Tales From Bahrain, Volume One

Quétinbec 9/5/2009 

'The armpit of planet Earth?'
Bahrain, as depicted through the CGA interface.

30% of Bahrain is reclaimed land.

This year, they are tipping 160 trillion tons of sand into a bay at the north of the island. Fuck your hippy-assed Western 'emission controls' as a solution to global warming. Temporarily double your country's population with Indian slave labourers and use them to grow your country's landmass. Problem solved (you bitch-assed western pussies).

In the West, we associate good love with warmth and bad love with the cold (for instance, the 'ice cold bitch'). I took it for granted that this analogy was applicable to all humans because I thought it based on human biological sensations. I met an Arab who works as a translator for the Malaysian embassy here. He told me his love for Western poetry started when his teacher read him that Shakesparian poem which starts, "(Your?) love is like a summer's day" and then explained to him that, in the West, comparing something to a summer's day ISN'T a curse (like it is in the Middle East). He was, like, "[Holy fuck,] this western poetry is [some crazy shit]". He showed me Arab love poems where guys are saying, "Your icy touch... chills my heart" and meaning that in a good way and going on about winter time like it's a beautiful thing, and how when he translates these poems to English, he has to change cold sensations to hot ones for the analogies to retain their meaning! I didn't ask them if this also applies to sporting analogies like "He's on fire!" and "ice cold shooting".

There are no enforced speed limits here. People only indicate SOMETIMES when they're doing U-turns. That's it. Petrol costs 25c a US Gallon and high end cars have a setting which allows people to lock their car with the engine still running so the AC keeps it cool for when they get back from shopping at the mall. Petrol is cheaper than water.


This month, Arabs aren't eating or drinking water during the day and become so fatigued from that and the heat that towards sundown, they're driving as if drunk. They're driving Hummers and shit like that so they don't really give a fuck who they hit. Foreigners aren't much better. We're driving rental cars with insurance structured so that you pay $50 per dint, but only $100 excess if you write the car off. I caved in the front bumper of my Camry on my second day with it and have also lost a hubcap. It's now cheaper for me to write my car off than return it with slight damage. I drive with that in the back of my mind. The driving is fucking insane. It's going to be very hard to go back to a country with speed limits. Driving 140kph through the city centre like it's no big thing is fucking rad. It's like a computer game. Anytime I have a spare moment, I go for a drive.

They drive on the wrong (American) side of the road, through. Usually I chew gum to calm myself down when I'm frightened, but that's illegal now because of Ramadan, so when I rented my first car, rather than chew gum, I put together a CD of punk music and rocked the fuck out to it to get myself in an assertive frame of mind. Now I almost keep up with the European cars in my Camry. When I was driving a Yaris, the pedal was to the metal for about 20% of the 15 minutes it took to get to the mall. Even then, guys would whiz by me like I was a piece of shit.

The natives

Most of the prostitutes here are Filipino. What the fuck?! I wonder if it's Filipinos over other Asians because they have wider eyes and darker skins so more closely resemble the Arabs (so, with a Filipino, it's easier for Arabs to pretend they're fucking their neighbour with the hot eyes). There are also Chinese and Thais, though. There are Middle Eastern whores too apparently, but I haven't seen them, yet.

It's sad for Asian girls because they come here expecting to be maids and then get stuck with that horrible shit and can't tell anyone because their family back home would disown them. They're very desperate. Only the lowliest American soldier or most divorced middle aged man dates them, though. I consider myself above them now. More importantly, other people consider me above them too. The Filipinos hit on me, though, and some of them are very pretty so I often think about them and how I could fuck one without anyone finding out.

I've had limited success with Arab girls. Talking to them in public is difficult for them because they're very restricted in what they're able to do, so they stare at you instead. They don't make eyes at you - they fucking bore through you until you look away frightened. This kind of thing.. I've never been able to stand more than a couple of seconds of it. I don't know how you're supposed to react. I don't think there's anything I can do. Some people smile. I look at my shoes! HAhah!

I accidentally impressed an Arab girl working the checkout without a burka or headress. I target girls like that on the rare occassion I can because I think they're brave to go without wearing all that in public and I find that attractive. On this occassion, I was dressed up because I met the finance people to get my relocation allowance. I didn't (and still don't) have a bank account because I haven't received my foreign worker ID, so I had $US5000 in Dinars in my wallet. The currency uses Arabic numbers and I was a bit confused about the value of the notes in my wad. I was going through this enormous wad in front of her like an idiot trying to find the lowest unit to pay for the groceries. The Indian bagboy was helping me out but I wasn't letting him touch my money. The whole time this Arab girl was giving me that crazy fucking stare. She wasn't looking at the money. She was looking into my soul! Afterwards, I was supposed to be going to my car, but instead I must have wandered through about half the aisles at a department store without knowing what I was doing. I was in the pillow aisle when I snapped out of it and wondered where the fuck I was! I'd been hypnotized! Hahahah!

I've talked shit with Arab girls in pubs, though. I've shared wank stories. They don't come back with anything, but they think they're funny. Once however, I told a pretty traditional Bahraini girl about the time I ate my own pubic hair. :( I think I've written about that here somewhere. This was at a bar and she thought it was pretty hilarious and then we talked about the thermal heat maps they use to screen people for swine flu at the airport and how I was scared to walk through one with an erection, and she thought that was funny too, so I was like, "Hell yeah! They're no different to girls anywhere else in the world!". Then, I used 'fucking' as an adjective and she stops me and says, "I actually find that word very, very offensive." What the fuck?! The F-word crosses a line that pubic hair and erections don't? That really fucked me off. Now I'm dating a chubby Canadian Elementary school teacher. How mature of me. We're having coffee in three hours :(