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by Ice Cream Jonsey 01/11/2005, 10:42pm PST

"I was driving down Venice Boulevard," recalled (Kozy's) husband, Dan Kitchens, "and Kozy reached over and grabbed the steering wheel and for a moment was trying to yank it to the right.... (Then) she let go, but kept staring out her window, and then looked back at me kind of stunned and said, 'Sorry. I thought we could pick up that mailbox we just passed."

Wired, one-time belle of the dot-com ball, now sucks cocks for money. Do you remember her? She was never particularly attractive or someone you had at the forefront of your mind, but now for just a few bucks she will go down on you because she's a desperate prostitute who has to just to survive. She's OK with making a joke out of herself or humilating herself, it doesn't matter. Just give her the money. Give her half of the money at the beginning and half of it at the end, or all of it at the beginning, or all of it at the end, it doesn't matter, and yes we can even try some kinky shit, just please pay in CASH.

That's the worst paragraph I've ever read in my entire life. Note that the whole "playing games making you a sociopath in real life" thing doesn't enter into it. I don't give a shit any longer. Congratulations, non-Wired media and dishonorably discharged generals, you win, I totally believe that shooting people with something that maps to real life like a fucking PS2 controller makes you a trained killer, I don't care, whatever you say, you win through sheer stubborness. You care about it a lot more than I do.

But for someone to come up with that whopper of an opener-- ha! Ha! They wouldn't run with that at Pitchfork for Christ's sake. It was the mailbox she wanted to get! People still see mailboxes, too, they're not at all like the painting you have above your couch that you can't even see any more because your mind has blotted it out since it never moves or does anything interesting. She saw the mailbox, which of course she didn't, she was overcome with the need to add just that to her katamari, even though she was riding passenger in a car and not thumbing around a big tape ball, and she instantly broke the social cue you get from birth that stops you from touching the steering wheel in a moving automobile. All of these things happened and then they ran to Wired to talk about it. Also, she spent three days playing Katamari Damacy, as the article implies, which means that she was so totally addicted that, as a retard, she didn't even care if she had to play the game from the beginning the approximately thousand times she would have to for there to be three quality days of gaming there. I will now create my insta-resume for future Wired publications. I work cheap.

"I was working my second summer in the Kodak warehouse," recalled Jonsey, "and Bill all of a sudden got on top of one of the crates. The warehouse we were in was abandoned due to the end of the Cold War or something, I don't know -- government contracts and all -- and I guess some snakes got in there. Suddenly Bill leaps from the crate and lands right on the snake! He then shouted '?#%!' before looking at me kind of stunned and sad and said, 'Sorry, I thought I could kill Coily there for a moment.'"

the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!