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| Holy fuck this was awful by fabio 12/26/2014, 12:04pm PST | ||||
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| Donalf Kaufman strikes again! Someone looked up from their screenwriting 101 book, saw District 9, announced I CAN DO THAT and fired up their pirated copy of Final Draft. *
Fury:Saving Private Ryan::Elysium:District 9 I didn't think it was possible for a movie to have a more heavy handed immigration message than Children of Men, but here it is! I'm in favor of universal healthcare but even I thought this was terrible. For all the gritty grit this movie shows in a desperate attempt to convince you it's for adults, the rich/poor dichotomy is almost Snowpiercer or Hunger Games levels of ridiculous. The rich people on the space station are withholding their magical "cure anything" beds from the people on Earth because...? They couldn't even spare one for all of Los Angeles? Maybe they don't have enough or it would strain resources too much? Nope! Tons of giant ships with dozens of magic beds each land on Earth at the end to magically heal everyone for free (but only in L.A., the only city that matters. -Hollywood). Why did the space station even have giant medical ships if they forbid magic bed healing on anyone who wasn't a citizen of the space station? Uhh uhh, shut up, Charles! It's called a "da-noo-ment." (that's not how it's pronounced) A billionaire factory owner who's a clone of JK Roberts from Timechasers but even more cartoonishly evil! "Get this dying factory worker off of the factory infirmary table before he gets it dirty! MWA HA HA HA!" Sure, you could make your crappy District 9 knockoff's similarities just end at exploited desert slums in a sci-fi setting, but Donald Kaufman has never been about taking the easy way to hackdom! The climax must also be about a dropship going up to the mothership! The villains must be South African mercenaries again for no fucking reason whatsoever! Shit, get the same fucking actor! The guy who played scrawny bureaucrat Wikus would be totally believable in a Dolph Lungren role! Fuck this movie * What's that? Oh shit! The same writer, director, AND studio as District 9? What, did Tristar sit down and tell the guy, "Good job, but now we need to make the exact same movie again, but with big stars and five times the budget so that it can go on to make one-third the profit." Then, panic set in. What if your tale about segregated, crushing poverty portrayed by people scavenging through trash piles is just TOO SMART for middle America and foreigners? Why, that's when you call screenwriting author Blake Snyder to punch up the script. The guy wrote Stop! Or my Mom Will Shoot!, Blank Check, and NOTHING else! He's got to know what he's talking about! |
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