Caltrops - Dead Trees - Film is made from trees, right?

Forum Overview :: Dead Trees

by Ray, of Light 01/02/2003, 4:03am PST

Some of you will recall a post about tampax.com, written by me while passing time in the hinterlands. Fate has delivered me here once more, and I'm having as much fun as possible on Central Time, which is to say I've been surfing the fuck out of the web and watching movies. Here's a recap:

Undisputed: this is a big-budget film that I've never heard of. You can catch it in the room of any fine hotel for the low, low price of $13.99. It features actors Ving Rhames and Blade as ~~Mike Tyson~~ some boxer and ~~mini-Mike Tyson~~ some other boxer. Michael Rooker reprises his familiar "plausible-but-inconsequential badass" character.

They've all wound up in the same prison, whose radical take on rehabilitation includes steel-cage prize fights between prisoners. In order to end the movie, they must fight. Both Snipes and Rhames want the movie to go on forever (understandably enough) but aging gangster and boxing enthusiast Peter Falk gets them to finish it, by offering Rhames an early release (Falk's powers don't allow him to release himself) and Snipes a bunch of money (he's in for life but knows someone who needs money). They agree, and the pre-credits showdown is on.

It would be cool if Snipes was wrongly imprisoned and then, somehow, won his freedom by winning the fight, but that might appear contrived.

To whatever degree you enjoy punching, you'll like this movie.

Gangs of New York: I saw this for $5.25 at a theatre. The movie opens with a shot of me, in the concession line because I arrived late. In this scene, we learn that a nachos and Pepsi combo costs six dollars. There is a confusing cut to a street fight, and many people are killed. Among them: Liam Neeson, a character we care about because he kicked so much ass in Rob Roy. His son vows to, one day, grow into Leonardo DiCaprio and exact revenge.

In the next scene, he's halfway there. There's time for one of those "here are the players" narratives, wherein Elliot from E.T. points out a representative from each gang (of New York!). We meet the Squatters, the Jimjams, the Mumblety-boos, the Griswolds, and the Crankies. Each has a distinctive costume, but Scorsese's omission of a gang of mimes is glaring and inexcusable. Once met, none of these is spoken of again.

Around this time, Cameron Diaz's turtledove character appears. I'd tell you what a "turtledove" is, but the voiceover explaining it was so gay that I slipped into a coma. Anyway, she's damaged goods with a heart of gold.

The remaining two hours thirty is sepia-toned renditions of riffs you've seen before: the mysterious outsider catches the boss's eye; the vengeful protagonist questions his mission; the guy who's crossed over to the enemy crosses back and is killed for his trouble; Cameron Diaz plays hard-to-get before revealing her inner total slut.

Daniel-Day-Lewis gives a great performance as an old-timey ninja, but his character is so strong and principled that we forget he's the villain. Leonardo is undisciplined and amoral and chances are we wouldn't root for him if we hadn't seen Rob Roy. There's something to be said for blurring the good-guy/bad-guy lines, and that something is: "if your story is about long-delayed vengeance, don't."

In the end, it's three hours of good footage that somehow doesn't add up to a good movie. I give this movie a rating of: WTF?

Catch Me if You Can: Leonardo again, this time as a flim-flam artist. Christopher Walken is his dad. Tom Hanks is a fat FBI agent. It's DiCaprio's insolent genius versus Hanks's dilligent incompetent, with predictable yet entertaining results. The comic relief is one monotonous gag -- that smart people will swallow any nonsense if there's a uniform involved -- but even that manages to be charming and funny. Also: Christopher Walken.

I don't recall how much it cost to see this movie.

hugs,
Ray!