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by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/14/2011, 4:39pm PDT |
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There's a bit, early on in Duke, where a character makes the same speech as Christian Bale, in the audio recording "We Are Fucking Done, Professionally." It's awkward because it happened so long ago. But let's say that the reference was to lulzsecurity taking down Minecraft. Let's say the reference was put in the game, and then four days after it shipped, Scott Miller called that phone number for dial-a-lulz, whispered, "MINECRAFT" into the voicemail, and it actually got DDoSed. Thus making the reference super-timely. In six months, when Steam offers it for five bucks, it was still gonna be awkward again.
I know Gearbox just wanted to get the fucking thing out the door. I am most excited about a fifth Duke game, because I think it's a marvelous IP that makes all the right people angry. But I wish they had someone understand that some shit that everyone was going to see just wasn't working. We don't need newer references, we need -- if you are determined to do this -- older ones. If that guy behind the talk show stage was talking an enormous amount of shit about Hexen, Turok, William Shatner's TekWar and Tribes, then you now have nostalgia, which isn't necessarily funny, but at least works on some level. Nobody at GearBox cares, and everyone who was left at 3D Realms cared too much and can't make jokes.
The game is a mess, which is different than saying it isn't fun. You don't start a game off by having the protagonist pissing. That's just fucking retarded. You put your character in the spot he would least like to be if you're making the sequel to Duke Nukem Forever, and that's both the fault of 3D Realms for not understanding basic storytelling, and Gearbox for throwing their hands up. You certainly don't make the lead-in quote -- the one about kicking ass and chewing bubblegum -- something stolen from a movie. Start us with Duke in a hot tub with ten other guys and ask him to shoot their dicks off. Drop him out of an airplane and hope the player finds the jetpack button. Show him a guy with horn-rimmed glasses carefully moving crates from location to location and le-- look, I'm just saying, you don't start your guy off doing the one thing that most literature, novels and film completely leave out and ignore.
Most game reviewers are simply trying to get a job making games worse than the ones they are reviewing for a game company. They'd give life on Mars a 7 out of 10 if it meant they could leverage it into a junior design gig for Rockstar. Acting as worthless as possible, they suck as much cock as possible 364 days of the year, only deigning to rip the schlong out and get "tough" when faced with a closed developer like 3D Realms. Herp derp, the floodgates are now open. No time for fucking around here, the full range from 1 to 100 is now in play. What a bunch of transparent cunts. It would have been more useful if they stuck to their scale and gave DNF a 6.6 or something so I could actually gauge what they think, even though I hate whatever they do think. Every DNF review I've read has been just as awful and tedious as the opening bits to the game itself. Reviewers in 2011 don't have to regularly employ sarcasm or vitriol because you don't need those things to suck a nice, thick, juicy dick, and everyone who got their review posted on this game as soon as possible show how their writing chops have withered and wasted away.
I haven't played enough of this game to form a complete opinion on it yet. It isn't a great game, that's for sure. I've seen a lot of awful writing that savages the weapon limit, which I understand comes from WW2 and "realistic" shooting games. I've never seen a review take issue with weapon limits before, so I guess it's just the manner in which DNF just maxes out at two. Who knows. They hate the mini-games, as well, but I'm navigating some awful lair in the opening and there's a pinball machine that works completely, this is somehow a problem. I don't know how. It was cool when GTA3 included the "Crazy Taxi" series as a bullet point on a box. I guess it's not cool any more because Duke fucked some twins, but in a PG way.
Whatever its faults, Duke Nukem Forever has done the best job possible shining a light on the fucking roaches that somehow make a living telling everyone else, in the most childish ways possible, what they should think of video games. Seeing how this same coagulation of losers picked the game apart for over a decade for ... well, nobody's sure why exactly -- Broussard never said he'd make you his bitch, Miller didn't put his name in the title and steal from Lewis Carroll ... but seeing how this game was savaged by game reviewing cunts for years, it has managed to frame them perfectly. It may not give you a weapon for the first 20 minutes, but it does, at least, do that.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey! |
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I got some Duke. LET'S GO BROUSSARD! NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/13/2011, 11:09am PDT 
Re: I got some Duke. LET'S GO BROUSSARD! by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/14/2011, 4:39pm PDT 
The entire intro reminded me of your Postal 2 review, minus the interactivity NT by WITTGENSTEIN 06/14/2011, 4:47pm PDT 
Re: I got some Duke. LET'S GO BROUSSARD! by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/03/2013, 12:38am PST 
This is the most positive review I've read of the game so far. NT by Flack 06/14/2011, 5:35pm PDT 
Re: This is the most positive review I've read of the game so far. by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/14/2011, 10:57pm PDT 
Re: This is the most positive review I've read of the game so far. by Jason Scott 06/14/2011, 11:46pm PDT 
Sarah Palin died? NT by Flack 06/15/2011, 2:29am PDT 
Well, Twitter is a loaded gun. by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/15/2011, 2:28pm PDT 
More on the Palin death story plz, Woodstein by laudablepuss 06/15/2011, 2:52pm PDT 
Twitter is serious business. Redner should respect deez nuts. NT by Orange Devil Bat 06/15/2011, 7:36pm PDT 
Re: Well, Twitter is a loaded gun. by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/24/2020, 10:57pm PDT 
http://www.wired.com/underwire/2011/06/alt-text-duke-nukem-pr/ by Wired 06/24/2011, 12:21pm PDT 
Start to Ocarina of Time: 13 Paragraphs NT by Objective VG Review Review Scale 06/25/2011, 12:42am PDT 
Here come the people trying to "fix" Duke by Souffle of Pain 02/03/2014, 6:47am PST 
Did this guy play the Shadow Warrior remake? Without the humor, there just NT by wasn't a game. --Retro 02/03/2014, 11:05am PST 
I'm sick and tired of the antics of a franchise's first release since 1996 NT by fabio 02/03/2014, 5:47pm PST 
Prone to mid-day spasms of anger, veins bulging on franchise that isn't his NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 02/03/2014, 6:52pm PST 
The story can be whatever they want, as long as they make it a top-down ARPG NT by with XP and tech trees. 02/05/2014, 5:24pm PST 
Maybe Gearbox is going to share their random loot generator with these guys? by Jerry Whorebach 02/05/2014, 6:01pm PST 
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