Caltrops - Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days





	[quote name="Fortinbras"]Hitman 3 cannot be released quickly enough. This game is fucking boring and awful and left me with an unexplainable urge to go watch an episode of COPS. To take a game that was terrible and make it even worse takes talent. Those morons at IO Interactive should give themselves an award for this. Kane and Lynch 1 was <a href="http://www.caltrops.com/pointy.php?action=viewPost&pid=131814">70% crap to begin with</a>, but this game is 100% crap. They took the best parts of the first game and took them out! Guess what! When I say the bank heist and the shootout in the night club/hostage negotiation in Japan were the best parts of your game? Maybe you should put in more fucking bank heists and club scenes! The plot is shit. The game blows it in the first five minutes. Open with Lynch standing on a street corner waiting for Kane to arrive. Some guy is holding a shaky cam and filming Lynch. Who this is is never explained. Lynch invites Kane to Shanghai for some arms deal but first he has to kick some asshole's shitty tenement door in and threaten him. Why? I don't fucking know. And neither does he. This is never explained. Anyways, you kick in his door and catch him fucking some screechy chinese bitch. He flees without pants, she flees without clothes. You chase them through an ugly series of alleyways while like 100 fucking guys get in your way with SMG's. I know that China's got a lot of people in it but <b>COME ON</b>. Anyways, you corner them, Kane accidentally shoots the naked chick and the dude commits seppuku. You hop in a car with some british expat who talks the way Quetinbec posts, talking about how you can get a fuck and a haircut in Shanghai for 50 yuan. The car gets rammed by thugs and pretty soon you're having a goddamn shootout on the highway. <b>FOR SOME REASON NOBODY CONNECTS THIS TO THE MAYHEM YOU JUST PARTICIPATED IN.</b> It takes two levels of this bullshit to get the connection that you fucked up and killed some corrupt Chinese pol's daughter. Cue Kane and Lynch repeating their zany antics of shooting from cover and running from pissed off criminal elements and bloodthirsty cops for 6 boring, repetitive levels before getting their revenge. Minus any interesting dialogue, sets, or meaningful gameplay. All the guns are shit and have very low ammo caps. I wanted to stick with a rifle the entire game because that was the only thing capable of performing a headshot at more than 10 yards, but that was out of the question. Opponents take 10+ rounds to fall over. The multiplayer element is dead on arrival because of the aforesaid shitty single player. Those cocks at Penny Arcade will tell you they love a game for the multiplayer only but they're fucking full of shit. A game with a shitty single player experience won't get a good multiplayer audience. Unable to get a single multiplayer game lobby full of even six players I played the arcade mode AKA You and 7 bots who never betray you. And mind you, I bought this game on <b>the day of the Steam sale</b>, meaning I couldn't find 7 other people who thought this was worth 5 bucks. While I didn't get the full experience, I don't think the multiplayer is viable anyways. The scenarios are too compact and over too quickly to get any enjoyment out of the idea of fucking people over. If you fuck someone over, everybody knows it immediately and they're only five steps away from you. It's almost impossible for the cops to set up a position where they can block the escape of the criminals. Granted, I only played the Airport scenario, maybe the Bank Heist has more corridors to be isolated in. There are a lot of little quirky fun bits like being able to bribe your getaway driver/pilot with half your score money to fly off quickly while you scream <a href="http://www.hackcanada.com/canadian/zines/spacemoose/millennium.html">"SEE YOU IN HELL SHITDRINKERS"</a>, or if you're a nice guy you can scream at the pilot to wait up five more seconds to let some guy hop on. But since the getaway points are small, it's way too easy to shotgun seven guys in the back while they're queueing to hop on the damn getaway vehicle. Other things about this game that add to the overall feel of dogshit: - What in the FUCK is with the shakey cam? Is there a third character that we aren't introduced to? Was he shooting a documentary on shitty video games? - What in the FUCK is with the quality of the shakey cam? There are some utterly obnoxious lighting effects in this game <img src="http://cache.g4tv.com/images/ImageDb3/187/334/image187334/187334_S.jpg"> No, those lines across the center of the screenshot aren't creases from a bad magazine scan, they're lighting effects. EVERY LIGHT SOURCE IN THE GAME DOES THIS. Ruining your view with the perspective of someone with a bad lens prescription. - Shoot a guy in the face? His face gets a COPS-style blur. WHY? What the fuck, this game depicts a woman getting raped and tortured. But every person you shoot in the face gets a fucking blurred out COPS graphic. - Kane is ashamed to be in this video game. He mirrored my thoughts from the very beginning when he told Lynch "enough with this fucking gangster shit" before we even kicked down that asshole's door in the intro. The entire game Kane will yell at Lynch for being a dumbass and getting him into deep shit. I'm half-expecting to hear him yell that he wasn't even supposed to be here today. - Lynch has some girlfriend he talks to during the loading screens. This guy is a psychopath who strangled his last wife then shotgunned a bank full of people. I guess to make him appear crazy in this one he half-mumbles to himself during the gunfights. It's not very well done and it's what qualifies for character development in this game. Lynch makes the mistake of asking about Kane's daughter (who lived/died depending upon the ending in the first game) and Kane just says "How's my daughter? FUCK YOU! That's how she is! Don't ever bring it up again." Continuity, folks. [/quote]