Creexul 2/24/2007 

Endless Caruso One-Liners
David Caruso in The David Caruso Show, starring David Caruso (as himself)

CSI Miami is a popular television show that airs on CBS, in which a crime is committed, then Caruso shows up on the scene, followed by him and some other cop going over the introductory details of the crime, and then Caruso will begin a one liner, pause, put his sunglasses on, finish the one liner, then begin moving quickly out of the frame just as The Who kicks in his door. The pure Carusitas of all this pegs the shame-o-meter at 9,001. The rest of the episode is probably written around this.

Miami is the spinoff to the original CSI show, which was a show about criminal crime lab investigators using investigation laboratories and shit like that to solve crimes. CSI Miami is only related by the fact that it occasionally has a scene where David Caruso or some other faggot will clip off the end of a cotton swab, or unconvincingly pretend to look at something under a microscope.

The amazing variety of characters ranges from "David Caruso" to "some other idiot." Everyone on the show has a turn at being completely incompetent, from the guy who died in the third season because he didn't clean his gun (I guess crime lab guys need to use their guns a lot... MIAMI STYLE) to the new idiot who replaced him who is always getting in trouble because he's a hothead, to the only competent-seeming guy in Delko, to the Cuban member who does all the diving for the CSI team (I don't know why either). This, combined with these supposed crime lab guys storming people's house with their guns drawn, to Caruso personally interrogating all of the suspects and giving them really intense stares (burning their souls out in order to DRAG THE TRUTH FROM THEM o_o) means that eventually the show stops being a cop drama with lab scenes and turns into more of a science fantasy that takes place in an alternate universe. Even the actual CSI lab looks more like a crazy evil villian's volcano base, with the glass walls everywhere and decorative glass shutters, hanging lights, and 3 story ceilings with stairways that don't seem to go anywhere, and no windows showing the outside. And the totally fake computer screens with more pointless page transition effects and crazy text zooms and flips and junk Of course the fakest of all CSI cliches, the infinite resolution zoom, where they have some security camera picture which already looks grainy and black and white, then they zoom until it's like 5 pixels, and somehow use their CSI computer magic to focus it impossibly into a new picture, like one that would've had to already have been taken at that resolution, which cameras don't do. Everyone basically knows that, but the only people on the entire planet who don't have all been hired to write scripts for CSI Miami. Even CSI Normal tries to avoid this bullshit contrivance. And of course CSI New York doesn't avoid it because it's just CSI Miami without the entertainment value (I know this without having watched it).

Every episode has a ridiculous overdose of pointless video effects with the zooming swish pan slow motion to sudden speed up back to slow motion to normal motion blur rips then the effect where the CSI crew is shown walking in slow motion and then everything gets real dark for a second and it goes into REALLY FOR REAL slow motion, then it turns all bright and overexposed as the film speed shoots up for a split second then back to slow motion again with ridiculous techno music playing the whole time and lens flares and blurs and double sideways scrolling overlapping split screen black and white freeze frames with screeching distortion sound effects. And that's when nothing is even happening, it's just for the helicopter shots of Miami. It goes so beyond hitting the rock bottom of the barrel (where the rocks are) that it becomes something beyond the worst show on TV and flips it all around and becomes perhaps the best, where every episode is a reliable formula of Caruso one liners, shoot outs, head tilts, pointless effects, and CG shots of bullets or knives going into people's arteries, or air molecules shown visibly floating through the air and landing on some guy's shirt, JUST WAITING... FOR THE CSI DUDES TO FIIIIIIND (yaaa). 8(

Most of the events in this show are totally unrealistic, but even the ones that might be realistic are probably not true. It seems like whoever writes the scripts for these shows have no clue at all what they are writing about, from actual crime scene investigations to ballistics. Only on CSI Miami could a .22 to the chest actually kill someone. And they're always finding fingerprints in a car that blew up and sunk to the bottom of the ocean or some shit. It's impossible to watch this show and not question it at least every 10 minutes.

One of the most annoying things in the show is that fuckin thing where they make a bunch of talking scenes all quiet, and then the montage scene where they test some DNA or run a substance through trace analysis to stupid techno music is loud enough to blast your fuckin eardrums out. I think they do this to keep all the old people, who keep this show at #1 every week by the millions, awake by making them turn it up extra loud for then talking, and then suddenly some gunfire or music will blow their speakers out and keep the old folks from dozing off. That and the extremely graphic scenes of people's faces being blown off in the flashbacks of "so this is what happened when the bullet entered in the eyeball and bounced off the back of the skull exiting the throat" type of scenes.

For some reason there's a ton of ridiculous action packed scenes shoehorned into every episode, with Caruso personally shooting at least one person, and the gunfight takes place at a funeral or hospital or the lab itself. Or sometimes Caruso shoots the funeral or hospital or lab itself. Because they must PAY. 8( After the various gunfights, they always have one guy still alive so Caruso can bring them to the interrogation room and tilt his head threateningly at them, promising to find the truth 8( even though his character seems like he couldn't find his dick with both hands and a flashlight and road map and a couch in the living room and soup in the microwave and bloo bloo whatever the fuck is even happening in this insane endless disaster area of a show. They need another CSI team just to sort through the ridiculous bullshit scripts. And what is up with the coroner chick talking to all the corpses? It is almost as dumb as cutting to the cops on the scene and Caruso is looking into the sky for no reason, possibly looking at things your plebian eyes cannot even imagine.

The old people being the main viewer base of this show also explains some episodes where the main character dramas are stupid things like a team member is accused of smoking the marijuana cigarettes or video games teaching our children to kill and the game company execs are secretly funding the killings. O_______O Or when the new hothead incompetent CSI dude (known to me only as CSI Dick) gets shot in the face with a nailgun, and Caruso pretends to care about how he needs to get his eye checked out and will CSI dick lose his eyesight? STAY TOONED.

Ditto for the plot thread where a mole in the CSI lab 8( is leaking information to the press or whatever, and Carusooooooo is going to get to the bottom of it. 8( It turns out it's the new hotter young chick who does DNA, and when it's revealed no one cares because Caruso is in Brazil avenging the death of Delko's unbelievably hot sister who had leukemia and then Caruso married her and all of 5 minutes later in that episode she's killed. So Delko gets into a knife fight with the final boss in Brazil, where the bad guy has two knives, then he loses one and Caruso stabs him, and then crime is gone. It plays out more ridiculously than it sounds. They top it a couple episodes later when Caruso single handedly saves Miami from terrorism with a plot to truck bomb a nuclear power plant, and Caruso himself of course is at the police blockade (not in the lab doing swabs? PSH THAT IS FOR FAGS) firing a sniper rifle at a mysterious explosive weak point for massive damage blowing up the truck before it can reach its target. And also blowing up the durka durka terrorist who was speaking in some terror language, and the subtitles pointlessly translate it AND the subtitles fade leaving certain words (like "brother" or "target") hanging on the screen like some kind of BSG intro except a billion percent befuddling in its stupidness. The stupidness being the main entertainment value in CSI Miami, so if you can get into that sort of thing then there is plenty of reason to watch it.

Since the characters are always fucking something up because they're fuckups, internal affairs shows up often to question the CSI crew, which would happen a little too often on a real cop show. Then every time the IA guys show up, the hard boiled CSI crew are always dicks to them and like WELL WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS and they act like they really are criminals. Aren't these guys just supposed to be glorified lab techs? Of course Caruso is the biggest dick to internal affairs guys, especially when they're just doing their job. The CSI guys pretend to act like such a tight knit important family of friends that they will cover for each other, even if they were all just government sanctioned serial killers. Even when the doofus CSI gets blown away because his gun jams, the other CSI guys act like they are being really noble of his gay memoryyyyyyyyyyyyy because they end the report as "gun malfunction" and act like they are clearing his name or some shit, when really they are just sweeping the guy's incompetence under the rug which in real life would just indicate that they let a lot of shit slide which would end up with them all being fucking FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRBLBLLBLBBLLED like the clueless newbs that they are. But of course in the bizarre and mysterious CSI Miami universe, Caruso is actually leading a crack squad of crime solvers who can't be stopped, not even by the meddling internal affairs department who is only trying to hold them back and question their findings. But no matter what universe this show is supposed to be taking place, you can watch it and still realize that the "good guys" in this show are doing everything wrong. It doesn't lead to further complications and crazy plot twists, like it would in House or Battlestar Galactica. It just leads to more Caruso shootouts and goofy montages of film distortion effects designed to cover the flimsy plots.

Caruso's appearance in the Troll Police Comics are also notable.
Where the rest of the castmembers are dicks in a lot of general ways, Caruso naturally steals the show by being the head dick, as a character and apparently as an actor, because whenever anyone else gets a one liner with Caruso in the scene, he'll always get the last word as if he demanded to and pointlessly add a "yes it does" or something before putting on some sunglasses and walking out of frame. Later into the show he'll not only add it but start interrupting other people's observations with a "yes it does" line before moving on, stepping on any spare dialogue that happens to get in his way. Caruso doesn't stop for the other piddling characters. 8( Especially if he is dealing with a kid involved in a crime, and he gets all "nice" and it's supposed to show that he's great with kids when really he just seems creepy because he's pushing his voice so hard and always trying to sound intense, even when he has... dinner plannnnnnnnnnnnnns. He instead comes off like the guy who punches people instinctively because they walk up to him without his knowledge and then he has to apologize and explain that it is because of his elite close quarters combat training. Except instead of the punching, he draws his gun and crouches aiming down the ironsights and it turns out it's a dog playing with a squeak toy or someone is making coffee. He is such a fine tuned police cop that he has to restrain himself from blowing away everyone in the lab for their suspicious body movements. 8( I think the show is always dangerously close to ending forever because at some point Caruso will mistake himself in real life for his ridiculous TV character (from The David Caruso Show starring David Caruso as... David Caruso yaaaa) and gets fucking blown away a million times trying to stop some robbery or mugging or thinking he can defuse a real hostages situation by trying to sound intense and pushing his voice and using the head tilt ironsight posture. After he dies from that, they'd do one last Miami episode with half already shot footage and half CG replacement and doubles and pasting in a voice dub that was thrown together from other episodes. Then they'd just cancel it and run the rest of it forever on Spike TV. Or maybe none of that will happen and Caruso will live a long full life. That's... that's probably what will really happen. Sorry for digressing into something that I didn't really fully believe in, and wasted everyone's time making them read it just to finish slogging through this article. :(

One of the only positives of CSI Miami is that it at least has the massive cheese factor, and the Carusitas factor, which means it's about a thousand times more watchable than CSI New York, which just has nothing. It's better to watch Caruso tilt his head like Paris Hilton, look down, put his sunglasses on, put his hands on his hips, then look back up to fire some zinger at a suspect, as opposed to watching the CSI New York guys swab a fingerprint to find out that the murder was just another dumb accident or something boring without the CSI guys shoulder rolling away from an exploding Pentagon before getting up on one knee and blowing away 4 bad guys. But still, if you want to watch a show where people investigate crime scenes to solve crimes, you're better off watching the original CSI. None of these shows really deserve to be the #1 show in the country though.