Cut It Out, Jerry - The bombMexico Story

bombMexico 3/25/2009 

One man's act of unwarranted kindness towards an occasionally violent Canadian of questionable worth.

A young man I recently met non-sexually over the internet, let's call him Jerry Whorebach, explained to me a slow spiral of self destruction, and time and my patience were quickly running out. As Jerry's anxiety increased his suicide attempts became increasingly more lethargic. Pills and breath holding were already attempted, I knew leaving the window open and catching pneumonia wasn't far behind. Something had to be done - when I had the time because I was kind of busy at work.

While talking him down had had a calming effect, it couldn't continue much longer. I had other shit to do and besides, I didn't want to close AIM or give up my awesome handle. A physical gift might buy him off guilt-free, and balking at the freight cost could convince him to pay to have it FedExed, if only to touch an object that had been held by other human hands, the wild fantasies of a shut in come true!

I looked around the house for something to get rid of, but nothing seemed appropriate. An authentic American newspaper, a flash drive with pictures of my sister's friends, no idea was discarded. If only there was something I could do with the least amount of time and effort and also on the way to picking up my sister from her job...


For Jerry! To dust off my skills! To kill a good 30 minutes easily! As I altruistically signed my name I thought about playing as Dhalsim to be even more like Ghandi but quickly decided against it, Dhalsim is fucking awful and this is serious business.

Round 1 went well. 75 Gamestops in a 10 mile radius guaranteed a favorably low turnout, and my opponent made the fatal mistake of not picking Sagat! In the final I lost to a Gamestop employee but 2nd place still advances to the next round so the dream remained alive.

Long story short, I was fucking destroyed in the 2nd Round, those guys weren't screwing around. Jesus. Jerry's dream of paying to truck an enormous arcade cabinet he doesn't want or have room for and my dream of not embarrassing myself in public - both shattered.

The moral of the story is some Gamestop cunt was apparently taking pictures of the winners with their prizes and I flashed a smile any retard would be proud of. They then posted these pictures at their store. Someone from work recognized me. Depending on how big of a prick he is I may end up having to ax-murder my entire workplace or move and get another job. All for you Jerry!