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| NFL 2005 PREVIEW PART THREE by Helpful Monkey 03/19/2007, 11:32pm PDT | ||||
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| Hartford Whalers
A lot of strong guys in this team with lean and muscular frames, you would think this would be enough to all the way. Wrong, it takes mental games as much as body games in a Fraggle Rock playfield like this years. Everyone out there will be giving 110%, what does that leave, you have to add a percent on to that. 111% or hell even 112% dedication is how rings get off chubby fingers and fresh faces oughtta know this by now. Bruno Jazucci is a motivator like nobody's business, point him in the right direction, wind him up, watch him turn a team around 360 degrees, face them right back where they started. You turned them too much stupid motherfucker. But he can't help it, he will breastfeed off a log if you let him. One thing he's not doing is filling the hole in his training camp, Brad Manbloom fell down that motherfucker one maybe two weeks ago, there was mushrooms down there, fucking elves and shit. The new black African player has got one big leg on his foot, they used to breed a one big leg slave with a fast moving slave, wham bam thank you man, they don't do that no more. You try that big leg on my car expect alarms to beep beep right up your dick(s). Vikky Tayback on the other hand hasn't got any legs, that's why Bruno's best bet is to keep him up in that wheelchair, it won't be a surprise but wait until you see the stickers he got stuck on that motherfucker. Chiquita stickers, Dole stickers, none of those. Unless they want to see some long division, I'm talking serious metric systems, they're going to throw some steamers downstream. What will that make them, streamers? Not likely. San Francisco Carmen San Diegos As I see it this team has two major problems going into this. One, the team's son has an eating disorder. That's going to weigh on some heartstrings. Two, although the rulebook doesn't explicitly state dogs can't play football, it doesn't not state they can't either. What does this mean for first-round draft pick Air Bud Golden Receiver? It means he has his work cut out for him. The truth about this team is in the numbers: fifteen, maybe sixteen. Also all the players are very fat and too fat to play good. There is a witch that can possibly salvage some hangtime for them... for a price. The price is a bag of teeth, paid in teeth. Between that and Mitch eating up all the running room for breakfast I'm thinking fourteen isn't out of the question. That's offense covered, but games are won in the rain, not on the ice. What about defense? I don't trust defense, I trust Murphy Brown, and Murphy Brown is defense to this organization. She can interview the mayor of tinseltown on FYI then go to the (sports) bar for a (sports) virgin mary because she isn't an alcoholic anymore, that's part of her backstory. And she has a real tight end, if I was managing this team I would get her and Faith Ford in a sleeping bag on the roof of my house and roll them over the edge then jerk off down my chimney. Before that I would hang some footballs in there and make sure the fire was out because life begins at reception. Reception is a weak suit in this deck, it couldn't receive a UPS if UPS was going out of business and delivering packages to faggots. Superbowl pick. Air Hockey John Oystersman, son of a bank robber, can he rob the bank between the goalposts? All signs point to yes you magnificent son of a whore. John Oysterman Jr, son of footballer John Oysterman, hasn't got the chops his daddy spit on. This team isn't big enough for the both of them, one is going to be riding the pine, hopefully Bruno Kapowski sees that before its too late. One solution is the trinity, they are father and son, but they can also be one entity like the leaves on a clover. One impregnates the other. Get them both in there and they're twins, in the uterus? No, that's crazy talk. Face facts one of them needs to be cut. Fucking crazy talk, you'll get nowhere with me until you trim the fat. This brings me to Bruce Garbeld, Joey Novadrome, Hoppy McQuandary - these guys run rings around my drainplug, keep it up up up hike. You want to see a sweaty tackle, you keep your eye on Hoppy, take a normal guys glands and double them, you'll be slipping and sliding in his fluids. Unless you pull the plug expect to be swimming in it. But you can't catch what you can't see, heres where gypsies come in. You see that tower? Looks like a Safeway but it's a tower, houses the eyes of the division, in a gem. Smash that gem and the eyes close. Shouldn't be a problem for gypsies like yourselves, just imagine you're beating your filthy wives. Norman can't catch for shit, if all else fails throw it to him, see where I'm going? Oh god I can't find my coke it was right here |
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NFL 2005 PREVIEW PART THREE by 03/19/2007, 11:32pm PDT  So what kind of music do you like, perhaps jazz or... classical? NT by 03/19/2007, 11:58pm PDT Finally, a football article for the rest of us. NT by 04/10/2007, 11:25pm PDT I LOVE THIS GAME NT by 04/20/2007, 3:43pm PDT |
