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| thoughts one year later (long, rambling, awful) by laudablepuss 12/24/2020, 12:22am PST | ||||
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| Last year, we had gotten everything ready for Christmas ahead of schedule. I'd gotten a bonus and things were looking pretty positive for 2020 money-wise, so we went ahead and got engagement and wedding rings ordered. All the gifts for other folks were bought, and it got to a point where we were just waiting for Christmas to get here already. Also we were both getting sick. Christmas really shoulda arrived a week earlier. :(
Mandy's kidney doctor, a couple weeks before, had said that she was in danger of being in keto acidosis again. She had been a little inconsistent with her meds, and she promised to fix that. But the doctor said that would only get her partway there. I should have asked, should we go to the hospital, then? This visit bothers me. Why did we just go home at this point? She had had a condition called costochondritis back on 2013, a few months after we first met. Now in December of 2019, it seemed to have come back, but this time a little to one side so it felt to her like she'd broken a rib. OBVIOUSLY she hadn't. But it hurt so badly. She was very sensitive to pain sometimes. We had about $75 left -- we'd overspent a little bit -- so I was hesitant to get the marijuana edibles she usually used to manage her pain issues. She was always in pain, basically, even without the costochondritis. Also, $50 of edibles only lasted two days for her. It was difficult to keep her feeling ok. I feel now that I shoulda just got the edibles. Strangely, she didn't ask to get some either, though. On Christmas eve, then as now, my company had us work a half day. So I went to work and lo and behold there were some fires to put out. Ffff whatever. So I was a little late leaving. I assured her as soon as I got home we'd go to the urgent care and have em look at her rib. Her last IM to me was "I'm not well." It was difficult finding an urgent care with an x-ray that was operational on Christmas Eve. We drove all around, lost, for a little while. Google Maps had the wrong address. But we persevered and got there in time for them to take a look. Having someone take an x-ray and show that the rib was fine, that it really was costochondritis -- that was how I showed her I took her health seriously and that I loved her. So we did that. If instead I had remembered her impending keto acidosis, or if while we were lost I'd just suggested, "fuck it, let's go to the ER", she wouldn't have died. It would have been that easy. Because she would have been admitted, no question, and they'd have administered the pain meds incidentally while getting her diabetes back under control. But here's the key: we were trying to not have to go the hospital. It's so stupid, but we felt like we should try to take care of things. Also, the Christmas Eve party! Like that was fucking important? It was all so insane. After going over the x-rays with us, the doctor left us alone in the little room while she went to write a pain med prescription. Now, I KNEW that I should go out and privately tell the Dr, "hey give her tramadol, ok?", just to make sure. Because I KNEW that she had a tendency to abuse opioid pain meds. This was actually in my mind at the time. Why didn't I do that? Also, she never allowed me to manage her pain meds. Even though she was a CNA, she was the worst patient sometimes. The doctor came back with a percocet prescription and said, "be sure you don't take any tylenol while you're taking these." We went and got it filled, then headed home to get ready for our Christmas Eve party at my brother's house. She was dressed in a hilarious elf costume, and I had a very silly sweater on also. She loved to be silly. We were both pretty pleased with how the day had gone. I was very hopeful that things were going to work out fine. Looking at our pictures from before we headed out, our house was a terrible mess. But I had plans for that too, and I was already working on it. Christmas day, she said she didn't want to go to my family get-together and open gifts and whatever. But we did our little gift-giving thing, and she opened her new laptop that I'd gotten her. "NO WAY" she said :) Every year I tried to get her one major gift, and maybe she thought the rings were it. Pshaw. Anyway, she wanted to stay home and rest, and so I went off alone. Not unusual, she often skipped family stuff. But I should have stayed with her. I texted a number of times while I was out. "Hey I arrived safely." "so and so says hi." She never replied to any of them. So I ended up leaving early, because her silence made me uneasy. I got home and she was in bed, seemingly okay. That was the last time I'd ever feel relief at seeing her okay. We talked and I showed her the new laptop and got her logged in and stuff. Then she said we should look at it more tomorrow because, "I don't feel right." I didn't even ask what she meant. What the hell was wrong with me? I was just on autopilot, hoping she'd feel better. I wasn't taking this seriously enough. Last year, Christmas was on a Wednesday, so I was planning to go to work on Thursday, although I was pretty sick. That morning, she made a terrible yell -- not super unusual because the rib pain had been so bad. But she had meds now, and this sounded different. I said, "should we go to the hospital?" and she said "yes." But I was feeling terrible. I couldn't get up! I said, "give me another hour here." I was so dehydrated and weak. But she was even throwing up the water she was trying to drink. So I got my ass up and got her going. But she was deteriorating fast. We got downstairs but she didn't have pants! I said, ok, stay here, I'll go back up. I was on the couch and needed to rest a minute. But she got up and started heading back upstairs! HONEY! So I went up and tried to get her going again. She fell down with another yell in the bathroom and I helped her to the hallway, the landing at the top of the stairs. "I can't. I can't. I can't" she kept saying. When she's in keto acidosis, she gets really foggy and can't communicate properly anymore. I said, we need to get to the car. I said, "look! This is to save your life!" At that she became really quiet. Did she suspect that she'd overdosed? I dunno. But even then I couldn't get her to the car, so I had to call 911. That's as far as we need to go on that story. But you see how many opportunities I had to save her and I didn't. This is what's haunted me all year. I know she'd be angry at me for letting her die. She counted on me! I was always there for her until I wasn't. Missing her horribly isn't any compensation. She didn't deserve to die. She only deserved good things. My magical thoughts are: send me back to Christmas Eve! It's so easy to fix this. Or, with my new apartment, set up still as if she might come home at any minute -- what if she did? Or the most vivid image of her, like a waking dream, of her standing at her grave, fresh snow all around, with her 1930s style winter hat and her heavy coat that she loved so much, purple scarf and gloves, holding a flower and watching me drive away after visiting her. I did pay off the plot next to hers a couple weeks ago, so that's where I'll be when the time comes. I haven't gotten a monument for her yet but I'm on that next. Does it bear mentioning that I'm not celebrating or doing anything at all this year? Anyway, thanks for reading if you managed to get through all that BS. |
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