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Due to
an ingenius plot twist in the now future Metal Gear Solid 3,
I was able to travel back in time from when the game was (or will
be) released in America, to just days after the E3 show. I won't
tell you when it will be released, I would like to save that as a
surprise for you, readers!
However, the new Metal Gear Solid
game will feature not only very nice graphics and fun tactical
espionage action, it will feature coding that lets you travel
through time, for real. The best part is that it all ties in with
the plot, where Snake travels back to the 1960s, when acid was
legal. He buys an entire sheet of tabs, chews on all of them, and
begins his adventure, as do you your's.
It turns out that
the jungle seen in the trailers which have been released about...
now, is indeed imaginary, as I predicted so many years ago when I
was young and stupid. I am much much smarter now, but I was still
always right about Snake hallucinating the entire game. It actually
takes place in Snake's bathroom, explaining the humid climate, the
stench of corpses, and the "snakes" that he eats. I will leave some
of those surprises for you to discover as well, however.
The
jungle areas aren't actually in the game, they're in a cutscene at
the beginning where Snake wanders around a jungle, kills a guy in
thermal vision mode, lots of stuff explodes around him, and dogs
chase him off a waterfall. And then after that, you're in an exact
recreation of Metal Gear Solid 2, including all of the original
voice work and such, except in Raiden's place is Snake, and in
Snake's place is Raiden. They don't swap voices though. So that
means Snake sounds like a pussy. :(
After you play through
the entire recreation of Metal Gear Solid 2, you are suddenly back
in a jungle, at the entrance to a very large underground high-tech
facility where the enemy seems to be stationed. The ground opens up
and a large island seems to lift out of the jungle, containing the
entire enemy base, with many spider-like arms coming out of it. Then
the game resets and it erases your save, because you're not supposed
to have finished MGS2.
There are several steps needed to
proceed through the game.
- Find a corner of a room about 5 hours in, between two specific
plotpoints of the game, use the directional microphone on the
corner, and push the triangle button 200 times.
- A secret door will open on a random strut of the Big Shell
facility, but it will be invisible so you'll have to knock on
every wall in the entire MGS2 game to find it (apparently it is
possible for the hidden door to be in a place that only appears in
a cutscene, so you will never have an opportunity to find it and
must instead start the entire game over again).
- Your knock will be 1 decibel louder than knocks on the rest of
the walls in the game.
- You must face this wall in first person mode and push the
triangle button 200 times.
- The door will open and you'll have to fight 30 of those Metal
Gear Ray mechs with no rations and half of your normal maximum
health. By the way, for those of you who are curious, there will
be a "director's cut" version of MGS3 that consists only of this
section of the game.
After that, a cutscene then
shows Snake becoming non-coporeal and flying out of his body. He
flies into the air, out of the planet's atmosphere, and then into
the moon, flying down through the ground of the moon into a large
hollow near the moon's core. He finds non-coporeal aliens here, has
a very long and complicated discussion about the nature, texture,
creation, and ethical principles of peanut butter, in a 5 hour long
cutscene. The cutscene is spoken in a language that doesn't actually
exist (it's supposed to be an alien language) but fortunately there
are subtitles. Many gamers feel it makes up for the fact that you
can not skip any cutscenes in this game.
After this scene, a
game of Tetris starts out of nowhere, and you must get a tetris
within 5 minutes, which isn't too hard... except for the moody and
edgy music that is playing in the background, and the fact that the
game board looks wild and colored in a way that implies creepiness.
According to Hideo Kojima, this Tetris game is meant to be symbolic
of something about humanity or some shit, to tell the truth I can't
really keep track of these stupid ass Jap plot twists. I think it
had something to do with life being short and sometimes things are
scary. After the Tetris game, you get a CODEC call from various
characters explaining why this Tetris game is like life and it's
weird and creepy and all that. It goes on for so long that
eventually you forget everything that everyone says. In fact, there
may be coding in the game that intentionally makes you forget what
people say. Some designers have tried going through the code to find
if there's anything that would cause that to happen, but after
looking at the code for long enough, they forgot what they were
looking for and quit.
Anyway, after all this, you finally
float back down to Earth, in the secret base of the Patriots. This
is where the ultimate use of stealth comes in... because you're a
ghost! Therefore you have to hide from every person, camera, wall,
door, elevator, stairway, and molecule of air. This is because you
are inherently hiding from all of these things, what with you having
no body. You float through the gigantic base, eventually finding a
large computer bank. There's a 10 hour cutscene here of the Patriots
telling you that they need to rule the country because without order
there is chaos and without chaos there is order, and then Snake
rebuts them by saying that no single group can rule over so many
humans, because humans have free wills, and then the Patriots rebut
him and Snake rebuts them and it goes on and on back and forth
without the ability to save or turn off the game (if you try to, it
erases your entire memory card) until 10 hours later Snake unleashes
a mystical EMP attack and wipes out all the computers (there's a
cool "easter egg" secret here, where if you push the triangle button
as this is happening, your Playstation 2 will send out an EMP pulse
and erase every hard drive, video tape, and audio cassette in your
house, along with making your microwave explode, spewing radiation
everywhere).
After this you fly towards the surface, and
once you get back into Snake's body, you find out that the planet is
ruined and everyone is dead. This is never explained why, but it's
here where, if you hold triangle, you can travel back in time. Snake
begins to talk about wishing he could travel back in time, and when
you hold triangle here, your PS2 explodes, sending out an inverse
tachyon pulse, rupturing the fabric of space/time and sending you
back in time to a random time previous to MGS3's release, but within
at least ten years.
If you choose not to travel through
time, there's a cutscene of Otacon walking into Snake's apartment,
after following him back through time. He goes into the bathroom and
finds Snake passed out in the tub, filled with green water (from
some kind of strange green bath salts that Snake has added). Otacon
falls to his knees and begins to cry in slow motion for about 20
minutes, with many many many many tilted-angle overhead shots, as
Otacon sobs loudly. This scene really shows off the brilliant
graphics engine coded into MGS3! When Otacon is finished crying, he
starts crying again, even louder. This goes on for a full minute
when Snake finally wakes up, jumps out of the tub (with his "Zone of
Enders 4" boxer shorts on, thankfully). Then, the entire screen
flashes red and white rapidly (about 5 red pulses per second) for a
full minute. This is put in to distract you possibly with a seizure.
If you're epileptic, I strongly recommend you purchase the seperate
"Metal Gear Solid 3 brand espionage action epilepsy protection
goggles," which are sold from Japan for about 50,000 yen. You can
only pay yen for these, they won't accept American dollars. They're
really just goggles with black spraypaint over them. Anyway, after
this, if you aren't having a seizure, you immediately fight Otacon.
This is really easy since you just punch him once and then hit the
square button to snap his neck, but you have to do this before he
can grab a gun and shoot you (one hit will kill you, and of course
it will also erase your save).
After Otacon is dead, you
tear his head off and immediately go into a hallucination where you
are playing basketball with his head. You don't play against anyone,
but you have to make five 3-point shots in 10 seconds. Fortunately,
if you don't do this, it lets you try again, as opposed to erasing
your save.
After this, there is a cutscene where Raiden
wakes up and says, "IT WAS ALL A DREAM" in that fuckin faggoty voice
of his, that fucking faggot. No offense to the voice actor, who I'm
sure is a nice guy and I think did a fine job of voicing Raiden in
MGS2. Anyway, after this there is a very complicated mini game where
Raiden has to attempt to wedge his dick out of Rose's ass by
memorizing and pressing an incredibly complex series of button
presses, occasionally combined with stick or game pad movements. If
you succeed in this, you finally get a screen that says "THE END."
And then your television explodes.
OVERALL
Better than Half-Life 2 by far. Which means of course that
it's better than Halo 2, which might as well just forget about being
released because Half-Life 2 is going to have people buying it so
many times for such a long time that Halo 2's sales are going to be
something like 40 copies, Bungie will lose millions of dollars, and
eventually go bankrupt and end with several sporadic mass suicides
and they will all suck cocks in hell for even considering of
releasing a game within 100 years of Half-Life 2. For some reason,
the thousands of other games that will be released in the next 100
years will not have their companies going bankrupt. I don't know
why, it's crazy.
 Jhoh Creexul
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