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| I LAKD TO DRAW ME KOMIK BUKS by Bill Dungsroman 02/10/2003, 1:03pm PST | ||||
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| What was I, 11 or 12? Me and my pal decided YEAH LETS MAKE OUR OWN COMIC BOOKS so we did. But not just one apiece, no we had to launch a WHOLE LINE as if we could even handle one. Mine was called Heron Comics. Which is, as you probably all know, a stupid-looking bird. But it's also Helium Rotor Observation of Neutrinos. My logo, however, was indeed a stupid bird that bore a passing resemblance to the thing. But it had the word "Hero" in it, so that was OKEE with me. Would a splinter-psyche of the caltrops hive-mind, the mind that brought you "Gamerasutra," do any less (er, more)? I think not.
Need I mention at this point my artistic skills were practically nonexistant? Imagine Ted Rall decided to draw comic books. My choice of media: wide-ruled note paper, so all my panels had little blue lines running through them. Pencil drawings colored with ink marker pens. And no, I didn't even ink over the drawing lines with a black marker. Why bother? Anyway, here's a list of my affronts to the medium: Futura World. Clever, no? And I came up with it 20 years ago. Matt Groening owes me royalties. In a world...where some group of evil guys, more powerful and organized, fights to quell a smaller but feistier group of Reb^H^H^H^HFreedom Fighters. The main bad guy was called The Destroyer, his #1 henchman was...The Destructor. Destroyer wore a green shirt and a large helmet that looked like a viking helmet 30 sizes too big with little eyeholes in it. Destructor was a robot. Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still had more detail. Destroyer's troops were called Dog Soldiers, a direct ripoff of the Micronauts comic book. They had a group of mercenaries to help, The Underlings, composed of Blade (I came up with that one first too! He could turn his hands and feet into blades), Armory (he had a lot of weapons), The Trapster (he, uh...made traps?), a ninja named Tsunami, another poorly-drawn robot who's name escapes me, and some other dudes. The good guys were called The Untouchables, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. They had gook names but were white dudes, the leader was called Jel-San for no apparent reason. They all wore light blue shirts and dark blue pants, because I had those markers. Anyway, the real star of the comic was Frank Hunter, a space dude dressed in blue and red (with some stupid helmet, as well. I don't know what my deal was with helmets. He also had a cybernetically-enhanced left hand. Again, no idea why) with no real occupation who crashlands on Futura World in the midst of a battle between the two forces. Who cares? The only actual comic book I ever wrote was issue #1 of Futura World. It sucked. Lion Force. Lion Force was a group of Vietnam vet mercs who took all the jobs that nobody wanted, or something. They must have advertised in Soldier of Fortune, since I have no idea how they got their missions. Anyway, the creative genius I was, I basically chose five G.I. Joes at random and used them as models. The leader was Jack Savage (Duke), Jon Ajaro (Snake Eyes, of course) the ninja, Lamar Washington (could I give him a more stereotypical name? He was Roadblock) the heavy weapons dude, Sara something (Lady Jaye) the chick with no real reason to exist except as a chance for me to try to draw boobies - I think she was the pilot, Fred something (Mutt the Dog Handler. No, really) the weapons expert, and...uhh...The Artful Dodger (the sniper guy) the sniper. LOOK I WAS ELEVEN OKAY? I drew the first couple pages of this, the part that took place in Vietnam. I was digging Vietnam about this time, since Platoon was out. Later, I revised the plot of this book to be cops in the near-future. Whatever. SEC Troopers. The Space Elite Command is a team of space marines that fight insectoid aliens. Did I mention that Aliens had just come out? I loved that film, I knew the names of every marine from the film. Hicks Apone Weirzbowski Frost Deitrich Crow Drake Vasquez Hudson Gorman Spunkmeyer (oh no! I think I forgot one). Oh, they also fought skinny humanoid dudes too, since I'd just read Starship Troopers. Either way, the ripoff of the Colonial Marines in Aliens was bald-faced. I used Transformers laser guns as models for their guns. Boring and entirely unimaginitive. I never drew a page of this comic, just made up a team of about a dozen or so dudes. The Hellraisers. Imagine a team of (sigh) Vietnam vets who were government-sanctioned, I think. Col. Hellraiser was the leader, and he had a bunch of dudes who were mostly recognized by the guns they used. How stunningly original. I liked to draw guns. There was about 20 dudes. NATURALLY ONE WAS A NINJA. I drew almost all of the first page of this comic, them wading through some swamp, in Vietnam, I imagine. Galaxy Force. I suck. This was a team of highly-improbable dudes who went around and did... something, I guess. Wait until you hear this ragtag group, I don't know what type of airplane glue I has huffing to dream up this nonsense. The leader was a midget who, in his first draft, looked exactly like a Santa's elf with a curved knife. His name was Shrimpy. I heavily revised him later, to a short-but-not-midget with a staff. There was a big black dude who was a genius inventor, I forget his name. They all rode around in a car he built that could turn into a space ship, a boat, etc. There was a dude named Bola, {Alan Rickman voice}guess what weapon he had?{/Alan Rickman voice} And another dude of indeterminate skill named Baron Zemo, who was a bad guy in the Captain America comics. In my comic, though, he looked like Zorro. I think he was rich THATS WHY HE WAS A BARON. I added a female character later, but I don't rmebmebr (NOTE: intentionally left mispelled because it came out so bad when I typed it) a damn thing about her. Didn't draw one page of this comic either, thank God. Section Nine. My little play on phrases thanks to my love of MASH. This was a team of people mysteriously given super-powers, captured and trained by the government. Remember Marvel's New Universe line? D.P. 7? Direct ripoff. There was a dude who used to be a weak little fella but got humongous and strong (could that be any more transparant?), a dude named Mistmaster who could generate some mist fog something from his pores, a dude who could make these weird spikes pop out of his body (NOT like wolverine), a dude who could make anything small enough to fit in his hand fire out as fast as a bullet. Sure I named him Bullet. Two chicks, I can't remember what they did, I think one had mental powers like Jean Grey, I guess. Maybe one could shrink, like the Wasp? Maybe. She romanced me^H^H^H^Hthe strong character. A guy who could fly real fast - maybe his name was Bullet? There were some others, but I forget. I think they ended up fighting evil aliens, since I loved Strikeforce:Morituri so much. BDR |
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