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| "Spoil Sport" from Crank magazine. by Creexul :( 05/07/2006, 1:13pm PDT | ||||
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| Crank is an old magazine by some MISANTHROPE >:( which I used to read over the internet at the dude's website which is basically defunct except for pdfs of the 7 or so issues he put out. :(
Spoil Sport A helpful guide to movies you may have missed. By Dan Kelly and Jeff Koyen Alien Sigourney and the cat get away. The alien is blown out an airlock. Aliens Sigourney, the girl, the robot and the marine get away. The aliens are blown up. Aliens 3 Sigourney has been impregnated with an alien all this time. She jumps into a smelter as an alien bursts out of her chest. The Andromeda Strain Labored breathing prevents infection. Angel Heart DeNiro is the Devil. Mickey Rourke goes to Hell. Apocalypse Now Martin Sheen kills Brando and then blows up the village. Babe They eat the pig. Bad Lieutenant Loan sharks kill Keitel, in spite of his good deed at the very end. Barfly He ends up at the bar. Barton Fink John Goodman is the killer and is presumed to have a head in his valise. Basic Instinct Sharon Stone really did kill all those people. She and Michael Douglas live happily ever after. The Beguiled Clint has his leg amputated. He dies. Blow Out She dies. Blue Velvet Kyle MacLachlan shoots Dennis Hopper. Body Double It's a set-up. Brazil It's all taking place in Jonathan Pryce's mind. He's been driven insane during interrogation. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia Warren Oates dies. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid They really do die. Charlotte's Web They eat the pig. Clockers The drunk brother killed the guy. A Clockwork Orange He becomes evil again. The Collector She dies. The Conversation The lovebirds are plotting to kill the hubby, not the other way around. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover The abusive husband kills the lover and she makes him (the hubby) eat the lover's body. The Crying Game It's a cock. Big deal. Dead Again She's actually the reincarnated guy. The Deer Hunter Christopher Walken loses that last game of Russian Roulette. Deliverance The guitarist dies. Burt Reynolds dies. Jon Voight murders an innocent cajun, but survives. Ned Beatty survives with the knowledge of what it's really like to be a woman (or a sheep). Dr. Strangelove The world ends. Dr. Strangelove can walk again. The Duel Dennis Weaver tricks the truck driver into driving off a cliff. East of Eden Raymond Massey has a stroke. James Dean becomes a dutiful son. Easy Rider They die. The Empire Strikes Back Luke loses a hand. Darth Vader is Luke's father. The Exorcist Max von Sydow dies. Father Demian takes a lethal dry dive out the window with the demon inside him. Eye of the Needle Donald Sutherland dies. Eyes of Laura Mars Tommy Lee Jones is the killer. Fargo Steve Buscemi is killed by his psycho partner and put through a wood chipper. Fried Green Tomatoes The evil husband was turned into barbecue and eaten by the cop. The Fugitive The best friend is responsible for the wife's murder. Ghost Patrick Swayze avenges his own murder, but is still dead. He goes to heaven after finally saying "I love you" to his wife. Demi Moore cries a hundred times. The Graduate Benjamin and what's-her-name ditch the wedding, get on a bus, and then realize that they don't know what the hell they're going to do next. Heat DeNiro dies. Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer Henry kills his girlfriend and stuffs her in a suitcase. Invasion of the Body Snatchers The cops believe his story and mobilize. (In the original cut, nobody believed him and the movie ended on a hopeless note. But that conclusion-allegorically allowing the Reds the win-was too depressing for Cold War America, so they added the uplift.) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (remake #1) Donald Sutherland gets snatched. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (remake #2) Gabrielle Anwar appears topless. Oh, and a bunch of other things happen. Jaws Quinn dies. Roy Scheider shoves an oxygen tank into the shark's mouth, shoots it, and blows the shark up. Richard Dreyfuss is okay. Kids The friend fucks the AIDS-girl at the end. Ha ha ha ha ha.Stupid stupid stupid fucking movie. Killing Zoe The bad guy dies. Eric Stoltz gets the girl. And AIDS! Ha ha ha ha. [my emphasis because I thought the same thing at the end of this movie -Jayhawh] The Last Seduction The hick married a man in New York. Linda Fiorentino gets away. Leaving Las Vegas She gets raped. He dies. Lolita Humbert shoots Quilty. Lolita is happily married and knocked up. The Manchurian Candidate The brainwashed guy shoots his parents instead of the candidate. Then he kills himself. Marathon Man Dustin Hoffman shoots Laurence Olivier. Midnight Cowboy Dustin Hoffman dies. Natural Born Killers Micky and Mallory get away, shoot Robert Downey and get away again. Nightmare on Elm Street 1-6 Um, Freddy's not really dead. Night of the Living Dead The black guy survives, only to be shot by zombie hunters. No Way Out Kevin Costner is Uri. The Odessa File Jon Voight's father was the soldier shot by the Nazi during the flashback. Old Yeller They shoot the dog. You cry. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Big Chief smothers the lobotomized Jack Nicholson, then escapes. The Piano Holly's fingers are chopped off. She marries Harvey Keitel and talks again. Pink Flamingoes Divine eats dog shit. Planet of the Apes Er, it's Earth. Presumed Innocent The wife killed the mistress. Primal Fear The kid is faking the multiple personality thing. He's really a bad motherfucker. Pulp Fiction 1st Ending: Jules and Vincent keep the suitcase. Tim Roth and Amanda Plummer are redeemed. 2nd Ending: Uma gets a big needle plunged into her heart. She lives. 3rd Ending: Bruce Willis and Maria De Medeiros get away. John Travolta is killed by Bruce. Psycho His mother's corpse is stuffed in the basement; Norman is a transvestite. The Quiet Earth Only people on the verge of death survived the "effect." Zac, the main survivor, tricks his two co-survivors into staying and really dying during the final transformation. He emerges, alone, on a new planet. Credits roll. Reservoir Dogs Mr. Orange is the cop. Everybody dies. The Return of Martin Guerre He really is an impostor. Rosemary's Baby The baby is the Devil's son. Duh. Seven Brad Pitt's wife's head is in the box. Pitt kills John Doe. Shallow Grave The money is buried under the kitchen floor. The Shining Olive Oyl and the kid escape. Scatman eats an axe. Jack freezes to death. Closing scene shows Jack in a photo taken fifty years earlier at the hotel. Silence of the Lambs The bad guy is making a suit made from fat women's skin. Jodie kills him. Lecter escapes. The Sting They don't really die. Summer of '42 Her hubby dies in WWII. She fucks the kid, then moves away. Talk Radio He's shot and killed. Taxi Driver Travis fails to kill the Candidate. Instead, he kills the pimp and his cronies while rescuing the young Jodie Foster. Ironically, he becomes a hero. Terms of Endearment She dies. You cry. Third Man Harry Lime is alive. Joseph Cotten shoots him. Touch of Evil Orson Welles is caught and killed. Trainspotting Renton takes the money and runs. Tree's Lounge See Barfly. Twin Peaks Her father killed her. He is possessed by Bob. The Usual Suspects Everyone dies. Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze. Videodrome He kills himself. Von Ryan's Express Frank Sinatra dies. Voyager Julie Delpy (the daffy blonde chippie) is Sam Shepard's daughter. War of the Roses They die. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? They don't really have a son. They were just playing with their guests' heads. Widow's Peak Natasha Richardson is Mia Farrow's daughter. It's a scam. Wild at Heart Sailor and Lula live happily ever after. Withnail & I "I" gets a job. Withnail is left behind. The Wizard of Oz It was all a dream. The World According to Garp He dies. And that's where it ends. |
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"Spoil Sport" from Crank magazine. by 05/07/2006, 1:13pm PDT  |
