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by Creexul :( 05/09/2006, 8:15pm PDT |
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Well I already played through this whole game today and if you are thinking about it, you probably shouldn't. :(
Here is a walkthrough of the game that may help explain why.
At the beginning you have to sit through a bunch of Newgrounds flash movie shit with Marilyn Manson music and unskippable slideshows of pictures or something, I don't know. But you start in some bedroom, and you have to walk around "examining" everything with either enter or the space bar (or you can use a gamepad and just hit the A button at everything). You'll pick up bags or examine TVs and shit. Move through the house and do the same to various books, videos, TVs, whatever, and it'll keep going through flashbacks or scenes, or dialogue from Apocalypse Now.
There are some funny goofy things in this like when the guys jump and it makes a wacky sound effect, like some wacky comic relief scene out of Final Fantasy 6. It's really the only reason you'd play this. :(
Anyway you go through more cutscenes and shit and eventually show up in the school parking lot with a lot of weird sideways screenshots of cars pasted onto an overhead view of a parking lot. First thing you do is examine the trunk of the car so you pull out the bombs (maybe do it again after this to get the duffle bags, I don't remember), then go up into the front door of the school where you have to do a lame stealth mission (which is more offensive than making a game about Columbine, HOW DARE THEY RRRRRG), avoid touching the people, some of HOOM will walk towards you, and also keep an eye out for security cameras on the wall; you have to walk directly under them. There's three as you keep moving up, one left, one right, and one left again. Or maybe another on the right after that I dunno. ~_~ If you examine the drinking fountains it gives you information about "hard water" in Colorado and calcium content and stuff. Just make it all the way up passing the people and classroom doors.
The double doors all the way at the top are the cafeteria doors, you go inside, and look out for the security camera directly up from your starting location in here. Give them a wide BURF, along with anyone else walking around in here. Find the snack machines which are up at the top of the map. You can walk behind most of the tables here, so you aren't stuck having to go around the rows of tables. The first snack machine you need to plant the bomb at is all the way right and at the top, just start pounding the A button or space bar all over under the tables nearby. Next go all the way left to the other snack machine and do the same. Then you'll be required to "sneak" back out the front door of the school. I don't know what happens if you get caught because I didn't after getting caught like 90 times trying to get in and then getting in but forgetting the bombs in the trunk (thanks for not telling me about that game PSH). Anyway get back out (now might be the actual correct time to get the duffle bags from the trunk of your very nice BMW wow life sure sucked for them huh), then go all the way down to a sidewalk path leading out the bottom of the parking lot map, into a narrow area with a park, walk all the way right and move around some of the rocks or fences or whatever, keep moving along the grass until you get to a bench where Eric or Klebold or whoever the fuck they are is already waiting at (even though he's supposed to be with you). There will be a super long cutscene about something and probably some Marilyn Manson lyrics and a Rammstein MIDI playing in the background.
Now you basically slog through the school, killing everyone in the parking lot, then going through the school casting SHOTGUN on people. You can really just click through the auto play option since there's no challange here. Also you can hold down the A button (or space or enter) to skip through the battle messages. You should do this constantly because it'll speed up your battle and it's easier than pounding the spacebar repeatedly. There are a ton of classrooms just with some people in them that you can clear. I'd probably recommend you do all of them for the experience because you'll eventually need it. Also clear out the bathrooms. One of them has a kid being picked on!!!!!!!!! But you save him by telling the jocks that THEY WILL NO LONGER PICK ON OTHER KIDS, then you throw a propane or napalm bomb at them, and then make fun of their corpses and let the kid they were picking on go free (which is a little disappointing because I thought it would be funny if you got to blow him away too). Also keep an eye out o_O for the church kids because they can cast prayer and heal themselves. Not that it matters.
When you kill everyone in the gym (which is the hall exit on the right in the school, then keep going right all the way) it'll trigger a cutscene about I don't fuckin know, and there's some more Manson lyrics I think.
In the hall that goes to the gym (the one that scrolls left to right), there are two sets of stairs that lead to the same upper floor level. You can kill a janitor up there that gives you a key to one of the locked doors on that floor that triggers another cutscene about being in drama club running the lights for the plays and being like WELL THE PLAY WENT WELL BUT I WILL PROBABLY GET PICKED ON IN SCHOOL FOR BEING AN OUTSIDER.
On the first floor in the sideways hall, there's a double door that leads to the library. You should probably do this last. Kill everyone except for anyone YOU DECIDE TO LET LIVE o_o. You can examine the computers in here to blow them up. There's one guy you can let live who runs into a book shelf and doesn't ever actually leave (so whatever). Try to find a Neechi book called Bloobloo Homo or something. You HAVE to do this before completing the school area because otherwise you can get to the next area without it and have to start the whole game over again.
So this half of the game ends at the very top of the library by the open window, where you can have a shootout with tha muthafuckin punk police. You get the option to END IT ALL or LET'S KILL MORE SHITHEADS. If you opt out of the suicide thing to kill more shitheads (and jocks!) then to get the option again you have to examine all over the bookshelf to the left of the window.
When you are done and decide to end it all, there's a boring slideshow of the dead eric and derek killers whatever after the suicide (real pictures, but 16 bit, kind of gross), some of the crying people outside the school, and then the childhood pictures of the killers which goes on for a million years and would've been better off in a Newgrounds flash movie with the rest of the linkin park corn slideshows.
=======GIANT SPOILER SPACE=========
DON'T GO ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT THE SECRETS OF THE END OF THE GAME RUINED SO MUCH
===SPOILS===
The next part has one of your dudes waking up in hell without his partner, and you walk down a giant staircase until you get to the giant maze area and fight enemies from Doom while the Doom theme MIDI plays. This area is actually kind of challanging. You start fighting off demon soldiers and sargeants who do very little damage. Your pistol will take care of them in one or two hits. Save before you get into any fights (in hell you can save anywhere, sort of unhell-like really). The really hellish part is that this next part is one gigantic maze of clearing Doom enemies, and it'll take you an hour easily to slog through most of this. The upside is that when you kill an enemy they'll stay dead. For now, stay AWAY from demon imps (the brown dudes). They shoot fire at you which does like literally 20 times more damage than all the other enemies for like no fucking reason. Wait until you get the shotgun at least. There are medkits, but they're mostly random drops, and they drop from the skull dudes (who aren't that hard to kill). As you go on, the enemies which have mostly been just whatever they are in their overworld icon will start being flanked with other harder enemies. Try to save carefully, avoid enemies and keep moving while conserving any healing items you get until you're almost dead. Try to find treasure chests with more weapons, the shotgun should be the first you find, then the plasma gun (which uses up a ton of ammo but is usually your best chance at killing demon imps in one shot before they can fuck you up with their fire attack). The hardest of these encounters will be the barons, which are the giant brown dudes with horns. Also, in certain areas, you'll find some parts of the ground which look like holes or something, and you can use them to pick up ammo packs that fully restore ammo. Save these for a last resort, but pick up all you can (all the ammo holes will look alike so you'll start to recognize them eventually, and once you empty them they'll stay empty so you can tell if you went through that area already).
The rest of hell is just wandering through the maze, which is not that difficult to navigate. You'll find your other partner somewhere in the middle of the maze. For some reason he was unable to get the shotgun, but he got the plasma gun (even though I already had both before finding him). A lot more treasure chests will contain medkits or a few more weapons (rocket launcher, chain gun). You'll find some rows of round rocks blocking a few areas, you can push these out of the way with the examine button. Usually when coming across a treasure chest, there will be a big ass group of enemies around it, but you can lead them away if your backpedal path is clear. Just draw them towards you and run away from the treasure chest, then go for the JUKE!!!!!!!!!! and run around them to the chest. Then try to engage the weakest dudes first. If you find a medkit in a chest and have to use it immediately after clearing the area, go ahead and do that.
When you get your other dude, this area becomes way easier. Even though your main dude will probably have like 9 or 10 levels up on the second guy, the extra firepower will help you cut through the rest of the enemies in this zone. He'll usually get lost behind a wall or corner as you walk around, but it doesn't matter because you don't need him with you at any point to do anything.
When it comes to the other weapons, the pistol is good until you get the shotgun, then you'll want to keep that. The plasma gun uses a TON of ammo so use it only on the imps and barons. The demons (the big pink guys), skulls, and demon soldiers all do tiny amounts of damage, and they will do like 1 damage for any attack that even connects once you find the rawkin COMBAT ARMOR (YES YES YES CRANK UP THE MANSON OR MORE DOOM MIDIS AT LEAST FOR THIS SHIT). It gives you 2 of stuff like combat armors and chainsaws so you can equip them on both characters no matter when you find Dude #2.
Somewhere you'll find an area with the "island of lost souls" or something, which is just a teleport pad which leads you to a wacky island of characters ranging from Ronald Reagan to Megaman, all who talk about how they were banished to hell because they don't believe in Jesus Christ our lord and savYA and they're not christianNUH.......s. And they also chat about more gay shit about the nature of god blah blah BLAH but thankfully you're saved another slideshow of 16 bit pictures and linkin park lyrics. You don't have to go here as soon as possible though (you can just fly here later), and you don't need the other guy physically next to you at the time to open it.
What you should really do is cut through the maze by going through the middle diagonally up and left and then cut through the top area going right and you should end on a cyberdemon, already having the shotgun, chaingun, and rocket launcher. You should also find one half of the bible of satan somewhere around here (I think) and you can use it to teach yourself a healing spell like the barons have (which is so annoying when they do it). Anyway you should spam hard enemies like barons with rocket launchers at this point, spray chainguns at giant groups of enemies (really good for wiping out several soldiers and flying skulls in the first round of battle). When you start fighting like 6 or so dudes in one group it'll give you tons more loot (like ammo and medkits) so that should keep you going. This is where you can stop worrying about not having enough health to make it through hell.
The go around the teleporter pad after you kill the cyberdemon (just spam him with rockets and heal with medkids if you need). Get the treasure chest with the BFG (RAWKIN). Take the teleporter pad to find Niechziehi and give him his book, you have a long talk, he quotes some NIN lyrics to you (yes really) and gives you devil's food cake recipe or something to take to Satan. Take the other teleporter pad to go to Satan.
Fight him by alternating in between BFG shots, medkits when you get low on health, and ammo rechargers when you get low on ammo. You'll win and he'll be like GOOD JOB and you give him the food cake and he's like THANKS DUDES and asks for part two of the bible of satan, and also to fly his dragon around. Go to his left and examine the egg, a dragon will hatch, and then you can basically fly everywhere. You don't have to bother fighting enemies anymore at this point but you can if you want. To find the last part of the satan bible, go to the top of the dragon statues right above satan, and fly straight left until you find a tiny floating island with two treasure chests. One will be the other part of the book and the other will be a medkit. You can fly around and look at the entire maze and other spots like Neechi and the isle of lost souls or whatever. Take the book back to satan and he'll be like YAY then you look on to earth and see a press conference where a lot of people talk and blame various things for the shootings, like lax gun laws, violent movies and video games, and people not being christianSUH, then it has some YOU WIN screen with a Time magazine cover of the killers and a long clip of some Manson song. Then it fades to black and loads up the menu screen again.
The best tip I can suggest though is to play Cave Story instead. |
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