Just like everyone else, Caltrops can't stop talking about cocks, and now, Iraq. Instead of a lengthy one man review, lets go around the board and get some early feedback on this hot new war.

The graphics are all jerky despite the fact that I just upgraded my TV. Even after constantly pushing back the release date, this war feels rushed. They definitely didn't do enough beta testing back in 1991. I just hope the latest patch fixes the "cruise missile hits the civilian hospital or Chinese embassy instead of the military complex" bug.

The Chinese embassy was user error. Dunno about the hospital. For my part, I'm sick of the "flat, barren desert" levels in the beginning. The enemy AI is pretty shitty, too. Good thing they're easy enough that you can blow through and get to the urban levels quickly.

Bill Dungsroman:
And those are the enemies you even get to shoot. Half the time, they throw up a white flag and blink off the screen - you can't even shoot them. Worse, not only is the end boss the same as it was in the first release, you get a chance to kill him during the opening cut scene. 74/\/\x0r

Caption by: Fabio
While infantry units are rendered more realistically than the latest Command & Conquer game, the explosion and fire effects are very much lacking.

With the unilateral popularity of the multination beta test back in '91, I can't imagine why they decided to scrap that feature and make the final version single player only (with a hotseat option for Britain). As it stands now I find this war to be totally unplayable; hopefully a few months from now we'll see the mod community come up with something to make it more exciting. I hear a Sim City mod is in the works that will allow you to rebuild any deformable terrain and structures you destroyed during the single player campaign. And just like Sim City, the real fun will lie in building everything up then destroying it 12 years later. This promises to be more entertaining then the official upcoming Iraqi Freedom: Reconstruction expansion pack that only adds ONE new building to each side (the voting booth).

I called up tech support about the lack of multinational support. Eventually I got patched through to a dude with a heavy French accent. Not only would he not help me enable the other countries, but he seemed to think that Attaq Iraq was BETTER without the involvement of the additional nations. Then he laughed all Frenchily.

Need I even mention game balance? The weapons are WAY overpowered. It feels like constant God mode, except when flying in a helicopter. Then it automatically switches to Nightmare mode. WTF?

Caption by: Fabio
Just like in Red Alert 2, you'll constantly run into whiners who demand that super weapons be disabled.

Entropy Stew:
I can't understand why nobody just collects all 8 artifacts.

Ice Cream Jonsey:
I know that at least some of you guys have friendly fire off, but that wasn't the case on the server I went to. This one fuckstick on my team just camped at our respawn points and started lobbing grenades like he was the Mad Bomber from "Kaboom."

They seriously need an option to boot team killers like this more easily. Your game is seriously fucked up when frags from friendly fire outnumber your enemy's score 5 to 1. And what the fuck is up with the piss poor collision detection of the chopper vehicles? I've lost five already; two of those being when the atrocious lag caused another helicopter to simply appear right in front of me.

Kick -=(101st)LordPyrite=-? 1:Yes 2:No
USA has voted 1

Caption by: Fabio
Amateur players will choose to destroy oil derricks rather than re-capturing them, ensuring no one receives the additional income.

I like how that Iraqi officer got on camera and was all like OMFG NO RUSHING! Nothing left to do but repeatedly hit the taunt button until the score screen pops up.

[l337]USA: L
[l337]USA: O
[l337]USA: L
S4Dd4m420: STFU F@G
[l337]USA: so easy n00b
S4Dd4m420: h4x0r

S4Dd4m420 has been defeated.

Entropy Stew:
I'm looking more forward to the delayed Hammer Time: Operation Heavy Water expansion, set in tropical North Korea. I think NK's powerful defensive weaponry will prove to be a better counter to the US's infinite resupply than Iraq's easily-converted ground forces. On the other hand, this may lead to constant turtling and long standoffs - let's hope this isn't the case. A recent update to Bush's .plan file says they'd like to outsource this title to a Chinese development shop, but today's competitive market leads me to believe otherwise. I fully expect to see this title published in-house by Congress: East within the next 18 months.

Caption by: Fabio
In 2 on 2 teamplay games, expect your asshole partner to hog all the resources on the map and leave you with nothing.

Gotta Be KD:
I don't know what game you guys are playing. In my beta copy the AI just sat in the middle of the level building towers for like a million years while my guys dragged their slow asses across the map. When I finally got to him it was wicked annoying.

Saddam and Co.: WTF CANT ******* CONECT TO ******* SEVRER, ***!!!!

Bill Dungsroman:
I knew it. They dropped the WMD recovery missions for the final version, yet they still left in gas masks as usable equipment. WHO BETA TESTED THIS COCK-UP?

Caption by: SBDMT
Exclusive to the Xbox version:
the Iraqi SurrenderMobile!

Mr. Palomar:
I have this funny feeling that every time I boot up, the game covertly interfaces with Quicken and fucks around with my taxes.

I Need Clarification:
I don't like this game anymore. In fact, I never wanted to buy it. When the rumors of its release first came out, I kept telling my friends, "I'm not buying it." All of them said they weren't buying it, either. Yet somehow we're all online every night now, trying to keep up with it. Which is ironic, because it's not all that much fun. When one of my own guys gets killed, I feel genuinely sad. Worse, when one of the enemy gets killed, I feel badly for him, too! The story leaves a lot to be desired. They didn't really establish the backstory of the game all that well, so I don't understand why my guys are fighting these other guys. I've read the manual pretty carefully, and there seem to be a lot of rules. But the enemy doesn't follow them all the time, especially in regards to how they treat any of my guys that they capture. I'm trying not to, but I keep going to Gamefaqs to find the cheats so I can start doing it to their guys, too. I think the guy I'm playing against may have hacked his game and is going to use weapons that are banned. Which means I may have to use some of my bigger weapons, which seems kind of ridiculous and a little scary. The worst thing is that it seems to have completely taken over my machine. I want to try out other games, or download music, or really anything other than play this game, but it's using up all my CPU cycles, and I'm pretty sure there's a memory leak in there somewhere, too. Everything is bogged down.

Rent/Buy/Avoid? It's hard to say, no one seems to know just how much playtime it contains. Some speculate it could be finished in a few days, others say it could take months or even years. However if you decide to purchase it at your local retailer, be prepared to run into angry mobs protesting the life-like violence being marketed as entertainment, with clashes coming close to rivaling the most intense of Xenosaga flame wars. Apparently these bozos haven't bothered to check the MA-17 + rating clearly marked on the front of every recruitment office.

Caption by: Entropy Stew

Thanks to FABIO for sparking the idea for this review.

Nope, Fabio didn't do this either
Thanks to Fabio for posting messages in the forum
Some of these reviews are written by Fabio. The others: not.
No Thanks to Fabio here
I've milked this joke enough