The key to deciphering M. Night Shyamalan's fractured fairy tale, "The Lady in the Water," is to remember that it is rooted in the ancient mythology of Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report." It is a warning to Mankind about the dire threat posed by ferocious topiary bears in America today, and a salute to the gigantic, soaring eagle who swoops in to rescue Wet People from pitiless ursine jaws and claws. Colbert oughtta sue.

When I was young there was a series of books about boys and girls dreaming of the careers they'd have as grown-ups. I can't remember what the titles were, but let's say one was Don Brown, Boy Announcer. Don dreams of being a radio announcer, and one day, when an announcer falls ill at the scene of a big story, he grabs the mike and gets his chance. The engineer nodded urgently to me and I began to describe the fire, remembering to speak clearly. I was nervous at first, but soon the words flowed smoothly.

There were books about future coaches, nurses, doctors, pilots, senators, inventors, and so on. I also read the "Childhood of Famous Americans" series, but the "boy announcer" books were far superior, because they were about the childhood of me. I took a deep breath and began. This was the chance I had been waiting for!