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Baltimore Ravens
|  | | | | Most of you may not be up on your real-life football villians, so I'll try to compare them to evil of a more comic nature. Here we have Ravens coach Brian Billick as the NFL's version of Lex Luthor. Picking Billick over, say, Ray Lewis (who actually killed a couple guys) hopefully drives the point home here. | |
The Ravens were supposed to still be rebuilding, goddamnit. It’s no secret: I hate them. I hate Brian “Fuck them!” Billick (actual quote from Billick referring to the Titans after beating them and advancing to the Worst Superbowl Ever), I hate Jamal “Fuck the law!” Lewis, I hate Art “Fuck fans!” Modell, And I hate the Ravens’ “Fuck Style!” uniforms and logo. Is it a pissed-off bird or a queer shield crest? Only the Murder Capital of the World knows for sure. I hate that they blew their cap wad on their Superbowl win and succeeded, I hate that they fired their winning Superbowl QB Trent Dilfer, and I hate that they won their division just two years later.
Curiously to some, I do not hate LB Ray Lewis. I hate his pre-game dance moves, but I have all the rhythm of a third grade glockenspiel player. Don’t let the typical stereotype of the Selfish Popular Player hang on Ray-Ray, nor the fact that he allegedly stabs people; he’s a huge team-player guy who motivates and trains with all of his defensive teammates as much as possible. The Ravens went 10-6 and their defense finished third overall due in large part to Lewis’ play and teamwork ethic. He’s also upped his muscle weight by 10-15 pounds, which means he will hit guys even harder this year. The defense revolves around him, but he’s definitely not alone. It starts at nose tackle, the fulcrum upon which the Ravens’ (or any teams’) 3-4 Defense balances. And Balty couldn’t ask for a better NT than Kelly Gregg. I wonder how he’d play if he was four inches taller and 50 pounds heavier; at six foot nothing and 305 – considered undersized by NT standards – Gregg plays that big already. I’m thinking his background in wrestling is what helps Gregg toss aside interior offensive lineman and glom onto RBs with such skill. Likewise, the Ravens’ ends are small but athletic enough to make up for their dimensional shortcomings. DE Anthony Weaver and Marques Douglas are quick, relatively small guys. Like a NT, it’s tough to be a small DE in the 3-4, since they have to clog the inside running lanes along with the NT, but the Ravens’ have some phat schemes in place to counter that, some nice stuff left over from former defensive coordinator Marvin Lewis’ playbook. Plus, the 3-4 requires LBs to line up as ends on many plays (to bolster the line to five guys when necessary), and we all know Ray is up for some line of scrimmage hits. Although, in reality, Lewis is one of the inside guys (ILB Ed Hartwell, no slouch himself, returns to line up aside Lewis); OLBs Peter Boulware and last season’s NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year Terrell Suggs will be the guys to bolster the line.
At safety, FS Ed Reed is one of the league’s best. He creates some monster plays in the middle of the field, the spot where the West Coast Offense (and the more prevalent bastardized version thereof) works in. He’ll blitz you, too. The Ravens should become a blitz-happy team like the Eagles; they’d roll teams if they did. But excessive blitzing is tough on players, and most of the defensive starters are counted on to play most or all of the downs. I feel bad for SS Will Demps; he’s unquestionably starter material, but that asshole Billick wants Tony Parrish or an exact duplicate of him (big, malicious hitter type) at strong safety, of which Demps is more a finesse player. I asked Billick what finesse meant, and he told me only fags speak French. One reason the Ravens can handle blitzing whenever they damn well please is that CBs Chris McAlister and Gary Baxter are dope. How can two dudes with their impressive size still blanket the field with such agility? Who knows, but they sure do it. Apparently the Ravens aren’t feeling all that secure in the secondary, so they brought in Deion Sanders, now 37. Thanks guys, I had been looking for a new reason to hate you. Don’t tell me he’s going to start. Oh, that would be so funny. They play at Cleveland in week one; QB Jeff Garcia is going to light that side of the field up. I expect Sanders to occasionally diddle around in nickel and dime, but he’s still going to get schooled. There was a poll on nfl.com, “How many interceptions will Deion Sanders get?” Less than half the people who replied to the vote did not pick “Two or less.” In other words, more than half of people who visit nfl.com and vote are complete fucking idiots. Surprisingly enough, Sanders isn’t the worst addition to the secondary the Ravens made this year. Why the Hell did they sign Dale fucking Carter? I hope he serves up some of his typical locker room bullshit and Ray swirlies him in Kelly Gregg’s toilet, while Gregg’s still on it.
Oh, by the way: the Ravens offense sucks. It might not except for four things: Kyle Boller, Kordell HAHAHAHA Stewart, Anthony “Can’t Get It” Wright, and The People vs. Jamal Lewis. The former three are the top three QBs on the Ravens’ roster. DYK? Boller and Stewart were the worst two starting QBs last year, and now they’re on the same team! With Anthony Wright, whose nickname I didn’t make up, his former Cowboys teammate OL Larry Allen did when he introduced him before a Sunday night game. You will do penance for firing your Superbowl-winning QB, Brian. Some say it’s Boller’s year. It ain’t. Plus, I predict Jamal Lewis’ off-field legal issues will impact his play, what’s become known as the Kobe Effect. He’s still a great runner and as long as doesn’t get suspended, he’ll get 1,500 on the ground. It will be mostly in vain though. Why else does the Ravens’ O blow? The receiving corps has no standout #1 guy. Kevin Johnson was #1 for the first half of the season in Cleveland, but he’s a dumbass and they kicked him. Going out #1 is usually great KJ, but not that way. Oh boy, more locker room poison. He won’t play good enough to demand double teams, so nobody gets any room to work. Sorry, Travis Taylor (you drop the ball, anyway) and Randy Hymes (who didn’t even play last year due to injury). And last but certainly not least, OT Jonathan Ogden is great, but he’s the only OL on the team that can block the pass well. The rest of the guys are great in run, but what are they going to do if/when Jamal gets suspended?
The Ravens, for all that, are still not out of the running for a playoff spot. The best QB in their division is newcomer Jeff Garcia for the Browns, and the Ravens annihilated Garcia’s Niners when they last met. So they can still own their division. But, that godawful offense shows no signs of improvement unless Boller suddenly spikes in play ability and magically gains the knack for scrambling and avoiding sacks. The former, maybe; the latter, most definitely not. So, Wild Card washouts at best again for these guys.
Cincinatti Bengals
|  | | | | Jon Kitna is probably the most religious player in the league, and God was right there to help him get demoted to known pre-marital sex indulger Carson Palmer's second-string QB sidekick. I couldn't really find a religious superhero, but I recall that belief in Judiasm has done wonders for Doc Samson in so much as that the Hulk has crammed his foot up the Doc's ass so many times it's turned his hair green. | |
Could it be? 8-8 for the
Bungles? How big was the ticker-tape parade for that shining achievement? Coach Marvin
Lewis was decidedly nonplussed at the Bengal’s non-losing, no-winning finish,
however. I gues he’s a glass-is-half-empty kinda guy. He thinks he ought to be
winning the Superbowl by now. BABY FUCKING STEPS, Marv. Hey thanks Jon Kitna, now sit on
the bench. Lewis says Carson Palmer is ready. I’m betting he isn’t, not
entirely. He still forces the ball too much, a bad idea in that division. I’m betting that if they start Palmer the
whole season (or even part of it and then get cold feet and throw Kitna back in), they’ll
still only go 8-8. Here’s why. They’ll get the eight wins based on the receiving
corps, the running game, and the defensive front seven. The Bengal’s WR corps as a
unit is probably the best the team has ever had. Chad Johnson idolizes Jerry Rice, and his
work ethic is no less demanding than the Great One’s. The dude shows up for camp and
never leaves. During the season, he fucking sleeps on a couch in the clubhouse in order to
start his workouts at around 5 AM. Plus, he’s talented as Hell, with a great set of
hands, great burst off the line, and Rice-esque concentration. All this from a dude I
nicknamed “Who?” last year. He just needs to work on his blocking. Peter Warrick
is officially the #2 WR, but he works out of the slot, where his shorter size doesn’t
matter as much. He’s great there, anyway. Kelly Washington is the outside burner who
laughs at press coverage. And who can forget TJ Houshmandzadeh? Not the guy who stencils
the Bengals’ jerseys, that’s for sure.
At RB, we have monster inside
runner Rudi Johnson. He gets stronger as the game goes on, and he’s not bad running
outside either. The defensive line now boasts Daryl Gardener (released from Denver), along
with returnee John Thornton, who earned his free agency paycheck last year well enough.
DEs Duane Clemons and Justin Smith are quality pass-rushers. The depth for the whole line
isn’t bad, either, although they’re a little light on experienced ends. The LB
corps rocks, though: SLB Kevin Hardy is moved over from the middle because he kind of
sucked there last year. He’s a way better fit on the strong side, due to his run
stuffing ability. Taking his place is Nate Webtser, a swift, big hitter who works sideline
to sideline with admirable skill. WLB Brian Simmons has terrific range as well, so well
that his presence will allow Simmons and Hardy to blitz more.
Cincy’s eight losses,
however, will come from inadequacies in the secondary and the fragility of the offensive
line. Although OTs Willie Anderson and Levi Jones are elite, Jones is rehabbing a bum knee
and their primary back up, Stacy Andrews, is a rookie (a good one, though). The rest of
the line is pretty good, but there are injury and skill concerns. C Rich Braham is good
enough and LG Eric Steinbach was a good pass-blocker even with a bum elbow. But, RG Bobbie
Williams isn’t so hot at pass-blocking, regardless of his run-blocking ability. And
the big thing is, depth is a serious concern. The defense finished 28th overall
last season, and the improvements made to it aren’t significant enough to get excited
about. At safety, there’s SS Rogers Beckett, who’s like a Free-With-Plan cell
phone: serviceable until you get too far out, then he’s kaput. FS Kim Herring isn’t much help either,
except vs. run. Lots of short-to-medium range action, fuck-all deep. Now, Cincy did
upgrade the CBs, getting faster and more aggressive guys. Tory James in a master in press
coverage, and ex-Bronco Deltha O’Neal is renowned for his wont to take chances for
the big play. But O’Neal was brought in to be a solid nickelback, not a starter.
However, I believe Deltha clandestinely hired some thugs to plow their car into Dennis
Weathersby’s ride and take him out of starting status. Nice play, Deltha; too bad you’re
still not starting material, and you’ll get schooled on deep routes. So, is James
good enough to cover the deep zones all by his own self? Yeah, nobody’s that good.
What does all of this spell, kids? PASS ON CINCINNATI, in more ways than one, although a
chance at a Wild Card spot is not out of the question. That might piss off Marvin Lewis,
but Bengals’ season ticket holders will cream themselves at the thought of a playoff
berth, any playoff berth.
Cleveland Browns
|  | | | | Tim Couch, depicted in the NFL's version of super deformed 3D graphics known as the "bobblehead doll" once cried so much after getting booed on the road against Pittsburgh that they had to rename the venue "Four Rivers Stadium." Water Wizard can control water and uses it to rob banks. Tim Couch doesn't rob banks, although come to think of it the signing bonus he got from Cleveland after being picked, badly, at number one overall was sort of robbery. | |
What do you do when your
offense comes in 26th? Fire the OC, of course. So in comes Terry Robiskie. What’s
he going to do that’s so great? Well, he gets new QB Jeff Garcia, for one. But also,
he brings with him an apparently fresh philosophy to the Browns. His big idea? Change the
offensive play-calling to counter opposing defense’s adjustments from the beginning
of the game. ARE YOU LISTENING KEVIN GILBRIDE? HAHA too late. Back to Jeff: I sure hope
Robiskie is looking to work the middle of the field and ignore the deep stuff, because
Garcia has proven that he’s a master at the shorter ball and pretty lame at anything
deep. Like a strip club in Salt Lake City, man; no touch.
Aw, who needs it? Jeff helmed his Niners to yet another top-five finish in
total offense last year, for which he was told to take a pay cut or get cut. So, he did
the right thing, and let those incompetent Fog City clowns cut him and become the best
waiver wire QB since Rich Gannon back in the late 90s. His phone rang off the fucking hook
with offers from various clubs, and Jeff went with Cleveland. I think he was hoping for
Oakland – he’s a home-grown Bay Area boy – but I like his choice.
The Browns just could not for
the lives of themselves figure out their QB problems. Kelly Holcomb is the best bench QB
next to the Titans’ Billy Volek, but he just couldn’t take off as a starter. And
Tim Couch is a fag, crying when the frustrated Cleveland fans boo his inconsistent play.
Flashes of brilliance become more and more faded as time goes on, especially in Cleveland,
who is always searching for new ways to lose. Couch has gone on to take the easiest job in
the NFL, being Brett Favre’s backup, so it’s Holcomb at #2, his best spot. Jeff
is motivated to win with this club. He started making calls the day he landed in
Cleveland, asking WR Dennis Northcutt to stay and catch some of Jeff’s sweet
over-the-middle tosses (especially on third down, where Northcutt excels), and petitioned
rookie TE Kellen Winslow to quit screwing around and sign his contract so he can get some
pre-season snaps and get into a rhythm. WRs, TEs, FBs, RBs, all these guys get grabs with
Garcia under center (although Robiskie wants FB Terrelle Smith to block more than catch,
but it’s to open things up for the TEs, which there will be three in heavy rotation).
He passes around the ball with Dan Marino-esque generosity. What’s great here is,
starting WRs Andre’ Davis and Quincy Morgan are big guys who can go over the middle
with ease, real West Coast-type WRs. How else does this team look like Jeff’s former
Niners, the team he kept taking into the playoffs? The one-two punch of RBs William Green
and Lee Suggs. Green has the speed, Suggs the muscle, a great tandem. The line looks
pretty good, too. If C Jeff Faine stays healthy, he’s as dependable as Garcia’s
former center, Pro Bowler Jeremy Newberry. There’s a good bench and I expect to see
guys rotating in and out to keep fresh and protect Jeff, who doesn’t necessarily need
the world’s greatest line so succeed. He’s still fearless and refuses to
slide-tackle.
How else is Cleveland like
Jeff’s old Niners? The defense is suspect. The DTs are not in and of themselves,
however. Orpheus Roye is still puttin’ it to work; his quick first step takes him
into the backfield with alarming regularity. Gerard Warren always shows up on Sundays, but
I know coach Butch Davis hates the way he dogs it during practice. The back ups are
quality as well. But, at end..? DE Kenard Lang is a proven starter, and he hassles the QB
as good as any, but you can run right by him if you’ve got the blocking and the
speedy RB. The hope is Courtney Brown will Take It To The Next Level TM, or
incoming Ebenezer Ekuban will win the starting job. The potential problem? Ol’
Lemon-Squeezer is another guy who rocks the pass rush yet muffs the run plugging. There
are too many top-tier RBs in the league (Hell, in the AFC North) to have this much
potential inadequacy in run defense. Maybe the linebackers will help. It looks like they
will: here are three guys who all played together last year, and they’re all only in
their third year. MLB Andre Davis led the club in tackles and nabbed team MVP awards for
his hustle. Ben Taylor, who made a lot of big plays last year, will go at strong side,
with Warrick Holdman on weak. Kevin Bentley isn’t so hot against the pass but he’ll
figure in big during the course of the game, and there are some other quality bench guys.
The secondary is pretty run-of-the-mill, sadly. FS Earl Little is great at getting to the
ball – unless an opponent is holding it and running with it, anyway. But he’s
the best they got, since SS Robert Griffith is now in the twilight of his career. Look for
second-year guy Chris Clocker to replace Griffith at some point, or not and watch the
secondary fall apart. CB Daylon McClutcheon and Anthony Henry are good dues but not
outstanding. If Daryl Mac got some confidence and Henry kept his goddamned eye on the ball
and/or the guy he’s defending when the ball is in the air, these guys could become
elite. They ain’t right now, and the rest of the CB crew are clowns.
The Browns are still due to
improve this year, as long as Butch Davis coaches them at or above their talent level.
They should at least take second in their division and could even challenge for the #1
spot if Baltimore crumbles as I think they might.
Pittsburgh Steelers
|  | | | | Depicted on the right is Jerome Bettis, whose nickname is The Bus. On the left we have Miracle Man, who was shot dead in the face on a bus. | |
Note to QB Tommy Maddox:
finishing 22nd overall in offense does not secure your job. However, Bill
Cowher rarely gets antsy in preseason in terms of QB positioning, so it’s quite
literally your spot to lose. The Steelers go 1-3, you’re out, and Ben Roethlisberger
is in. Go 3-1, however, and Cowher will let Ben marinate and learn the offense – I
imagine he’s still gunshy over tossing new QBs under center too quickly. Charlie
Batch is #3 and a good idea, since the notion of an injured Maddox and a flailing
Roethlisberger isn’t too crazy to imagine. Plus, Pitt has a pretty good offense
otherwise for Maddox to run, so why not make the most of it? WR Hines Ward is, quite
simply put, the most complete WR in the league. He’s by no means a burner, but he
gets open with silly regularity, he’s great on any route (especially the middle), he’s
a terrific blocker, and – my favorite – he’s always smiling. Guys who got
game and smile like they’re really having fun out there are great. Plaxico Burress
needs to learn from Ward. Sure, he’s got talent, but he needs to refine it like
nobody’s business, and few match Ward for technique. Plus, Burress is fucking
invisible in the red zone. DYK? Antwaan Randle El is only five foot nine. How the Hell was
he ever a “Slash” with one of those positions being QB? Worse, he’s
supposed to be the slot guy. There aren’t many successful short slot guys out there;
Wayne Chrebet and nobody is my working list. The only real problem is OC Mike Mularkey
left to coach the Bills, and Cowher never balks when a new OC (see, the Steelers’
front office always fired the OC after losing seasons instead of Cowher) implements a new
system. But, the new OC is former Steelers TE coach Ken Whisenhunt, so there’s some
continuity at least.
RB Jerome Bettis has finally
accepted that he’s no longer an every-down back. I always liked him, like I like Fred
Taylor, big rumbling dudes with a surprising burst. Any guy who gets run so far out of
bounds he ends up on the bench, then sits on it and crosses his legs in mock relaxation
can play on my team any day. So, he’ll get less snaps (rather, the same sum total
just spread out over the whole season and minus his varied and sundry injuries) and Duce
Staley takes the reigns. Fuckin’ Duce: he leaves Philly because he didn’t like
being #1 of 3, so he moved to Pitt where he’s #1 of 2. Ookay, Duce. What I like
better is, Duce gets hurt as often as Bettis does. So, who’s #3? Verron Haynes, who
is supposed to just handle third-and-short with his power (and decent speed). He might get
more than that by midseason. Lucky for all of them, the Steeler’s line is designed
for the running game. C Jeff Hartings and LG Alan Faneca are perennial starters (and Pro
Bowl candidates) who pull-block and set up the run as good as any OL. RG Kendall Simmons
played poorly last season. His paltry excuse: adult-onset Diabetes. Come on Kendall, you
wimp, get it together. He’s trying to gain back the weight and strength he lost, and
he looks pretty good so far. I hope he does well. It’s a shame he’s “just”
a lineman, who won’t even be considered for Comeback Player of the Year; it will
probably go to Deion Sanders or someone. While’s it’s pretty good inside the OL,
outside is problematic. LT Marvel Smith missed 10 games last season due to a pinched nerve
in his neck (no, really) and Oliver Ross was unspectacular on his good days. Ross may lose
his job to big-ass (6’7”, 359lbs) Max Starks, if he’d play to his size any
time soon.
The Steelers’ habitually
good defense came in ninth overall last season, but there have been some significant
changes in the offseason, so relying on a good Steeler D isn’t as foregone a
conclusion as it has been in the past. NT Casey Hampton is not one of those problems,
however: he went to the Pro Bowl last year by virtue of his elite first- and second-down
skills. He’s so good he might actually rotate in and out in order to provide the push
on critical third-downs. The rest of the DL is in pretty good shape: DEs Aaron Smith and
Kimo van Oelhoffen are both solid guys. Kimo put up eight sacks last season, but he’s
33 and his tank doesn’t run on full all game long without some help. It’s okay,
there are some good backups for the line. Losing LB Jason Gildon was the biggest blow to
the Steelers’ D. It will literally take two guys to replace him: Clark Higgins will
be in on first and second, and Alonzo Jackson, who has better feet, will come in on third.
The Steelers went into last season dedicated to fixing their coverage deficiencies, so
they had OLB Joey Porter drop into coverage a lot. Unfortunately, the pass rush (which
Porter used to bolster and excel in) suffered. DC Dick LeBeau vows to bring back the pass
rush, so except to see Porter back in on the LB blitz. If not Porter, then Kendrell Bell
will be popping in at the line to blitz, since he has never been stellar as a cover guy
(he’s great otherwise, though). Safety is a concern: FS Troy Polamalu, last year’s
First Round Pick, had a pretty slow start last year but was playing pretty well by the
end. SS Brent Anderson was released, so Chris “we” Hope will start. That’s
Chris Hope the safety, not Chris Hoke the DL.
Sheesh, guys. A rookie who did come up fast and strong was CB Ike Taylor. The other CB
spot is in major flux for the moment. Oh, how about opposing teams’ just figuring on
throwing all over the Steelers, hmm? Any team with a good line, run defense, and passing
game will beat the Steelers. I feel bad for Tommy Maddox, the 1-3 start isn’t going
to be his fault. Playing the Raiders on opening day, when they’re all still healthy,
is tough. Likewise the Bengals, Ravens, and Browns, all division rivals with serious bones
to pick (but only the Ravens game is away), plus away games in Miami (another team you don’t
want to play early in the season) and Dallas, I doubt the Steelers will be above .500 by
their bye week in Week Seven. And right after that, it’s hosting New England and
Philly back-to-back. I don’t see the Steelers on the upswing like I do for Cleveland
and Cincy, and the Ravens are never fun to play no matter who the Hell their QB is. No
playoffs for you guys.
 Bill Dungsroman
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