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by Zsenitan 06/18/2008, 6:20pm PDT |
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Like classic John Hughes movie right-side-of-the-tracks white, with the house in the Horrendously Well-To-Do Hills, the 4 blonde children (boys in football, girls in soccer,) white Escalade in the driveway, the spry, sporty, fearless blonde housefrau, good lord. I got the bike at half price as the eldest daughter, 13, 5'10", a fresh honey-haired Tasmin Egerton, had grown three inches in the previous year, and her perilously long legs no longer suited the bike frame.
"Up to six feet," Fearless Mum confessed to me, impromptu, "she's fine. I pray she doesn't get taller than that though."
Insult to injury: Sport Mom coached me on riding the bike! She absolutely had to see me ride it, with my monstrous quadriceps - of which I was so proud only moments before - straining at my slacks like pugs panicking in a sack. My ass looming over the edges of the gel seat, an impossible gravity-tempting catastrophe in the making! I was ready to give them all my money just to make the punishment stop. "There you go, honey." She sang out as I grunted up and down the street. "You've got it now!"
Their purebred Himalayan sat in the driveway, scornful of contact with the unwashed.
I felt a disconsolate lurch in my guts as I piled my unbearably filthy and ratty ass into my unbearably filthy and ratty-ass car with bike and all. My god, this morning I was perfectly in control of everything. These House Beautiful bohunks had overset my reason. A niggling self-correcting internal voice, gently murmuring "but you're beautiful mentally" was unhelpful; it churned a dismal butter from the cream of my discontent. "But you're interesting!" What complete nonsense.
(Back at work, I discussed the matter with the HR Director's secretary. She too opined twaddle on the level of "but you have a sparkling wit," with the even-more-unhealthy "well when I wore a scoliosis brace in junior high, I had to develop a personality!" Proof absolute that personality is the red-ribbon prize, a permanent second-best to a 34" inseam and even white teeth.) |
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I bought a bike from the whitest people in creation. by Zsenitan 06/18/2008, 6:20pm PDT 
I thought this was going to be about buying a motorcycle from the Aryan Brotherh by Jerry Whorebach 06/18/2008, 10:50pm PDT
It's not really even second place, sorry. :( NT by I need clarification 06/19/2008, 12:16am PDT
2nd place is being close friends with the beautiful people. NT by Fullofkittens 06/19/2008, 6:08am PDT
Tamsin, not Tasmin by Vested Id 06/19/2008, 1:19am PDT
Personality is third place by Quétinbec 06/19/2008, 4:00am PDT
Re: Personality is third place by Zsenitan 06/19/2008, 4:53pm PDT
I like how you use "whitest" and "perfect" interchangeably. by Fussbett 06/19/2008, 5:48pm PDT
I like how your vision of perfection is colored (white) by Zsenitan 06/19/2008, 6:41pm PDT
I have an idea for this space: filthy carpet. NT by Gruman 08/02/2008, 11:10pm PDT
Re: Personality is third place by Quétinbec 06/20/2008, 2:46am PDT
WHICH ONE YALL DEAD MUTHAFUCKAS JUST SAID THAT SHIT? NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 06/20/2008, 6:31am PDT
I could use a vacation from my Cable search. $100 for address of Whiteys. NT by Caltrops' "Gentle" Stalker 06/19/2008, 7:58am PDT
We're moving anyway so even if you did find our address you'd have to start all NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 06/19/2008, 12:00pm PDT
Biking, or as we enthusiasts term it, "cycling" by Zsenitan 07/01/2008, 12:46pm PDT
The term "cycling" has a different meaning around here :( NT by Jerry Whorebach 07/01/2008, 12:59pm PDT
he means Zeni's "fast cycle" manic depression NT by captain obvious 07/01/2008, 1:27pm PDT
I obesely blunder through a scene from a chick flick. by Zsenitan 07/09/2008, 7:58pm PDT
Black people don't like to go outside? NT by I need clarification 07/09/2008, 8:25pm PDT
There aren't any black people in Oregon, so I don't really know. NT by Zsenitan 07/09/2008, 9:28pm PDT
Old men in an SUV laugh at my ass. by Zsenitan 07/11/2008, 5:35pm PDT
Possible upcoming sequel: They return and proposition you and you give them han NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 07/11/2008, 5:49pm PDT
No, they would have old shrivelled penises. Old penises are gross. NT by Zsenitan 07/11/2008, 5:58pm PDT
Sequel: I laugh at their old penises on an internet forum on the world wide web. NT by Zsenitan 07/11/2008, 5:58pm PDT
Penis? Penis???? IT'S DICK, IT'S MY DICK!!!!!!! WHAT AM I A FUCKIN DOCTOR NOW? NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 07/11/2008, 6:35pm PDT
(DAYUM) NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 07/11/2008, 6:39pm PDT
As you get stronger and more svelte, they get rounder and shorter of breath. by Motherhead 07/11/2008, 6:35pm PDT
Fatties have no business wearing thongs. by Jerry Whorebach 07/11/2008, 7:48pm PDT
Coffee shop. NT by Zsenitan 07/11/2008, 7:49pm PDT
Coffee cake. NT by Jerry Whorebach 07/12/2008, 8:02pm PDT
Wear sunglasses! One problem solved. NT by Fussbett 07/11/2008, 8:12pm PDT
Rapidly cycling for 20 miles. by Zsenitan 07/28/2008, 4:11pm PDT
COMMAS THIS FORUM SUCKS DELETE IT *KEYBOARD FLIP* NT by Zsenitan 07/28/2008, 4:14pm PDT
Sounds like you ride a lot. Have you lost any weight? This is not a set-up. NT by Last 07/28/2008, 5:07pm PDT
CAN YOU FLY BOBBY? *throws you out of a van* NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 07/28/2008, 5:15pm PDT
No. Nor do I expect to, since I have a pie for breakfast every morning. by Zsenitan 07/28/2008, 6:27pm PDT
At least she stays away from the anime MMORPG subscriptions! NT by Worm 07/29/2008, 6:45am PDT
This isn't how you show off, Zseni. You're doing it wrong. NT by Quétinbec 07/29/2008, 7:04am PDT
I'm a woman; what did you expect? "Fat woman does something wrong yet again, fil NT by Zsenitan 07/29/2008, 8:53am PDT
So why do you even bother? by Albert Hofmann 07/29/2008, 11:07am PDT
Ham is its own end NT by Entropy Stew 07/29/2008, 11:56am PDT
What a retarded thing to say. The whole patriarchy can't change my mind but you by Zsenitan 07/29/2008, 12:28pm PDT
I'm genuinely curious, though by Albert Hofmann 08/04/2008, 12:14pm PDT
You're supposed to embrace the depleted state. by Fussbett 07/29/2008, 2:28pm PDT
Then I'm high all the time (paranoid high) by Zsenitan 07/29/2008, 3:04pm PDT
Re: Then I'm high all the time (paranoid high) by Choson 07/29/2008, 4:11pm PDT
Re: Then I'm high all the time (paranoid high) by Fullofkittens 07/30/2008, 6:01am PDT
Re: Then I'm high all the time (paranoid high) by Quétinbec 07/31/2008, 7:17am PDT
Re: Then I'm high all the time (paranoid high) by Zsenitan 07/31/2008, 9:21am PDT
QB can't respond until he's done wanking to your emasculation of him. NT by QB's wank schedule secretary 07/31/2008, 10:17am PDT
Re: Then I'm high all the time (paranoid high) by Quétinbec 08/01/2008, 4:40am PDT
I don't want this bet to reach its horrifying conclusion. :( NT by Fussbett 08/01/2008, 10:54am PDT
Dry ice, Fedex, and a ziploc bag? NT by Entropy the Stew 08/01/2008, 6:07pm PDT
Re: Then I'm high all the time (paranoid high) by Zsenitan 08/01/2008, 1:48pm PDT
Answer his question! Which beasts have you shot, and did they suffer much? NT by worm 08/01/2008, 5:31pm PDT
The only beast you shoot with a handgun *sunglasses* is man by Entropy "The Stew" Stew 08/01/2008, 6:00pm PDT
Thanks, old man from Witness. Even though in your case it's more like WITLESS. NT by Gruman 08/01/2008, 6:45pm PDT
Guns! by Quétinbec 08/01/2008, 7:24pm PDT
Re: Guns! by Creexuls, a monster >:3 08/01/2008, 7:49pm PDT
Grease guns?! The Chinaman told me they were Uzis! Can they never be trusted? NT by Quétinbec 08/02/2008, 12:13am PDT
They're definitely not uzis. NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 08/02/2008, 12:46am PDT
The Uzi by Uziel Gal 08/02/2008, 1:02am PDT
Hey I called an off-brand photocopier a Xerox, does anyone want to correct me? NT by Fuckin' gun fetishits, man, I dunno 08/02/2008, 2:24am PDT
That would be a good point if all submachine guns were called Uzi but they ain't NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 08/02/2008, 3:09am PDT
Plenty of NORMAL people use "Uzi" in place of "submachinegun," for OBVIOUS REASO NT by Fuckin' gun fetishits, man, I dunno 08/02/2008, 3:30am PDT
Spit the cock out of your mouth and walk away, stupid. NT by Caltrops 08/02/2008, 4:19am PDT
All of Caltrops is against me! All of Caltrops being one anonyfag! NT by That sounds about right! 08/02/2008, 3:41pm PDT
Select which one of us agrees with your stupid shit. by The rest of Caltrops 08/02/2008, 4:37pm PDT
I happen to know INC agrees, he'd tell you himself if he were still alive. by Crying IRL 08/02/2008, 7:45pm PDT
I think INC would've known what an Uzi looks like. He was a movie fan and a Jew NT by Fussbett 08/02/2008, 8:21pm PDT
I was in Vancouver! Pretty much dead. by I need clarification 08/04/2008, 6:45pm PDT
There's an actor calling himself Cory Hart now, he's pretty good looking. by Jerry Whorebach 08/05/2008, 6:11pm PDT
We're talking about the "sunglasses at night" guy, right? NT by Fullofkittens 08/07/2008, 11:19am PDT
I happen to know for a fact that you would also call a soft pine board an "Uzi." NT by Jews know from UZIs. 08/02/2008, 8:22pm PDT
More people know what an "Uzi" is than know what an "S.M.G." is. It's a FACT. by You can't dispute facts. 08/02/2008, 8:33pm PDT
Uzis weigh a ton NT by Chuck D 08/02/2008, 9:28pm PDT
They are the black man's burden :( NT by Jerry Whorebach 08/02/2008, 9:55pm PDT
FACT: Idiots over 30 call them "machine guns." Faggots under 30 call them "MP5s" by Steam's Counterstrike data 08/02/2008, 11:28pm PDT
FACT: NO ONE CALLS THEM KLEENEX ANYMORE, THEY ARE GENERAL PURPOSE TISSUES (GPTS) NT by Fuckin\' gun fetishits, man, I dunno 08/03/2008, 1:13am PDT
The bandaid/bandages thing applied to your stupidity, check. NT by You Fucking Girl 08/03/2008, 2:19am PDT
Thing applied to his stupidity, returning to aspie care facility, OVER. NT by BREAKER BREAKER POP SQUAWK 08/03/2008, 2:34am PDT
Do not forget Taco Bell, over. NT by Fuckin' gun fetishits, man, I dunno 08/03/2008, 8:04pm PDT
They don't, and you are ashamed of how stupid you look. ^_^ NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 08/02/2008, 4:40am PDT
the M3 Grease Gun by utrak 08/02/2008, 3:07am PDT
I like the one sideways-mounted M60, very gangsta. NT by Jerry Whorebach 08/01/2008, 8:30pm PDT
I've told you this before by Lizard_King 08/01/2008, 10:48pm PDT
Yeah, but my guns are better than Zseni's, right? So I look more informed. by Quétinbec 08/02/2008, 12:12am PDT
I might be able to help you out here... by Jerry Whorebach 08/02/2008, 2:20am PDT
Are you a faggot? by Mr. Tidbits 08/02/2008, 11:42am PDT
EXCUSE ME WHAT'S HAPPENING? ;-; NT by Mr. Jellineck 08/02/2008, 3:28pm PDT
Re: Are you a faggot? by Quétinbec 08/03/2008, 6:15am PDT
She's a keeper, mate. NT by Gruman 08/03/2008, 9:11am PDT
Re: Are you a faggot? by Fussbett 08/03/2008, 12:23pm PDT
STOP FUCKING THE MAID NT by I need clarification 08/04/2008, 6:55pm PDT
and marry her! NT by Worm 08/04/2008, 7:06pm PDT
hey another fucking worthless post from the kiddie rapist thanks wormg NT by I need clarification 08/04/2008, 8:07pm PDT
hey whoa, man. *pow* ow, my jaw hurts. by Worm 08/04/2008, 8:27pm PDT
Go creep out half of Caltrops on XBox Live NT by I need clarification 08/04/2008, 11:06pm PDT
Do you mean Steam? Do you mean anything? NT by Worm 08/05/2008, 5:54am PDT
Everyone knows what I mean, including you. You're very popular. NT by I need clarification 08/05/2008, 9:06am PDT
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU by Worm 08/05/2008, 5:09pm PDT
Re: Yeah, but my guns are better than Zseni's, right? So I look more informed. by Lizard_King 08/02/2008, 4:06pm PDT
For Giving Zseni Shit... Any man.. Would give his only begotten son. NT by Johnny Got His Gun 08/02/2008, 5:18pm PDT
Sorry, I was at the range all day yesterday so I missed all this. Did I misread by Zsenitan 08/03/2008, 12:22pm PDT
He'd rather be known as a man with a snake wrapped around his flaccid penis. NT by Gruman 08/03/2008, 6:03pm PDT
Re: Sorry, I was at the range all day yesterday so I missed all this. Did I misr by Quétinbec 08/04/2008, 7:12am PDT
Erect! kirinrin@gmail.com NT by Zsenitan 08/04/2008, 8:18am PDT
Penises delivered. NT by Quétinbec 08/05/2008, 7:03am PDT
Hey, you don't just say nothing when someone sends you a picture of their penis. NT by Quétinbec 08/06/2008, 4:28am PDT
He's right, the correct response is to review it for the front page. NT by Jerry Whorebach 08/06/2008, 4:53am PDT
It looks good in those pics. A strong early morning erection. Not too veiny. NT by Quétinbec 08/06/2008, 5:40am PDT
ITT Zsenitan reviews Quentin Beck's dick by Zsenitan 08/06/2008, 2:03pm PDT
I forgot to mention that the watch was a tacky distraction and ought to disquali by Zsenitan 08/06/2008, 2:05pm PDT
Psh, we already knew the size, that's old news. You just filled in the blanks. by Jerry Whorebach 08/06/2008, 9:54pm PDT
Phew! I thought you'd tricked me into sending them to BDR's email for a while. by Quétinbec 08/07/2008, 5:48am PDT
standingovation@doctors.all NT by Gruman 08/07/2008, 6:45am PDT
ICJ, do you have his email? NT by Quétinbec 08/08/2008, 4:52am PDT
It has his real name, so it'll have to be PMed to you OH WE DON'T HAVE PMS FUCKI NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 08/08/2008, 4:55am PDT
I'm trying to have less cocks sent to my friends in 2008, so it's nothing person NT by Ice Cream Jonsey 08/08/2008, 10:06am PDT
When a forum mod says "nothing personal" you know that shit's gonna go down. NT by motherfuckerfoodeater 08/08/2008, 10:46am PDT
CHOO NT by KOOX 08/08/2008, 11:16am PDT
Nothing's more personal than a cock, ICJ. Even a harmless, hilarious one. NT by Quétinbec 08/09/2008, 12:41am PDT
Is The Novelty Cocks a good band name? NT by motherfuckerfoodeater 08/09/2008, 1:55am PDT
Anything spelt correctly is a good band name. NT by Quétinbec 08/09/2008, 9:17am PDT
Could you please resend this? I wanted to look at it, but I can't find it now. NT by Zsenitan 07/21/2009, 4:30pm PDT
Sorry bitch, you should have been more careful with that thing. NT by Quétinbec 07/21/2009, 5:19pm PDT
Yes I should have. But I won't be happy until it's filling my inbox again - plea NT by Zsenitan 07/21/2009, 6:05pm PDT
I don't send dick shots to people who want them. That's creepy. NT by Quétinbec 07/21/2009, 8:03pm PDT
I didn't say I wanted it. I said I wouldn't be happy without it. I'll send you a NT by Zsenitan 07/21/2009, 8:26pm PDT
Re: You're supposed to embrace the depleted state. by Sadakichi Hartmann 07/29/2008, 3:34pm PDT
Yes. After running I have the greatest bowl of Frosted Flakes any man has ever NT by Fussbett 07/30/2008, 2:09am PDT
I eat more chicken than any man alive oh yeah cuz I'M A BACK by Creexuls, a monster >:3 07/30/2008, 11:25am PDT
I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings NT by Entropy Stew 08/01/2008, 2:44pm PDT
NO BRIAN THOSE CHICKEN WINGS ARE REALLY SPICY NT by Creexuls, a monster >:3 08/01/2008, 4:44pm PDT
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