Caltrops - Rants





	[quote name="Fok"][quote name="Ray, of Light"]I can't match Bill's decathalon of hedonism, but my skill -- nay, <i>mastery</i> -- of work-avoidance did not come about by chance. It's a talent I've prized and nurtured since childhood, and I'd like to share the evidence with all of you. 10.    Task: Complete Engineering Homework     Strategy: Befriend Foreigners Chinese? An obvious choice, but they have some kind of honor/self-respect thing going that makes them all squeamish about sharing their work. The Indian and Pakistani guys, however, would readily fork over, in trade for other assignments. I built a tidy network of "cells" and a rep for having only first-hand work -- fewer errors and less risk. Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. 9.    Task: Buy New Shoes     Strategy: See if Old Shoes Get Better They don't. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 8.    Task: See Doctor about Thing on Neck     Strategy: Snip I had a small, globular mole hanging on my neck by its tiny umbilical cord. It was there my whole life, but became onerous when I started wearing collared shirts. I used scissors. Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. I was surprised at how much it hurt. 7.    Task: Ask Out Girl who is already a Friend     Strategy: Malign all other Males, Make Self Only Logical Choice This was in high school. My solution was initially effective, but did not scale. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 6.    Task: Pay Bills     Strategy: Don't The phone, cable, and parking-ticket guys are great. The power, landlord, and speeding-ticket guys are ruthless. Outcome: <b>Mixed</b>. 5.    Task: Learn Freshman Calculus, in 12 hours     Strategy: Shop for a Van This was the night before the final. Integration by parts was chafing me, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I'm ever to be happy, <i>I must own a van</i>. I had neither money for nor need of a van, but still spent hours browsing listings, learning about vans and a few things about myself: am I a cargo-van guy, or more of a mini-van guy? Is all-wheel drive important to me? How often will I need to tow? Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. Inspired to succeed, I pulled an all-nighter studying, then concocted an illness and received a final grade based on copied assignments. 4.    Task: Get Haircut     Strategy: Expand Definition of Hairstyle A uncut head of hair looks pretty wacky after 18 months, but most people mistook it for soulfulness. Outcome: <b>Victory</b>. 3.    Task: Wipe Ass     Strategy: Shower This one seemed like a sure winner. If anything, I was ahead of my time: I'll try this again when shower drain design has advanced somewhat. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 2.    Task: Get out of Tent, Vomit     Strategy: Vomit-in-Place If you throw up inside a tent and go back to sleep, be prepared to awake in a new kind of hell. Outcome: <b>Defeat</b>. 1.    Task: Fulfill Title's Promise     Strategy: Self-referential Joke Outcome: <b>???</b>. Ray![/quote] I got the girl on #7. The key was to position every other guy as an unthinking brute and position myself as the sensitive, caring one. But that won't work on its own - you have to seal the deal by displaying subtle hints of vast inner pain via writing poetry you won't let anyone read, and hanging out by yourself (this is key - don't talk to the girl too much). It worked. But she was crazy. D'oh! #8: I put off going to the doctor, but it wasn't for a mole - it was for a disturbing lump on my testicle. Solution: <i>It will probably go away...</i> Outcome: <b>Defeat.</b> Though it wasn't cancer, which is what was freaking me out so much I wouldn't go into the doctor, it did turn out to be a hernia. The lump in my nutsack was just a thumb-sized loop of my intestines. Note that I put off getting this checked out for a good 18 months. I only went in when it started to hurt. [/quote]