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| I blame prescription pain medication by up with pod people 03/30/2010, 8:33am PDT | ||||
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| POINT OF VIEW: Kirk and Spock in their prime on a dusty planet, in an environment that looks a lot like a Mass Effect landing site. There are other away team members searching in the distance. Inside a warehouse-like structure (sigh) littered with crates (sigh), they find a teenaged girl who looks something like Alicia Silverstone in the 90s, who is holding what appears to be a packaged action figure: by way of introduction she bemoans the fact that she is having a child she does not want.
Injustice! Our heroes must investigate. There are a race of more human-looking people (a lost colony?) within the structure, all benignly pleasant and welcoming, and certainly none of them particularly put out by the girl’s situation. She too is quite resigned, a mouth-breather amongst mouth-breathers. We meet the father! He is fucking Robert Pattinson, with a dopey smile and his hair blown into neko ears. 
When I don’t sparkle, I nyan Alicia and Rob had a banal teenaged relationship which fizzled, though she had initially given him permission to sire her child. He ran with it even though they broke up, the jerk! But how did he manage -- ! OUR HEROES GET THE TOUR of the lab-segment of the warehouse and there are science-centre style vertical-plexiglass displays, worn and chipped with age, exhibiting unseen biological differences and providing directives to the population. They stand in columnar procession like sko ten commandments, and judging by the decreptitude of the rest of the colony, all the technology and information appears to have been left by the colony originators. One revelation is that brains have been rerouted to the feet, and everyone is required to wear elaborate rigid boots for protection. This also explains why everyone appears to be fucking stupid. More relevant to our girl’s situation is that reproduction has been outsourced, as well as customized. With granted access to specific female DNA, all the father has to do is visit the jerking table and pop off a sample (during the tour it is indicated that it is not polite to watch those gentlemen at the table dreamily tugging it), then use a terminal to create the biological features of the child within the confines of the parents’ DNA in what looks like an elaborate character generator. The crisis: non-human-appearing children do not fare well in society! And Rob has created a child – we see now that the child IS the action figure in the packaging, which in infant form looks like a kangaroo rat inexplicably wearing a vest – that has catlike features. Suddenly I am Dr. Beverly Crusher and I am having a heart to heart with this idealistic young man and telling him in great earnestness that non-human appearing children have [low]% success at reproduction and only get [terrifying low]%... soil. This chills him and he regrets everything! Being a dirty old redhead lady who has been a widow too long, I also manage to determine that yes, everyone on this planet is a virgin and doesn’t even know what fucking is. Also, the colony originators seemed to think that the cock slider on the offspring customizer should range between small (7”) and large (11”). Infuriatingly, the dream changes scenes before Crusher schools the neko otaku in the ways of pussy. Kirk is now Kirking everyone, holding forth in the midst of the population about how this race is so different now from its forebears that it should release the prejudiced holds on human appearance and embrace its alien nature! Be anything you want to be! Don’t dream it, be it! Everyone is smiling because they don’t get the Rocky Horror reference. They decide to all be weird from now on! Back on the NCC-1701 Enterprise, in that episode ending scene where all the characters banter, Beverly admits to totally trying on that kid. She uses some vague doctor talk to tip everyone off that the planet is full of massive cocks. Chekov confirms her findings. Fade to black on Spock and Kirk raising eyebrows and smirking! 
Russians inwented buttsex ~ fin ~ |
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