Caltrops - Article Submissions - Re: Oh good, another fag who's touchy about his "work."

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by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/03/2004, 11:54am PST

Bill Dungsroman wrote:

Worm wrote:

There are three. It's just Afterglow, After Afterglow, and During Reality the other things are simply mere periods during those phases.
How the fuck is anyone supposed to know that? I see five bolded, all-caps, same-sized font headers in that review. You telling me there are just three still means jack shit. THERE ARE FIVE.

Worm wrote:

I basically copy and pasted some posts I made on a message board, that's why it looks like more shit than the rest of the stuff I've thrown up here.
Well, let's just toss that right up on the front page, then!

The toughest thing to do in game reviewing, Worm, is write about a good game that you personally like that everyone's already heard of. There wasn't a peep around Caltrops when Max Payne II came out, for instance, because it was a good game that didn't really tread any new ground and a thousand cocksuckers already spewed their worthless opinions about it on a million other websites. I'm very bipolar when it comes to Half-Life 2 -- I have gone from thinking it's the worst fucking game ever to making a jackass out of myself by very audibly GASPING when the cops do something I've never seen an enemy do before and I oftentimes hold these two opinions within moments of each other. But I wouldn't review it. It's impossible to change anyone's opinion about it at this point and while there is definitely some worth in writing up one's experience with Steam on the evening of November 16th, people care less and less about that as time goes on. (I had completely forgotten about the launch of WWII Online until just recently -- and I was braying like a donkey at how awful that was when it first came out. Bad launches are forgotten quickly.)

Even if you genuinely like a game, you're far better served as a writer talking about its faults. BDR went on at length on just what was wrong with Baldur's Gate II, but I would imagine that he would still recommend it after all this time. It would probably make his top twenty game list. If you want to do that sort of thing with a Half-Life 2 review, I think you need to point out that the puzzles came after they developed features in the engine, for instance, in your paragraphs about the physics. You need to hammer it for making us stack boxes and work a teeter-totter and then ask yourself if at some point you're going to have to generate excellent Havoc-modeled speed on a fucking swing set in order to jump off and grasp some valve to change water pressure. Reviewing -- especially at this site -- is a zero-sum game, Worm. A great number of people spent five years of their life making HL2. You can either attack them in the review of your game, or else the denizens of this website will attack you.

Additionally, I think you'd be better served really thinking about what you want to say, overall. What is the larger point you are going for? You want to eliminate words like "good" and "really" and so forth. (The word "very" was in fact banned at one point in the magazine Amiga Power because it is meaningless and redundant. There are many words like this.)

And lastly, in regards to this:

Christ, I don't even get why people sob about shit being on rails. The best we can get is a track switch, but open ended is a fucking lie. I'm sorry that you can't create a flash bang out of some kids chemistry set MacGuyver. Also, you're stuck in a game that is on rails? What are you fucking retarded?

(The backstory for everyone else: Worm and I have chatted about HL2 many times, and I am only halfway through "Water Hazard.")

You definitely want to call me out here as the retarded person in question, otherwise it looks like you're banging away at a straw man. I'm on the 4th mission out of 10 or 11 or whatever, so I and the people who have only gone as far as me don't really have the right to a complete opinion. But either way, if one of your e-friends makes a point you disagree with on a game as big as HL2, you're best served by being very specific with them. The AIM log format is a proven winner, and I'd be happy to oblige.

This place is crawling with people who hate things for a living. Remember not to take any of it personally.

the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!