Some Fag wrote:


NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – If you’re a fan of a football team on which Chad Hutchinson and Quincy Carter are battling for the starting quarterback job, begin drinking immediately and heavily. To make matters worse, in his book The Final Season: My Last Year as Head Coach in the NFL (2000), 61-year-old Bill Parcells stated that “I don’t intend to be coaching when I’m 60.” So there’s a good chance he’ll just be standing there on the sidelines, staring off into space most days.

New York Giants – Ever the motivator, Giants coach Jim Fassel spent a large part of the offseason honing his emotional manipulation techniques. He reportedly took acting classes to learn how to look really sad and cry on demand, as well as spending some time with U.S. Special Ops forces in case his team’s performance warrants taking a hostage. “It’s like a game now,” said a team source. “We play crappy, he pulls out the cheap theatrics, we play better. It’s like dinner theater on steroids.”

Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles leave behind Veterans Stadium, famous for severing the ligaments of players’ knees, and move to Lincoln Financial Field, a stadium named for a president that was shot in the head. “The City of Brotherly Love”? How about “The City of Wrenching Pain”?

Washington Redskins – Pressed for comment on the Redskins’ signing of four Jets in the offseason, a team official quipped, “We have one scout. He was supposed to be scouring the country for talent, but I’ve got 6,435 receipts for room service and cable porn that indicate he never left New York City. He apparently managed to make it to a few Jets games, though.”

NFC North

Chicago Bears – The Bears requested that the Green Bay Packers be their opponent in the first game at the newly renovated Soldier Field, despite the fact that the Packers have taken 16 of the last 18 from the Bears. Keep in mind, though, that the Bears also requested that Kordell Stewart be their quarterback and throw inexplicable, momentum-killing interceptions, so perhaps decision making is not the organization’s strong suit.

Detroit Lions – The Lions are winless away from home over the last two seasons. Hmmm, a Ford product that's just awful when you take it on the road. Well, that joke just wrote itself, now didn’t it? In an unrelated matter, I was recently surfing the Lions’ official site, where I learned that the team’s first head coach was named Potsy Clark. Wow. Brutal.

Green Bay Packers – When 7,123 people show up to watch the Packers’ offense play the Packers’ defense in a charity softball game, you’ve got to ask yourself, “How boring is Wisconsin, anyway?” In a football-related matter, the Packers reportedly sent a memo to fellow NFC North division members asking if they could be declared division champions now because, according to the memo, “…the rest of you guys suck pretty bad, and there’s really no point in anyone getting hurt.”

Minnesota Vikings – Team officials have reportedly insisted that head coach Mike Tice drop the “Randy Ratio” (the number of times the ball is thrown to Randy Moss) in favor of a “Win Some Damn Games Ratio.” The same officials also strongly suggested a “Be Prepared to Make a Draft Selection When It’s Our Turn Ratio” for next year’s draft.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons got very little work done at their offseason mini-camps when large numbers of players threw up upon seeing the team’s new uniforms. On a related note, the Canadian Football League accidentally included the Falcons in their season schedule, confusing the new-look team for one of its own. In another related matter, the XFL has sued the Falcons, claiming that the defunct league holds intellectual property rights to “ugly-assed uniforms.” I’ll stop now. This could go on all day.

Carolina Panthers – On the team’s official website, there’s a recurring interview item with coach John Fox called “From the Foxhole.” I cannot tell you how much I wish his name were John Ass right now. Sadly, the bland-beyond-belief Panthers really don’t inspire any other comments.

New Orleans Saints – In perhaps the strangest move of the offseason, the entire Saints organization has converted to the ancient Mayan calendar to eliminate the possibility of ever having to play another game in the month of December. Commenting on media questions about the team’s second consecutive late-season collapse, a Saints official reportedly said, “What, like winnings games at the end of the year is the most important thing in the world? You guys are freakin’ idiots.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – While there’s nothing funny about ramming a car carrying your wife, your son, and your babysitter, Bucs running back Michael Pittman seems to have inadvertently given new meaning to the phrase “banging two women at the same time.” The Bucs won’t repeat as champs, mostly because nobody does but also because they don’t seem to be handling success all that well.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – In an unheralded move this offseason, the Cardinals petitioned league owners to expand the playoffs to include 28 teams, claiming that Cardinals players and coaches had the right to “walk the streets without people throwing bottles at them for never being able to make the playoffs.” Sadly, the petition was denied.

St. Louis Rams – Don’t be alarmed by the Rams’ chemistry-destroying signings of former Ram-basher Kyle Turley and safety Jason Sehorn, of whom coach Mike Martz once said, “I wish we could play Jason Sehorn every week. We’d run by his ass all the time.” Word out of St. Louis is that it could’ve been much worse. “Mad Scientist” Martz apparently seriously considered filling out half his roster with Islamic fundamentalists and the other half with Nazis “just to see what would happen.”

San Francisco 49ers – New coach Dennis Erickson brings a 31-33 lifetime NFL record to the Niners. In Seattle, his teams went 8-8, 7-9, 8-8, and 8-8. Conversely, Erickson is 144-57-1 in the college ranks. Translation? The 49ers should seriously consider applying for membership in the PAC-10, because they’ll probably finish at, oh, I don’t know, 8-8 every year under Erickson in the NFL.

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks have not won more than nine games since 1986, and there’s no indication that they’ll win more than nine before 2086. According to a team source, “We’re building up to it slowly. If you get too successful too soon, you just end up all messed up in the head. Look at Kurt Cobain.”

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – Three straight years without a playoff birth have Bills fans longing for the days of annual Super Bowl losses. “It gets confusing when your ‘glory days’ really weren’t that glorious,” said one fan. “It’s like when you’re not getting laid and you begin to miss an old girlfriend who wasn’t that pretty to begin with. It’s sad, really.” To encourage fans, the Bills organization released a statement saying that the team “sincerely hopes to reach the Super Bowl this year and lose again.”

Miami Dolphins – At a press conference to announce the signing of the Dolphins’ new quarterback, a team spokesman gushed that he was “proud to have a player the caliber of Bob Griese back in a Dolphins uniform.” When informed that the team had actually signed Bob’s son Brian, the spokesman was less enthusiastic. “Oh, good Lord,” he said. “What’s next? We gonna sign Nick Buoniconti’s dog to play linebacker?”

New England Patriots – After his defense finished 23rd in the league last year, coach Bill Belichick spent much of the offseason petitioning the Meaningless Media Labeling Committee to reinstate his title of “Defensive Genius.” The committee was not impressed, however, and insisted that this year Belichick be referred to as “an okay defensive coach who’s not as bad as, say, a guy with a drinking problem.”

New York Jets – Quarterback Chad Pennington finished his first year as a starter with a ridiculous 104.2 rating. To put that in context, it’s the football equivalent of releasing “Stairway to Heaven” as your band’s first single. This type of accomplishment is the most persuasive argument for underachievement I can imagine. Had Pennington not been that good in the first place, no one would ever ask why he can’t be that good again. Failure looks pretty good right now, doesn’t it?

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – After his offense finished 26th in the league last year, coach Brian Billick spent much of the offseason petitioning the Meaningless Media Labeling Committee to reinstate his title of “Offensive Genius.” The committee was not impressed, however, and insisted that this year Billick be referred to as “the guy who had the ‘Offensive Genius’ label put on him way too early and never quite lived up to it.”

Cincinnati Bengals – Bengals first-round pick Carson Palmer has teamed with TV personality Carson Daly to form the “Hey, That Really Hurts” Foundation, a non-profit organization that provides free healthcare to children who are beaten up because they have Carson as their first name. In football-related news, thousands of religious pilgrims have begun heading for Cincinnati, claiming that if head coach Marvin Lewis can turn the Bengals into winners, he must be God.

Cleveland Browns – The big question in Cleveland is, “Who’s going to be the starting quarterback, Tim Couch or Kelly Holcomb?” The big question to everyone who’s not in Cleveland is, “Who really cares one way or the other?” Given that one’s career QB rating is 74.8 (Couch) and the other’s is 73.6 (Holcomb), can’t somebody just flip a coin or play a quick game of Rock, Paper, Scissors?

Pittsburgh Steelers – The organization plays its 1,000th game this season (Oct. 26 against St. Louis) and will celebrate by having members of the 1972 Steelers and Raiders teams re-enact the “Immaculate Reception” in wheelchairs. Afterwards, Mean Joe Green will throw his arthritis medicine to some kid in the tunnel while drinking a Coke. And if you get that reference, you’ve watched way too much TV.

AFC South

Houston Texans – After being sacked an NFL record 76 times last year, quarterback David Carr reportedly spent the offseason bulking up in preparation for another onslaught. Word is he also spent a considerable amount of time slashing tires, burning houses and soiling wives “just to let those big dumb linemen know who’s in charge.”

Indianapolis Colts – Colts officials claim that there are no lingering ill feelings about kicker Mike Vanderjagt’s offseason comments toward quarterback Peyton Manning and coach Tony Dungy. The same team officials also claimed that it is standard procedure for placekickers to share a locker room with the stadium grounds crew and eat all their meals in the parking lot.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Since entering the NFL in ’95, the Jags have been to the playoffs four times and played in the AFC Championship game twice. They have the highest winning percentage among all franchises. And you know what? No one cares. I checked. No one. Is Jacksonville even in the United States?

Tennessee Titans – It was reported that quarterback Steve McNair apologized for his arrest on DUI and gun possession charges, quickly restoring his reputation as a stand-up guy. Funny, though, how when I apologize for getting drunk and driving into my neighbor’s living room, people still call me a jackass.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – With quarterback Brian Griese out of the picture, the Broncos have begun the search for a replacement player on whom to blame this year’s team failures. When asked why such a scapegoat had to be identified, a team official shot back, “What, you think I’m going to take the blame? Are you mental?”

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs have attributed last season’s awful defensive play to a communication breakdown. Evidently, one of the team’s assistant coaches suffers from a severe speech impediment, and whenever he would tell defenders to “Tackle, dammit,” they would mistakenly believe that they had just been instructed to tickle a dimwit. The coach has since been reassigned to special teams, and whenever he calls for the punt team, it sounds as though he is asking for lunchmeat.

Oakland Raiders – Nothing but positives here. First, at their ages, the Raiders players have probably already completely forgotten about their 27-point Super Bowl loss in January. And second, the team can save a ton of money on travel expenses by utilizing Senior Discounts at most hotels and restaurants. The only negatives are that 37-year-old Rich Gannon keeps falling asleep in the huddle and 40-year-old Jerry Rice is noticeably slowed by the adult diaper he must now wear to combat bladder control issues.

San Diego Chargers – The Chargers have begun the last three seasons a combined 15-4, only to fade down the stretch and miss the playoffs each year. To reverse the trend, the Bolts have launched a new “Suck in September” campaign designed to reduce community stress by deflating fans’ expectations much earlier in the season. “We’re excited about it,” said a team source. “Teaching players to lose is much easier than you would think.”