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by Grumah 04/16/2007, 6:55pm PDT |
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We rented the Xbox port. They actually did a nice port, all the graphics were heavily updated. Joh actually played the n64 rom and wow it was fucking unwatchable from a graphics standpoint.
But the game sucks. This was Rare's follow up to Banjo Kazooie which was an entertaining follow up to Mario 64. Conker has the benefit of not being a little kiddy game with fucking goofy animals who make funny noises while carrying a red bird in a blue backpack and slamming them face first into the ground beak raping your most loyal sister-in-arms or whatever the fuck it might be kazooie EXISTS for.
So there's a matrix *homage* (ripoff) after the SPR mission, but by the time you even fucking reach it you are sick to fucking death of the entire concept of the game, as well as being sick of the new concept introduced after you can no longer participate in ultrashitty jump puzzles performed at angles that don't help you see where you are even jumping to or anything else that might be around your giant screen filling bushy tail and fat fucking walnut head. The "matrix" map is just a basic bank robbery setup where you stand on a jump pad and then float across the screen in slow motion shooting people, back and forth as many times as it takes to kill everything. Leave it to conker to make slow motion uninteresting, that deserves some kind of death penalty.
So the fucking people who made the game don't kill conker, but they kill his hot ass piece of ass poon gurlfriend with the nice tits (and did I mention ass?). Lame. The very last boss fight was kinda funny when the automated computer is calling you a moron for not beating it in the first 20 seconds.
I refuse to mention anything that doesn't involve the two big movie references that were very topical the same year the game came out. The "shoot shit" system sucks but it is a giant improvement over the free form 3d platforming puzzle sections of the game which take up the first 980 hours where you run around trying to find hidden I dont know what kind of buttfuck faggot boring motherass bullshit that the game doesn't even hint at so you get even more time wasted running around wondering where to go next.
Rare should stay with making the little kids fucking baby fuck insult my intellegence cartoons. Those are the ones with the interesting puzzles that require an actual intellect. Possible dictionary correct definition of irony there. |
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