Warcraft III

John "Creexul" Cable 01/02/2003 


They're nice.


I don't really care.

Blizzard was kind enough to give Korea its own Warcraft 3 server, so this little girl can kek her heart out against American capitalists.

It's really good to build up a huge army and ravage the enemy base, complete the objectives and do all that happy horse SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then you finish the mission, and it's like, "hey, where the fuck's my huge powerful army?" You're playing as the same people but you have nothing, none of the minerals or lumber or units. It's like 2003 now. This isn't Japan, it's America. The other PC games I have actually remember what I did last. I'm playing this game with a computer, THAT HAS A HARD DRIVE. Get with the fucking times, Blizzard. I HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING HARD DRIVE, YOU FUCKIN IDIOTS.

Eventually, you play to a certain part, and if you have any life or soul left in your withered husk of a human being, you'll just say, "you know what, FUCK THIS BULLSHIT." There are only so many times you have to rebuild an army that you've already built up the last map, while enemies that are actually stronger than the guys that you have attack you occasionally. Every time you fight like a couple enemies, you end up losing a few guys. With a lower supply limit in this game, you only have half the army THAT THE FUCKING ENEMIES DO. They'll have an army like double your size. Why? I have no fucking clue. Suck MY dick you miserable sons of bitches, you fuckin BUMS.

Replay factor:

Playing the game the first time through IS the replay factor, since you're essentially playing the same mission over and over again, which are essentially the Starcraft missions over again minus most of the fun and the larger armies you could have in that game. Even the occasional "facility" levels where you get no resources and you're not supposed to build, but explore, are identical to each other really. They're supposed to break up the monotony of the normal missions, but they're too straightforward and generic. Just select all your dudes, have them attack enemy dudes until you wander your way through a designated ending point.

Here is an item you can put all over your girlfriend's bed to let her know you're a huge fucking pussy.

Some queer fantasy shit. By the way, at the end of the game, a giant tree explodes and kills a giant demon guy. If I wanted to be thrilled by a dramatic climax like that, all I have to do is close my eyes AND FUCKING THINK OF IT. The Diablo 2 ending was cool. Not this fucking bullfucking queertasm.


You didn't get sick of this from Starcraft multiplayer? Then here's a suggestion, go play some Starcraft multiplayer.

Here, some dudes fight a giant purple badger. This is about as much variety as you'll get in this game.

Here is where the game really shines! They let you use cheats that help you skip through the game. I enjoyed this feature very much, because it meant the less time I wasted pushing the "go" button on the "make more dudes, use up more resources because like one enemy came over and killed five of your dudes" machine, and the sooner I got through that aspect of the gameplay, the sooner I got to the interesting part. Which would be uninstalling the game and clearing up space so I could install Medal of Honor, which may have some frustrating total bullshit moments and snipers/machine gunners that can hit you through extremely thick fog AND trees(?????) but at least the game had an M1 Garand. Warcraft 3 has NO fucking M1. What a bunch of fucking bullshit.

M1 Garand:

None. Every single game should have an M1. The only thing that keeps Half-Life from getting an 11 out of 10 is the fact that it has no M1... until you download Day of Defeat, then it has an M1, and Half-Life gets its deserving 11 out of 10 score. Warcraft 3's M1 score would have to be a 0 out of 10.

A woman stretches her jaw muscles (see portrait) while regaling some fantasy shit about fucking soul thrall scream gem spirit grom.

It's got shiny new graphics and it's pretty fun at first. Until they make your character creep around an enemy village. Stealth in an overhead third person RTS? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. Just turn on some of the cheats when you decide you've had enough of the most repetitive gameplay in the universe.

John "Creexul" Cable

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