Caltrops - Peter Molyneux's The Movies





	[quote name="Zsenitan"]WELP I saw this on like Friday with a bunch of dicks from Customer Service and their unimaginably ugly girlfriends. Pre-film conversation (over well drinks in a bar full of other unimaginably ugly people) centered on Megan Fox' perfection, then the dick with an iPhone tore out pictures of Megan Fox' thumbs. <img src="http://www.bittenandbound.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/megan-fox-thumbs.jpg"> <b>Caption: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK</b> Then I took a fellow asthete out back and plowed through a thermos full of bourbon with him. We were not unfamiliar with the reviews and felt that between the inherent quality of the movie and Megan Fox' thumbs, we needed an adequate cushion. I brought (and wore) earplugs. The purist in the group, who had already seen the movie a few times, swore that we were doing ourselves a disservice with these flagellate attempts at self-preservation. The only way to do Tran2 was sober, serious, and naked. As it turned out I didn't really feel the liquor as the movie was already very disorienting. I can safely agree with the purist. Transformers 2 is the ultimate triumph of technical theatre guys over the actors, directors, playwrights, editors, and audience. The performances have been randomly sampled from Transformers 1 and Dumbo, and the script was written by <a href="http://languageisavirus.com/cutupmachine.html">a cut-up program</a> operating on <A href="http://www.fanfiction.net/movie/Transformers/">Transformers fan-fiction.</A> Plots randomly arise and disappear without a trace in a fashion similar to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Room_(film)">The Room</a>. Like a pagan fetish, the skeleton of a single linear plot lurks darkly in the margins draped with the tatters of other ideas that have been hung upon it until it's no longer recognizable anymore. So it's useless to try and watch it as a <i>movie</i>. It's more like Akira Kurosawa's Dreams than a proper film, except instead of an orderly series of lyrical complete stories, there are glistening interrupted chunks of film ideas blown out at tremendous force and spattered onto a screen. You should be able to browse Trans2 as any chunk is as good as another. Let's take a list of some fun chunks instead of worrying about film school concerns. * Robot abortion (let's emphasize this real quick for the readers at home. <b>ROBOT ABORTION</b>.) * Robot scrotum * Robot Song Of The South * Robot Atomos * The most wonderful take on robot vagina dentata * Revisiting all our favorite scenes from Indiana Jones 3 * A sojourn at an alternate-universe bombed-out Hogwarts * Megan Fox' jiggling tits in extended takes * Megan Fox rapid-fire stripping (she does not finish the job, but you might say that she <i>transforms</i>.) * A camera following jet-form Starscream gets water vapor on the lens... * ...yet film is still full-up on Whatever Technology * A decommissioned and disgraced member of the intelligence community randomly calls up the captain of a battleship carrying an experimental weapon, and <i>persuades the captain to fire the weapon.</i> * Giant space gun/sun destroyer concealed in a pyramid My single favorite scene is one in which a presidental emissary arrives on the secret Transformers military base and talks an enormous lot of condescending shit at the commanding officer and his sidekick. Then, after he leaves, the sidekick (race: Transformers Black 2, "serious and military serious military", as opposed to Transformers Black 1, "Flavor Flav in blackface") mutters "I don't like that guy." "WELL WHY NOT?" I screamed at the screen, infuriating everyone behind me. There are several hundred chunks dedicated to showing Shia LeBoeuf. These are the weakest in the movie. Any time Shia is on the screen you can safely shut down, mentally, until he's gone, since his only purpose appears to be learning to accept that it's pretty great to be a boy. I think everyone should go see Transformers 2, unironically.[/quote]