 |
||
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| The Cult of Mother God: Caltrops needs to start a cult by Rafiki 01/22/2024, 12:08pm PST | ||||
 |
 |
|||
| I watched a documentary on HBO about the Love Has Won cult and we should start a cult.
After suffering through a childhood divorce, abuse, and a string of abusive relationships in which she had 3 children from 3 different fathers, Amy Carlson abandoned her children and her life to go live with a toothless old prospector who called himself Father God and start a cult founded on some idealized New Age vision of love she never had. Through this living Looney Tunes caricature of the Hatfields and McCoys, she began her transformation into Mother God and ascended to her first level of enlightenment: Pretty Girl Who Doesn't Want to Work for a Living. She started putting out Youtube videos and in general, and eventually attracted a couple of younger, cuter sadboys with no direction in life who accepted her invitation to come live with her in the desperate hope they'd get to bang a young hot chick they met on the internet. She became their dream come true when she definitely fucked both of them, even though one of them swore he totally wasn't EVEN attracted to her, like, she's not even his type (hot, young, hot, down to fuck), even though he flew across the country and drove 5 hours in the middle of the night to see her. Their combined incomes inspired her to ditch the ugly old man, and she continued creating Youtube videos and eventually attracted several women (some hot, some not) and a few men (none hot) as devoted followers. They bought a big cabin in the woods and moved in together, and there Mother God ascended into her second level of enlightenment: College Dorm Room Hippie. She sat around all day ripping bongs and doing mushrooms 24/7, browsing Amazon for tacky jewelry, blaring music, all the while she and mostly her followers made videos soliciting donations. Inexplicably, they collected thousands and thousands of dollars in donations. She eventually attracted a few more followers to come live with her and one meth head. She proclaimed the meth head Final Father God and his healing guidance enabled her to ascend to her ultimate form: Alcoholic Trailer Trash. As Alcoholic Trailer Trash, she laid around in a drunken stupor all day, verbally abused everyone around her, and chastised them for spiritual transgressions like fixing her, "the worst quesadilla in all of creation." She kept drinking and acting like an asshole until her liver shut down, her legs went numb, and she eventually died of alcoholism and colloidal silver. Her followers carted her withering blue corpse around for 2 weeks until the cult accountant stole all of their money and called the cops. It was the moment that the documentary announced that the accountant stole $330,000 + property and other assets that I had a spiritual epiphany: working is for suckers and Caltrops should start a cult. Based on the Love Has Won cult, Q-Anon, fervent Trump support, it doesn't even have to be a GOOD cult. Love Has Won had maybe a couple thousand followers tops and over a 10 to 12-year period they likely collected over a million dollars from donations and selling cheap merchandise, snake oil, and false hope. We could totally do that. We can workshop the details, but Jonsey's got his Nicest Man in the World thing going so it makes sense that he could be the spiritual leader. The other things we need are a donation portal, merchandise, "medicine," and a social media following. The most important item is the social media following. The content of the message doesn't seem to matter. The key seems to be consistency and frequency of messaging. New videos every day or most days of the week and just insisting that everything we say is good and true. As long as you repeat, "I am literally god," enough times in between talking about love and ancient aliens or ghosts or some shit, enough people will eventually believe it that we can afford to quit our jobs. Seriously. Amy Carlson claimed she was being advised by the ghosts of Robin Williams and Tupac and she successfully started a fucking cult! We've all played enough video games, read enough comic books, and watched enough movies that we could take our collective knowledge of fantasy and sci-fi to weave together some bullshit mysticism for people to latch onto. We'll need some pretty people to be the "face" of Caltrops, though. I don't know about you, but the only way my face could separate fools from their money is if it were menacing them from under a bridge so we might have to hire some people if the rest of you are better suited to scaring German kids at Christmas. Donations are easy: start a Patreon. So is merchandise: open a Cafe Press store. Last up is medicine. All the good bullshit artists hawk phony medicine. Nootropics, vague performance enhancing pills and powders, etc. If you're like me and not comfortable selling colloidal silver, sugar pills, or other garbage that might actually hurt people or do nothing, we could buy multivitamins in bulk and repackage them with an obscene markup as something like Mind Enhancing and Reality Augmenting Capsules. Maybe start a plan to get people into regular exercise. You can't go direct, like commanding people to do push-ups, they'll see right through it. Maybe Jonsey could use his design chops and create real-life adventure game puzzles that trick people into exercising in order to solve them. We may not cure the terminally ill, but we could be the first cult to actually improve peoples' health and fitness. Don't worry about the legal ramifications or public backlash. All of the cult members had any criminal charges dropped, and the HBO documentary had a peculiarly light touch, leaving out mentions of torture, abuse, child abuse, or that there were even any children around the cult at all. Play our cards right, and worst case scenario we make a lot of money and become a forgettable public spectacle. You're in, right? You're in. You're in. To be purple is to love. You're in. |
||||
 |
 |
|||
|
The Cult of Mother God: Caltrops needs to start a cult by 01/22/2024, 12:08pm PST  Purple is love NT by 01/22/2024, 12:22pm PST The real hack is to proclaim placebos are sacred & openly sell sugar pills. NT by 01/22/2024, 1:05pm PST To be purple is to love. NT by 01/22/2024, 4:11pm PST Re: The Cult of Mother God: Caltrops needs to start a cult by 02/09/2024, 6:29am PST A lovely idea, my child. Go in Purple. NT by 03/07/2024, 5:14pm PST |
