World of Warcraft

Jhoh "Creexul" Cable 3/16/2006 

A gay timesink for the whole family.

Cows are the best race in the game and kodos are the best mount.
World of Warcraft is basically a massively multiplayer online role playing game, in these modern high tech days of internet downloading and uh uh uh (UH!!!!!!!!!!!) file PSP to peer sharing trades, where you walk to an area, hit enemies until they die, and watch a little bar go up. If you're lucky, there's a 1 in 1000 chance you will get a cool item with a name that implies you will use it to beat the shit out of more monsters, and you'll use it for the next 20 levels because you won't find anything better. In Korea, you can make 50 games that do that and nothing else, and I guess it sells.

Blizzard has taken the MMO thing and touched it up with some original stuff and put it in one of their gayer, more ridiculous cliched fantasy worlds, Warcraft. This "universe" was previously used for having your group of dudes move to your other group of dudes and hit them until they're dead. That was all changed in Warcraft 3, where the game was suddenly about the evil forces of Zul'gruth joining with the dark lord of Glork'plurn Bonegrip, and how you as the leader of Zul'Gurub Hive'ashi Kel'Thuzad Ner'Zul Zul'Farrak Flalf'hr'kllfffl Gluf'Blfbl Fs'ssaaaaa Nura'fa'Alra Lamarr Alexander #2. And then you switch to the orcs and must save your orc friends from the demonic forces of Zlar'kluurk's undead WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GAYNESS. The entire game's story is summed up as "a bunch of consonants separated by apostrophes." World of Warcraft takes place in this universe (minus destroying enemy fortifications which would've been awesome), but is really more like Diablo 2. This has some pretty positive aspects. If you liked Diablo 2 at all you will like many things in World of Warcraft. And then Blizzard went and fucked it up, and owes all of us a refund and rebate and sign our posts and blue please read FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE OH GOD I HATE YOU BLIZZARD FOREVER


It's the best MMO out there. It's basically like Diablo 3. It's the most polished and optimized-for-gamers game. The well-rested system is a great idea for helping the more casual gamers. You can move while in combat, making the game less about watching your dude's arm swing as a monster's arm swings at you. You can sit to rest like normal but if you move forward it pulls you right out of sitting mode so you don't have to wait for the "getting up" animation like a dumbbell if enemies start hitting you. There's like a hundred little details like this that help make the game easier to get into and play.

Even the most basic of combat classes require some depth of play. The warrior class isn't just about hitting the enemy until they're dead, but about picking the right skills at the right time, and changing your battle stances to get access to more defensive skills or harder-hitting skills. Bloo blee blah stuff like that. Every race and class is carefully balanced properly so even their weaknesses will be offset by bonus strengths. Maybe a mage can only wear cloth armor, but their spells are extremely powerful and they can disable enemy players or monsters with a bunch of skills. Stuff like that. Hey that's............ that's not bad. :(


A closeup of the official Team Snowglobe guild tabard.
Unfortunately, all this is still 10 years behind what MMOs should really be at right now. I sure could make a better game!

The biggest flaw of MMOs period (until the other biggest flaw period, mentioned later in the review) is that they require all your time even to get the most minor pointless things done. Either doing quests or going from one area to another, or sorting your inventory or crafting items. Or all of the above at the same time, which means you'll probably forget about some of them in the process. The game needs a todo list. Just another thing I would include if I could make my own MMO.

In WOW(craft) it's so bad that even when you have finished a bunch of quests and want to stop, you still have to keep going for another 20 minutes to a half hour, just to get back to the town and cash in the quests and maybe bank items and repair your shit and sell some junk and auction this, pick up this mail, talk to this dude, cash in something else, take the NEXT part of the quest yap yap yappity yap jizz trap. My brother came up with a great idea that would've solved some of that, which would be to mail your quest items (like the 12 enchanted wolf cocks for some fetch quest) to the NPC in question and have that count towards cashing in the quest. Again just another way that my brudda and I could make a better game than World of Warcraft.

Story: 0/10

Stupid. They don't even realize, IN THEIR OWN GAME, that they made the alliance (humans, dwarves, faggots) the bad guys who are secretly ruled by an evil dragon thingy. Meanwhile, the horde, which would stereotypically be the bad guys (orcs, badass cow dudes, TROLLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TO THE CHURCH) are actually good guys who for the most part are trying to survive in a world of crazy evil humans secretly controlled by demons and dragons and shit, and all the mysterious OLD EVILS OF OLD(E) that pop up apparently every fuckin month on this retarded universe planet.

Even with the orc side apparently being the good guys, they still put Undead on the horde team, which is basically a bunch of rotting skeletons with skin. Who the fuck would want to play that as a game character? I can imagine wanting to crush it into a bunch of dust with like one hit when you're not even trying, but to put it in the game as a playable race is stupid. All of the undead quests revolve around poisoning dogs and cats, and friendly NPCs. That's not even an exaggeration, there are several uninterrupted quests you get from undead land (who's capitol city is the most poorly laid out and hardest to get around in the whole game) where you slog through several incredibly boring, time-wasting fetch quests to get items to make a "potion" that you "test" on a pet frog, dog, cat, tauren whatever the FUCK. And they die. They don't even learn to fly or use their magic crystal collar to tell you how to use gold to fix their UFO, they just drop dead, and then the dumb undead bitch who made you waste about 5 hours to do this quest (which only gives you a few hundred XP and like 5 silver) says "aaaaaaaa hahaha it works perfectly, also after 10,000 years I'm free." There was even a quest where you gather more of the same old "insert relevance here" item which could be anything as if it even fuckin mattered, and you take it back to find a cure for some poor poisoned tauren chick (FRIENDLY COW BABE). After traveling across continents and countries and running past like 200 hostile enemies to test some tide pools in a distant sea, and then take this junk all the way back, the "cure" is tested on the cow chick and she drops dead, and then the undead guy says something about "it worked better than I expected, I will prepare more samples." This shit doesn't even make sense in a fucking retarded MADE UP game world. But thanks for making me feel like I wasted my time to help the gayest horde race in the game, THANKS BLIZZARD (GIVE REFUND PZL). It also makes me think that they only put the undead race on the horde side to pad out their list of playable races.

At the same time, one of the stock bad guys inherently hostile to both factions is the "scourge." Apparently no one at Blizzard fact checked to find out that the "scourge" is the undead units from Warcraft 3. So why is the undead on the same side that's fighting itself? There is probably some ridiculous and boring backstory explaining this in the game, full of names with unnecessary apostrophies, and a lack of vowels.

Races: 2/10

There are four on each faction side, so that's.................... eight? IT'S EIGHT!

Since most of the races are basically the same, aside from some very minor racial bonus skills and stat boosts, which are barely worth SHIT, they can still be ranked by how cool they are (such as how they look, their mounts, their emotes or whatever). The rank goes like this, from best to worst: taurens, humans, orcs, trolls, dwarves, undead, gnomes, night elves. So taurens, the cow people, are basically the coolest race in the game (and also the biggest, hot), as they were in Warcraft 3 where they were introduced. Humans are the best alliance race, and female humans are the hottest female race while male taurens are the hottest male race which isn't even gay or nothin because taurens are so objectively great (not that there's anything wrong with that). And of course night elves are the biggest bunch of buttfucking faggots, possibly in game history. Anyone who voluntarily (or even involuntarily) plays a night elf is a horrible player and a horrible person; the kind of scumfucking loser you cringe at even imagining, who is most likely such a total mouthbreathing dweebdork that they draw horrible fanart of themselves as their night elves and cosplay as them, and get into huge fights with other players over ridiculous miniscule shit, and are obnoxiously whiny. I'm just assuming this, because I haven't known any night elf players, but I'm objectively right. Also Blizzard should add a feature in the game where you can dump a night elf's books.

Some people (and by people I mean "fags") play this for the storyline, which is retarded. Even if you were taking this game's "lore" seriously for even a minute, you should be snapped out of it by the time you are confronted with the ridiculous races, like the trolls being stereotypical Jamaicans, which I don't even understand. It's like, they're trolls........... from Jamaica? Do they have a Jamaica from wherever these trolls were from? Is there a Jamaica universe that the trolls (and actual Jamaicans ON OUR PLANET) have accidentally come through? And then the taurens, while awesome cow people (especially if you are a gay furry who likes to "yiff" with your "kits" or grab their neck fur in your sexy jaws or whatever retarded shit you do) are also stereotypical Native American Indians with totems and beliefs in ridiculous spirits, the only difference between Native Americans and taurens is that the mystical Earth Mother nature spirits and shit in World of Warcraft are supposed to be real, and the Native American spirits are NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. And then Orcs are Klingons I guess. They couldn't even be a stereotype of a real human ethnicity, like the other horde races. And then the night elves, which are stereotypes of "buttfucking faggots" and anime fans who think that anime is real.

Multiplayer: 4/10

The world design for the most part is pretty good. :(
The ultimate failing of MMOs, besides them being gay time sinks, is that you have to play them with other players. That means you'll constantly run into people, even at level 60, who seem to have no clue what they are doing, ever, because even at the end game they are still somehow dumb newbs. What's worse is that as an MMO there are hundreds of other people running around the same world as you, therefore justifying the idea of having to be in raid groups to get anything done at the end of the game. This is completely impossible and pointless in "pugs" or "pick up groups," which are the random retarded assfuck newbs you find around the game. Most people do these dungeons within guilds, and only in guilds. So that means everyone in the end game guild with like 500 members will do the cool 40 player dungeons, and everyone else has to sit around with their thumb in their ass. You absolutely cannot play with just your 6 or 7 pals you know personally, because you'll still need another 3 or 4 or 20 dumbasses to fill spaces in the party. And usually the newbs will get your entire raid party killed by running off alone and drawing in the raid strength enemies, and some warrior loots priest equipment that becomes unsharable when it's picked up. Then the newbs get screamed at and everyone starts yelling at each other instead of playing. Blizzard hasn't thought of a way to get around this. I guess I shouldn't blame Blizzard for not being me.

Night Elves Being Gay: 10/10!

I'm not sure how this is possible, but there might be some super secret coding in the game that makes you hate night elves if you play on the horde side. Some of the only backstory in the game that isn't worthless is that the taurens (cow dudes) have a deep hatred of the night elves, going back many many years. And after playing as a tauren, because they're the best race in the game, I ended up hating night elves. Especially since most night elves, aside from looking really stupid with their 2 foot ears and shit, seem to be played by the kind of person who runs around LARPing in Wal-Mart flapping their vampire capes, collecting Nightmare Before Christmas figurines, getting into fist fights with their friends for bending the corners of their Yugioh cards, thinking they can turn invisible IN REAL LIFE, while roleplaying in the game and talking to other players like "o thou hast found thine fishing trainer" AND THAT IS THEM TALKING ABOUT THEIR OWN CHARACTER IN THE THIRD PERSON (wow that's bad). Usually they are part of the motherfuckers and will steal your fuckin CLOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG. Narnia.

Usually night elves are the people you see on PVP servers killing horde players 20 or 30 levels below them thinking it's just because they are so strong and badass, until someone their own level shows up and they immediately cloak, and will stay there for an hour or two waiting for a chance to kill newbs again. Unless they are found out, then they start bunny hopping around in a circle like a bunch of Kansas City FAGGOTS, which doesn't even help while the other player pounds them into hamburger, causing the night elf player to flail his noodle arms at his computer while going REEEEEE, cranking his linkin park CDs, all without retaining a single shred of dignity. But I guess I should not judge people who just want a Second Life............... AS A FAGGOT.

Crippling Failures: (this doesn't need a rating, but 10/10)

Besides the game simply ending when you get to level 60 if you happen to be playing with just a few of your friends, until you get to level 40 and can finally buy a mount, you will walk everywhere. Miles and miles of just plain walking. Bind a key to autowalk if you don't want to hold down the "forward" key for 10 straight minutes. Diablo 2 was known as a timesink because it kept you wanting to play more and more. This is a timesink because it forces you to protract your actions over a giant amount of time. Want to do a quest? Set aside a full hour, no matter how small the reward or pointless the objective is. They throw so many retarded fetch quests at you to further waste your time, where they want you to collect 20 slitherlurk slaghurfs toenails or whatever the fuck pointless item, but you'll usually only get one of them for every 5 kills. Add it all up and it's a half hour to collect pointless fetch quest item #324324978324890sdpfsdioatr what's the fuckin POINT ANYMORE

You can craft items in this game, which is helpful until about level 50 when all the items you'll really want will require farming 40 player raid zones for months to gather a bunch of rare random drop items, and you will need to find a way to get your profession skill PAST THE END GAME MAXIMUM to get these items. If you do this, you can't get into battlegrounds, leaving you almost nothing you could simply play alone or in small groups. When you hit 60, unless you know about 40 other people who are going to do those giant end game raid instances, you are completely done with the game and have nothing else to do, unless you want to fish forever, or grind battlegrounds for hours each day for a month to get higher ranks just to get a black kodo or better armor. Armor you will do what with? More NOTHING? Catch fish? Try to keep getting BETTER armor? Wait, you could fight a big purple dragon! Or an old ancient evil that is rising to destroy the world much in the same way the last 20 old(e) evil(e)s of old(e) did in most of the dungeons you do from level 40 on even though if one world, even a fantasy one, was being attacked by that many giant powerful armies you'd think that at least one of them would win or the world would explode or something. What is the fucking point? WHAT'S THE POOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNT

Since the game has been out for a year, most of the end game quest lines involve word of mouth through the servers to figure out when to do them, where, and for what. No one does this, so the game requires a bunch of wiki sites to progress, making any actual text within the game, which could've been used to oh I dunno actually point out what you should do, completely pointless.

Another dumb thing about MMOs is they'll always have some pointless block of text supposedly describing your quest. If they do properly, it'll tell you at least a general direction where you should go, what you should be killing and/or collecting, and where you should go to cash in your completed quest. Some quests don't, and require you to go on one of those dumb wiki sites that suggest you install the plugin to help create macros to use the site within the game until you realize you have just become a total fucking loser writing macros and having plugins that farm information off wiki sites JUST TO PLAY THIS GAME.

M1 Rating: 0/10

NO FUCKIN M1. No ragdolls. No gravity gun. No blowing up buildings. No mechs stomping through a forest as guitars dunt. Instead you must craft snowglobes and deliver them to a table in under 0 seconds. Aaaaaaaaaand....... go.

The better MMO I came up with while playing WOW that would fix all the problems currently inherent in MMOs: 10/10!

Yep, I'm pretty good.

Final Verdict"

This game is for girls and other FAGS.

Jhoh "Creexul" Cable