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| Two consecutive homosexual wanks by Quétinbec 08/12/2009, 11:15pm PDT | ||||
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| About a week ago I masturbated to video of teenage girl sucking an ugly guy's dick. The guy had a stupid expression that was very annoying, but I put it out of my head and moved on to another video. I didn't cum to that girl.
The girl was pretty, though, and in retrospect I felt like I should cum to her at least once, so the next day I gave her another go. She was very slow in getting around to sucking his dick, though, and as she made her preparations I found my attention shifting to the annoying guy. He was quite skinny and I wondered if he looked like me. I wondered this as I was masturbating. Eventually, I stopped wondering and found myself masturbating to him. I went with it and I came to him. Holy shit, I thought. It's been, like, 5 years since my last homosexual wank. I didn't freak out about it because I've been there before, but I did worry slightly. Maybe a few hours later, I was playing Company of Heroes: Tales of Valour on its version of a 'Tower Defense' game mode called Stonewall. I remember I was at wave 9/16 and had 45 seconds until the next wave of Germans attacked. I remember this. As I was waiting for the Germans I thought something like, "Holy fuck! What does it mean that I had a homosexual wank a couple of hours ago? I can't just act like it's no big deal. What if it was some kind of closet moment?" And the countdown timer was ticking away as I was thinking this. The Germans were coming! Imagine if that was my closet moment! I decided, "Fuck this! It's time to sort it out!" I'll push it as far as it'll go and study what happens. I quit the game and went to wank over men. Here were the discoveries: Gay porn repulsed me. It seemed too 'gay'. I tried wanking to it, but I was disgusted. I used standard porn. Anything that clearly showed a guy's face made me want to punch the guy's face. I was most successful wanking to men on smudgey, hetero 320x240 video. I was also repulsed by male calves and lower legs, which is interesting because that's probably my favourite part of the female body. How does that work? After numerous bouts of repulsion, simple trial and error allowed me to locate an area from above his knees to under his neck that I could focus on and wank successfully to. Under these conditions, the second wank was completed. My feelings were mixed. I was a bit shaken to have just committed two consecutive homosexual wanks. That's a pretty scary thing to do. Like whoring, there was the thrill of doing something bad, and I hoped that my wanks were pretty much dependant on this thrill (which later tests indicated) and not on any secret gayness. The good news was there was only a very weak attraction to the men I wanked to, and there were many moments of strong revulsion. It didn't seem to come naturally. Total relief came later that night during my 3rd wank. I sat down with the intention of pulling off a 3rd, record breaking homosexual wank. I didn't want to consider myself bisexual. I don't know where you'd draw the line. I would never fuck a man, but at the very least I wanted to see how far I could go with these homosexual wanks. I thought it would be a good thing to know. The thrill had gone, though, and less than a few minutes in I became bored and found my attention drifting back to the female. I fought it for a while before giving up on the gay thing completely and cumming to a lady. What conclusions can I draw from those few homosexual wanks? Fuck knows. In the past, they've popped up at moments I felt inadequate and I always thought they were mostly a power thing. I don't feel inadequate at the moment, though. A lot of people around me are suffering, but I'm not. I feel fantastic. ANYWAY, I liked to think that gay wanks were a thing of my past, but these wanks have thrown a spanner in the works. It'll be interesting to see if I choose to wank to men at any time in the future, and under what conditions I make that choice. Were these wanks a peak out of the closet, or a peak into it? Of course the latter! And I've got over a decade's worth of wanks and powerful heterosexual tendencies to prove it. |
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