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| Most Jerked To by I need clarification 11/13/2007, 7:00pm PST | ||||
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| When I was younger, I was probably keeping pace with both current-day QB and both cibbles, combined with the fact there was no internet and I was too young to go buy porno mags and tapes (plus finding hardcore tapes in Florida was a challenge). We didn't have HBO or Cinemax. The girls I went to school with, while cute enough, didn't wear anything revealing enough to spark anything more than the most passing of daydreams, certainly nothing worth memorizing and rehashing later that night (though I did, anyway, CHARITABLY).
That's not to say I didn't get my hands on some choice material, and then more, and then became known in the neighborhood as the guy with the stash, a ridiculously large collection spread over two houses (my parents had split) and barely hidden. I think everyone in the family had given up trying to prevent the collection of porn, and instead decided to pretend to ignore it, assuming either adulthood or college would cure all of us. SURPRISE! But I still couldn't keep it right out in the open, and besides the printed page will only do so much. In fact, it's well known that even a fully-clothed, semi-attractive woman will at times be more useful if she's on screen, moving and talking, than a stunner spread-eagle naked on a printed page (not that I had anything like that - my tastes ran to late-70s/early-80s Playboy, which would never show something as crass as a spread-eagled lady). I had a set routine for using the magazines, first starting with finding the hidden bunny on the cover, the better to gaze over whatever airbrushed vixen was holding her suspenders JUST SO, then on to the third pictorial, toward the back of the magazine (flipping by the first pictorial quickly to see if it was worth coming back to), then maybe the first, and finally the playmate. God help her if she wasn't hot, or was the annual shout-out to non-whites. I couldn't use it, and my budgeting had backfired. I'd have to go back to one of the earlier pictorials, the cover, or failing all else the FUCKING CARTOONS hoping to find something that would spark. I digress. As I was saying, I couldn't keep it right out in the open, particularly during the day, when I would frequently ditch school so I could relax at home (only on the days the cleaning woman didn't come) and knock out two or three sessions before anyone got home, all in front of the TV. No VCR, nothing but the most basic of cables, I was determined to break out of the magazine ghetto. I preamble to explain the list in advance. Also, the order is really based on recollection. My obsession was with collecting porn, not notating each session and what was used for each. I was able to run my own post-session analyses on the fly, locking what worked away for rare usage when needed, forefronting what pretty much worked for further development (could a classmate's head be placed on that body? Or even just another starlet's?), and discarding the duds immediately. It's not like I'm DESPERATE. Finally, all these entries will make me look older (or more advanced for my young age) than I am or was. The thing is, I was home during the day, so it was all reruns. And my Playboy collecting was done at comic conventions, where I could buy a box of old issues for like $25, no questions asked. Hence, and without further ado: 5. Henriette Allias - Playmate of the Month, sometime in the early 80s. Holy shit, the ass on this woman. Up until this pictorial, I'd never understood the whole ass thing, but like Jehova standing on the Mount of Sinai or whatever, I was converted in a flash. I think they titled her pictorial "Southern Belle," and she's now synonymous with the term for me, despite I think living in Paris and probably never even going to the South. She was also born in Jacksonville, just an hour and a half from where I lived. Oh, the fantasies... who knows how many times I featured her, and to this day she still makes guest appearances. 4. Female Regular Cast/Guest Stars, Love Boat - Lauren Tewes (Julie your Cruise Director), Hayley Mills, Morgan Fairchild, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. Fuck, I'd even stoop to Charo in a pinch because I could turn down the volume and just focus in on the cleavage. I had the show all sussed out. The opening credits/ship boarding/cabin assignment all took place before the first commercial, which was useful to decide whether to even bother or not. Then you have one full commercial pod before the big jackpot - segment #2, which ALWAYS started out at the pool. Usually one-pieces, but on luscious 70s bodies. You had to be quick, but once you knew how to play it you just needed the basic raw material. Try as I might, though, I couldn't get Vicky into the lineup - she was always going to be that little girl. 3. Randi Oakes - CHiPs. The genesis of my endless fascination with female motorcycle cops. Although no women rode motorcycles on CHiPs (or in real life), she was the one I wished did. I could already picture her in the right pants and high boots. I also liked discovering she originally appeared on CHiPs as the girlfriend/accomplice of a Bad Guy, including some hot bikini action (I believe CHiPs were chasing people on boats in that episode). Later, she showed up as Officer Bonnie Clarke, different character, same sexiness. There was a brunette officer, too, with a husky voice. Sometimes they were in the same scene together. Bonus: I saw a female motorcycle officer just last week for the first time here in LA. They're finally listening to me. 2. Shannon Tweed - Sure, everyone's used her. Doesn't matter. If you had HBO/Skinemax in the 80s or 90s, it was her or nothing, and I took her. Still the best fake tits I've ever seen. I'm not even sure she was all that sexy, but it felt almost required, like reading Shakespeare or something. As a matter of fact, it's exactly like reading Shakespeare. For sheer volume, it's hard to think of anyone to rank higher. 1. Cynthia Brimhall/Ginger Lynn TIE - Cynthia - I know. Who, right? Another Playmate, maybe of the year? A redhead with a ridiculously good body and red hair. Holy shit, I loved that hair, because it reminded me of my first real crush and conflating the two was awesome. In addition to her pictorials, she appeared in schlockmeister Andy Sidaris movies in the 90s, usually playing a dumb idiot bimbo who couldn't wait to screw. PERFECT! When I was living in Vegas, she was appearing in some dumb show on the Strip, but I never went because I assumed we would instantly recognize each other and it would be embarassing. As it turns out, I went to the Fashion Show mall once and she was walking RIGHT TOWARD ME. She caught me staring and I swear to god she grabbed her tit and shook it. I didn't know what the fuck to do. Is that some sort of signal? Does it mean fuck off or follow me around some more? What the shit. Anyway, it bought her a starring role for years to come as fantasy me did indeed follow her all the way home and shook some tits himself. It's hard to remember now, but before she started looking like a cracked out cracky meth addict, Ginger Lynn was ridiculously hot. She was like Henriette Allias in the ass department, except she frequently was getting it pounded right on camera. I wore out the tape I had of her, then got another one which was discovered by my aunt and smashed to pieces while I hid in the bathroom and hoped she assumed it was my cousins'. |
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