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by OMM 03/08/2011, 7:11am PST |
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nd sticking her in a padded cell wrote:
Seriously though, what's so interesting about the whole Alice thing? I always found the whole story rather stupid, uhh some.. lolcat? Playing cards? Yes, I know it's symbolism, probably very shocking back in the bronze age. But why all the new versions and games and Johnny Depp movies and shit that so desperately try to tell us how fucking hardcore Alice is? "Yeah man, this Alice shit is some really dark shit that your dumb, fat ass cannot HANDLE. Just look at these motherfucking... CHESS PIECES BOOOOOO!!!! Scared the shit right outta your faggot ass, didn't it? But you haven't seen anything yet, mortal. HERE'S A TEAPARTY OOOOOO!!!! Just go fucking hang yourself now, you're traumatized for LIFE."
OMM:
The problem with making a dark and disturbing version of Alice in Wonderland is that it's pretty dark and disturbing to begin with, which gives it little training wheels that help cultural firebrands ride it into geniusdom once every eighteen months or so. Masterminding a trippy reinterpretation of Lewis Carroll is like making a version of Crazy Traxi, only crazy! At this point, about the edgiest thing you could do with Alice in Wonderland is try to make it a little less fucking insane.
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They hired a professional Anthony Hopkins impersonator to deliver all of the Cheshire Cat's fake-o profound lines. His dialogue sounds like Hannibal Lecter reading aloud to everyone from the secret diary you wrote when you were thirteen, which is actually the most terrifiying concept in the game. The music is by someone who - according to the manual - knows Trent Reznor.
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What have we learned from Alice? Well, squirting a little blood on a game doesn't make it very edgy or dark, because 90% of games are already about massacring either people or deer. After fifteen years spent in the human killing simulator, I'm thoroughly desensitized to rage against chess pieces. If you're going to appropriate something from Earthworm Jim, make it Professor Monkey For A Head for chrissake. And if your goal is to make a crazy game, don't blow all the craziness on tilting the doorframes at quite frankly insane angles. Save a little crazy for the gameplay. Lastly, American McGee can brood on his own goddamn time. I just gave you forty dollars, McGee, now dance for me sad clown.
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On the other hand, the games themselves have sort of failed to live up to their fearsome reputations. This trend reached its murky nadir at the end of last year with the release of American McGee's Alice. Just as nothing says "class" like buying a product or service from a business called "Touch of Class", nothing says "crazy" like asymmetrical doorframes. In spite of this, McGee's attempts to shock and outrage your grandparents were superficial at best. Let's face it, in at least one of our three or four wars against Orientals, your grandpa stood astride the body of a yellow soldier he'd just killed, ripped the woman's heart out for a trophy, and then stared directly into the sun while screaming. So he's going to be pretty unmoved by a lopsided door, even one with a little blood smeared on it. In fact, this was the year that the phrase "American McGee's" entered the lexicon as a pejorative term for edginess presented so conventionally that even the Pope sighs and rolls his eyes. For instance, if a friend tells you that David Fincher has announced he's going to make a movie with Bruce Willis, you can sneer at him, "oh great, American McGee's Die Hard" and he'll know just where you stand on that whole thing. |
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