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Reviews
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by FABIO 08/24/2004, 11:15pm PDT |
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That's another 10 minutes of my life this game has sucked out that I want back.
I'm guessing that, in a world where giant megacongolmorate corporate publishers dictate what is and isn't published based entirely on focus groups and graph charts, one man daring to say no to the system, and stand up for his labor of love against all odds, so that this summer, we can get ready for the greatest action feel good comedy of the year, automatically assigns "indie cred" to a game which immediately makes in un-chic for reviewers and intellectuals to hate it.
Indie cred is what makes otherwise mediocre or worthless games transform into objects of critical praise. It can be gained mostly on the sole fact that almost no one played it, automatically giving snobish goateed gamers something that only THEY "get". In Kohan's case, it's probably a mix of that and the fact that it was made by like 3 people in their garage for $500 (allowing the 30 people who bought it generate a large profit ratio).
Indie games created on a shoestring can be a great thing, as long as the limitations in graphics and production values arent a problem, which is probably why most good indie games are text adventures, rpgs, or simple shooters. With RTS's however, it's a pretty big problem unless you're game is mindblowingly fun, which Kohan most certainly isn't.
Here's the whole game.
-Order up a regiment of half a dozen units. Wait 5 minutes until they're all fully formed and healed outside your town. It really doesn't matter which units, just choose the best at fighting. Everyone lauds the strategic depth with all the unit types, but the deepest I ever saw was "choose unit with bonuses against shadow units when fighting shadow units".
-Set a formation for your unit. Formations affect movement speed and battle effectiveness, which are inversly proportional to each other. Choose high movement formations when you have a large distance to cross over safe ground, choose high combat effectiveness formations when you're about to go into battle.
-Get into a battle, then watch and wait for the entirely automated 2 minute process to conclude.
That's it! Happy hunting!
Just remember, when designing your RTS, only one thing matters to professional reviewers: does it contain supply lines? It worked for the critically acclaimed Seven Kingdoms (even worse than Kohan), and it worked for Kohan. The only thing I remembered about Seven Kingdoms was 85% of the game was trying to keep your economy afloat by trading clay pots with everyone. Kohan is BARELY more fun than that. |
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Here's your goddamn Kohan review by FABIO 08/24/2004, 11:15pm PDT 
Short short version: a shitty realtime HOMM with autoresolved combat NT by Entropy Stew 08/25/2004, 4:35am PDT
Shorter version: Dungeon Siege, except ugly as fuck NT by curst 08/25/2004, 8:55am PDT
Whoops, I forgot: AND WITH SUPPLY ZONES! NT by curst 08/25/2004, 8:57am PDT
Re: Here's your goddamn Kohan review by Ice Cream Jonsey 08/27/2004, 4:23pm PDT
no, just the original Kohan by FABIO 08/28/2004, 12:11pm PDT
Re: no, just the original Kohan by curst 08/29/2004, 2:36pm PDT
Re: no, just the original Kohan by FABIO 08/29/2004, 2:39pm PDT
Re: no, just the original Kohan by William H. Hayt, Jr. 08/29/2004, 3:27pm PDT
Re: no, just the original Kohan by Zseni 08/29/2004, 3:59pm PDT
I hope everybody who read that feels as good about themselves as I do. +) NT by William H. Hayt, Jr. 08/29/2004, 4:13pm PDT
Translated for those who don't read boring by Translator 08/29/2004, 7:22pm PDT
HURRR I don't think and its great and stuff. NT by Dumb Guy 08/29/2004, 7:25pm PDT
You don't know what you're missing. Overanalyzing quips and shit. NT by Smart Guy 08/29/2004, 9:37pm PDT
I don't use words like that and its boring. NT by Dumb Guy 08/29/2004, 9:58pm PDT
U Imp0st3r...duuuuurrrrr.... NT by Reel dUmb g|_|y 08/29/2004, 10:04pm PDT
a/s/l? NT by Dumb Gurl 08/29/2004, 10:08pm PDT
Fun is the hour hand; it's now boring o'clock. Supply zones add 12 hours. NT by Ray of Light 08/29/2004, 8:26pm PDT
She's stuck with a digital watch and all she can do is set her alarm. NT by Pieter 08/29/2004, 10:27pm PDT
Even Ray is right twice a day by Entropy Stew 08/29/2004, 10:42pm PDT
Meant to be in reply to Zseni, but you get the idea NT by Entropy Stew 08/29/2004, 10:44pm PDT
Re: Even Ray is right twice a day by Zseni 08/30/2004, 1:40pm PDT
Re: Even Ray is right twice a day by Smart Guy 08/30/2004, 3:37pm PDT
Re: Even Ray is right twice a day by Zseni 08/30/2004, 4:40pm PDT
Re: Even Ray is right twice a day by Worm 08/30/2004, 4:50pm PDT
What's the Church's position on this thread? NT by Richard the Lionhear-UNF UNF UNF 08/30/2004, 5:00pm PDT
Re: Even Ray is right twice a day by Zseni 08/30/2004, 5:36pm PDT
Re: Even Ray is right twice a day by Worm 08/30/2004, 6:31pm PDT
Please answer yes. by CCHPW 08/30/2004, 7:33pm PDT
Nope. NT by Worm 08/30/2004, 7:45pm PDT
The suffering continues. NT by CCHPW 08/30/2004, 7:53pm PDT
Re: Even Ray is right twice a day by Zseni 08/30/2004, 8:04pm PDT
I took your post for an excuse to wax pedagogical. How wrong I was! by Entropy Stew 08/30/2004, 11:32pm PDT
Re: I took your post for an excuse to wax pedagogical. How wrong I was! by Zseni 08/31/2004, 10:53am PDT
Hur Hur Hur by Senseebl Obs 08/31/2004, 4:06pm PDT
hahaha by FABIO 05/16/2008, 4:19pm PDT
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