get fucking key codes is actually "another way the game immerses you" using "interactive devices." Clicking Play on my dopey PDA is "interactive?" Who knew? How Gladstone makes his description somehow sound positive is reality-defying:
"That's right, the days of using red and blue keys to advance are long gone. It's now a world of utilizing security codes and fetching various components to get gear up and running again."
You'd think he was complaining, taking that out of context. But in a five-star review? Unpossible! Note he avoids mentioning the yellow keycard, the universal keycard color for stupid gameplay devices. He also says "gear," because even a sphincter-hoovering plebian like Darren can't for the life of him remember what any of that clunky shit was really for in the game. He also avoids mentioning that doors sometimes open just for the hell of it, just because you entered Room X on the other side of the level. Too bad, he missed a chance to use his clever little joke.

There is some further stomach-turning gladstoning shit about how all the screenies in the review are only 800x600 and WOW LOOKIT EM! But hell, that's old asshat by now. Let's close with this:

"I can finally rest easy for a few seconds...Doom 3 blew my mind and messed with my pwecious sleep patterns for TWO DAYS STRAIGHT...Now that Id has grabbed back the FPS crown, 'we' say, 'Hail to the king, baby!'"
VOMIT. Pure, rectum-spasming dry-heaving hurl. Okay, the inflections and emphases are mine, but what's the difference? And to close with THE MOST used-up whored-out Ash quote in the history of time is just perfect, I say.

What a shit-sorry review. I thought Jeff Green was the main FPS reviewer. Where's his review? Who is this clownshoe? Back issue checking shows a fairly level-headed reviewer (he gave the horrific Breed 1.5 stars) up until now. Jesus.

Bill Dungsroman