Caltrops - American McGee's Stay Alive





	[quote name="laudablepuss"]Skipping ahead now to the current state of affairs. Dated a girl, let's call her Diane. She's a cute mouse of a girl, and it was the best first date ever. (No sex, best first date that I've had I mean.) After two dates and talking every day for a month, I was ready to call her my girlfriend. But nobody who says they are "looking for a relationship" online means that. Other than me, I mean. They mean "just dating" but they can't SAY that because if they SAY "just dating" that means "down to fuck" or some shit. nods wisely shrugs carelessly Whatever. Anyway, she gets quite distant for no apparent reason. So, I'm severely bummed out. Then another girl sends me an email (happens sometimes, especially with my "ask me how I didn't die" profile hur hur), and we start talking. Let's call her Artemisia. She's somewhat exotic, but I won't go into details lest I give a clue to her identity. Somewhat exotic, and also older than I am. I'd previously tried to date an older girl just a few months previously, but I don't think she read my profile. I mentioned my upcoming 20th high school reunion and she said, "uh oh, how old are you?" I told her and she asked, "am I a cougar?" "Please be a cougar", I suggested, but I think I was the only one that hurrred at that one. (It was over IM.) Anyway, Artemisia was hot, awesome, and totally insane. To be perfectly fair, she warned me right at the outset and I was like PSH YOU WANT TO BE INSANE, LET'S BE INSANE!!! Please buy my upcoming book, "Terrible Decision-Making and Setting Yourself Up to Fail". In short, over IM and on the phone, Artemisia and I spend hours relating our entire biographies. And I provided sage advice about a major problem of hers (actually, one of my rare moments of real, helpful advice). Back to Diane, she discovers she probably has herpes. This is not the end of the world. It makes her the third girl I've known with this (that has told me) and the second I've still wanted to bang. But it puts a damper on things, and makes me want Artemisia even more. I do my best to raise her morale, and we read webMD together a bit. I meet Artemisia and it was great. Solid second best first date . . . well distant second. But good! More talking and then a spontaneous visit to her house when she was in a terrible mood and asked if I wanted to come over. Sure, I said! She lived over an hour away, so I think she appreciated me driving up. We watched a movie but didn't do any smooching or anything. Diane next informs me that her best friend, a guy, wants to fuck her. Yeah no shit? But she didn't say that, she said she thinks she wants to try dating him for awhile. Okay, we decide to give gomer and Artemisia a month. Although my situation with Artemisia is nothing to brag about, we're basically friends at this point, and secretly, in my inmost thoughts, I feel it will go nowhere. But fuck inmost thoughts, let's get stupid! Did I mention that Artemisia can't pay the mortgage on her house and needs a room mate or to foreclose? She invited me to live with her, I politely declined. I still barely knew her, really, and it's far. I mean, I knew what she's told me I guess. Anyway, now she's seeing another guy, and he has her smoking and drinking and being crazy. She drank one glass of wine with me, she drank a bottle with this guy and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. Ooookay. I'm not exactly shocked, but very disappointed when she informs me that doofus (as opposed to Diane's gomer) is moving in. Just as friends. Okay, I think my emotional well being at this point is pretty much non-existent but ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH!!! Big date planned with Artemisia, and I go all out. Waaaay too much alchohol is imbibed, and we make out. A lot. And it was great. But she stops it from going further . . . DAMN. I drive home. (I could write pages about this date, btw.) Next day, in the evening, she calls to make sure I don't have the wrong idea. I'm pretty sure I haven't a clue what's going on at this point, but I know that I feel like SHIIIIIIIIIIT and I sit there for awhile trying to get my mind around this. Day after THAT is memorial day, no work. I'm with my family, and around 6 I get a text from Artemisia that she's nearby, ish, and did I want to visit? I know that in the town of Nearbyish is her Mom and also a friend . . . so I'm not sure who I'm going to meet. Turns out it's her friend, his female friend, and fucking doofus. Doofus is 1" taller than I am (I'm 6'1"), maybe 20 pounds heavier (maybe not that much, certainly not more), and otherwise really similar-looking. We talk and we have this conversation: Doofus: Twilight movies! But no actor could ever play Edward (is that the name, I seriously didn't know who the characters were until this) Me: Yeah but they're making a movie, so I guess you cast someone. Doofus: NOBODY HURRRRRRRRRRR VAMPIRES also movies about books that aren't as good as the books. Me: Yes, here are some of my complaints about the LOTR movies. [gay list of gayness, segue to bitching about the Matrix movies] Doofus: [somehow talking about sci-fi] Everything in the original series Star Trek was plausible Me: [Laughing] Uh no, not really, here's some facts. Doofus: OH MY GOD AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU'RE SINGLE! When are you ever not over analytical! Then doofus actually takes my hat off and puts his hat on me. I somehow do not attack him. Meanwhile, Artemisia has been drinking since noon, and here's her method: drink vodka straight from the bottle, then a sip of Sprite. She's at this point sick and a non-entity. Later, after some brats, she's feeling better and our host says, "let's go for a walk." Okay. 10 feet later, we're at the pool. Uh, okay. They're all gonna go for a swim, and Artemisia is very friendly at this point. Later she'd tell me that she was sitting in the hot tub holding doofus' hand on one side and her friend's hand on the other. And the only reason she knew THAT was because they told her; she remembered very little. Anyway, after doofus jumps in fully clothed, I say, hey! I gotta go. Take it easy, y'all. And bail with barely any ado. Later a friend would ask, "Why did you do that??" If it's not obvious, the reason is: a) she'd told me not to get the wrong idea (just friends), b) she was about to be drunk and scantily clothed and wet, and c) I could only imagine this was going to turn into a front row preview of her and doofus hooking up. <b>FUUUUUUUUUUUCK</b> I don't hear from her the next day until she IMs me and asks me to call a different number because her phone drowned when she was swimming hammered. It's doofus's. Great. Okay we talk for 5 minutes, but I'm texting Diane and I don't want to be rude to her, so I ask her to call me tomorrow. She says she will. Next day, she does not. Day after that she texts me that she has a new phone. I say, can I call you later at 10:00 pm? She says okay. Diane calls me at 8:00 and tells me she and gomer are doing great. So . . . that's gonna continue. Okay. Then I call Artemisia at 10:00 pm, no answer. Text at 10:15, are you out at the gym? No reply. I'm now actually in tears for the first time since 2005. I feel like I'm being treated very inconsiderately, and I'm also depressed by Diane's announcement. Then at midnight, Artemisia calls me! But hey, guess what, I'm a mess. We talk, she seems contrite, sorta, but officially gives me notice that we won't be dating, ever. And that's it for me. By the way, best way to not cry for very long is to be in an apartment with thin walls, and be afraid someone will hear you. Fades relatively fast, although for me that's still an hour, starting and stopping. I spent that night working on documents I need for my brand new therapist who I'd be seeing the following week. Yes, in the midst of this, I'd decided I better try this route. Filling out the forms makes me feel like I'm doing something positive. Next day, I tell Artemisia (who wanted me to go up to a BBQ at her place with the same characters as before present, plus her daughters so she KNOWS she'll be responsible!!! Or something) that I can't visit, and I can't talk to her anymore, at least for some weeks. This is at lunch, while I'm at work. Then I have a few more tears, and get back to the office. Therapist calls, tells me she can't handle my issues, and I need someone with a better degree, someone with "doctor" in front of their name. Thankfully, I also have an appointment with such a person -- I'd made two, so I could choose which one I liked better. But I had to laugh at this, since it sounded like the same phone call Artemisia and Diane and given me. Every event happens twice, once as tragedy, then as comedy. ;) That brings us almost to today, when I have a lot more news, and my therapist appointment tomorrow. I've written too much already, so that'll have to wait.[/quote]