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by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 11:42am PST |
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So I spent the last few days in San Antonio TexAYUSS. It's fairly pleasant when it isn't raining, my ex-fiance is from there but who the hell cares, and the Riverwalk is the proverbial tourist trap. I was there on business, some bullshit tissue banking stuff. The conference, and my room, was at the Westin, which I guess was a pretty nice joint, since the Jazz were staying there and eggs and bacon with juice was 20 bucks. The Riverwalk is funny because it's actually the river (flood-controlled, 5 feet deep, and unbelievably easily mistaken for a street since there aren't any rails, the curbs have steps down, and it's just about as wide as a street, plus a small C-shaped loop with another arm sticking off that. I wandered around Saturday night, the first night I was there, plastered and whining WHY DO I KEEP RUNNING INTO THE FUCKING RIVER? And again, it's a tourist trap.
Hey, I'm from Vegas. We don't just trap tourists here, we get them drunk on free booze and then mug them in the rest room, and then laugh as they wander back the airport dead broke ("Is there a free shuttle to the airport?" "Yeah, it's sticking out on the end of your hand there."). So, exhorbitant food and beverage prices don't scare me (that the Alamo was free was a pleasant surprise).
But, my favorite least favorite part of the trip easily was when I and a former co-worker who was also there stopped in at O'Neil's, A Fine Irish Establishment, as the door read. We had just remembered the Alamo but weren't quite ready to dine on some overpriced steaks served by a Mexican waiter who'd really rather not serve or talk to you.
"Two black 'n' tans, please!" I cheerily said to the waitress, as a jukebox played country.
"Oh. We don't have Guinness." An Irish pub that does not serve Guinness is like a...you know, there isn't even a point in using a simile here. An Irish pub that doesn't serve Guinness is like an airplane that doesn't have wings, which makes it a fucking bus and not an airplane at all. get me?
"Okay. Make it two Bass, then."
"We don't have Bass, either."
"Harp?" That would conclude the trifecta of Beers Any Half-Assed Irish Pub Should Serve. By this point, I wouldn't even dare ask for a John Courage.
"Uh, no. We do have Newcastle, though!" She said this like she had just discovered it herself. She ran through the rest of the list, starting with Heineken and immediately dropping into Bud/Miller/Coors variants.
"Okay." Newcastle is fine, really. I'd've settled for Killian's at that point. "Two Newcastle draughts!" {--crazy Irish spelling
"Um...we don't have draft beer."
Immediately I searched for a camera crew. I was clearly being Punk'd. An "Irish" "Pub" that serves no draught beer, no Guinness, no Bass, no Harp (never mind the more obscure U.K. brands)?
Something PING'ed in my head, a boozy memory from the bartender at the Hard Rock (I only went in because it was raining, I swear!). She told of another joint, plus two other places that she said were great - except, she'd never been to any of them.
"Never mind, thanks. Where's Durty Nelly's?"
A half-block away. All the standards, Irish whiskey in special service taps, the crests on the walls, an Irish piano player slurring his way through "No, Nay, Never" with the whole crowd banging exuberantly on the tables at the appropriate part. I bought a T-Shirt, I was so grateful.
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Random Ray!-esque Rant by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 11:42am PST 
I have four things to say. by Fussbett 03/10/2005, 2:37pm PST
Re: I have four things to say. by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 7:20pm PST
Lesson Learned: BDR is a sweaty bastard. by The Cheap Zseni Machine 03/10/2005, 7:27pm PST
Re: Lesson Learned: BDR is a sweaty bastard. by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 7:32pm PST
Re: Lesson Learned: BDR is a sweaty bastard. by The Cheap Zseni Machine 03/10/2005, 8:13pm PST
Re: Lesson Learned: BDR is a sweaty bastard. by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/10/2005, 8:56pm PST
Re: Lesson Learned: BDR is a sweaty bastard. by I need clarification 03/11/2005, 7:05pm PST
You can now get AIM messages through Caltrops! by Ice Cream Jonsey 03/11/2005, 8:22pm PST
Oops, that was gubbi's first crush. by Fussbett 03/10/2005, 11:11pm PST
Looking? Where? NT by Mysterio 03/11/2005, 2:05am PST
My records NT by Fussbett 03/11/2005, 2:51am PST
Actually, none of us care. by The Entire Internet 03/11/2005, 4:04am PST
You can't quote properly and don't recognize irony. You're a bad human. NT by Fussbett 03/11/2005, 4:45am PST
Definitely the Internet, then. NT by Bill Dungsroman 03/11/2005, 9:28am PST
Irony is not automatically interesting. Save this boring shit for a blog, fag. NT by Irony (Deceased: 9/11/2001) 03/12/2005, 9:19pm PST
In other other news, the title of this PowerPoint slide I'm working on right NOW by Fussbett 03/12/2005, 9:49pm PST
What an extraordinary sentence! by Caltrops New Visitor Bot 03/12/2005, 9:55pm PST
You stole the End of Irony thing from the Onion, which makes you worthless NT by Souffle of Pain 03/12/2005, 11:40pm PST
Factually and Objectively incorrect. by Irony (Deceased: 9/11/2001) 03/13/2005, 4:05am PST
Re: Factually and Objectively incorrect. by Bill Dungsroman 03/13/2005, 12:20pm PST
So are Texans as hot as legends say? NT by Mysterio 03/10/2005, 3:30pm PST
If you like gigantic bangs on your women, then I guess so. Otherwise, no. NT by E. L. Koba 03/10/2005, 3:41pm PST
Eh, guess it must be the younger generation then. by Mysterio 03/10/2005, 5:21pm PST
...or you get off on big bangs. NT by Fussbett 03/10/2005, 7:10pm PST
Funny roadsigns you see while driving through the south by Mischief Maker 03/13/2005, 11:40am PST
Re: Funny roadsigns you see while driving through the south by Ray of Light 03/13/2005, 1:00pm PST
Favorite porn shop name: TeXXXas, across street from not even trying ADULT SHOP NT by bombMexico 03/14/2005, 12:20am PST
Re: Favorite porn shop name: TeXXXAYUSS! NT by Beck 03/15/2005, 12:02am PST
Do you like your women Latin, short, and pudgy? Then, hell yes! by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 7:29pm PST
I didn't notice the heat but those bitches are HUMID. NT by Ray of Light 03/11/2005, 7:04am PST
Re: Random Ray!-esque Rant by laudablepuss 03/10/2005, 5:57pm PST
Re: Random Ray!-esque Rant by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 7:43pm PST
San Antonio is trash. by conflictNo 03/10/2005, 9:24pm PST
And I TOOK IT THE FUCK OUT. by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 9:53pm PST
There are more ghosts than Irish in San Antonio by conflictNo 03/10/2005, 10:39pm PST
Yeah, but most of them are Mexican or Spanish. So like WHO CARES. NT by Bill Dungsroman 03/10/2005, 11:48pm PST
I hate fucking San Antonio. Empirically, it's awful. NT by I need clarification 03/11/2005, 7:02pm PST
INC doesn't like San Antonio NT by binkbot 03/24/2005, 2:27pm PST
Retarded ator posts something. NT by Bill Dungsroman 03/24/2005, 2:38pm PST
Bill Dungsroman doesn't tolerate silliness. NT by binkbot 03/24/2005, 2:51pm PST
Zseni, or Zseni imitator, give themselves away. NT by Casual observer 03/24/2005, 2:55pm PST
How to get me to stay: ATOR me every single day. {GROAN} NT by bink 03/24/2005, 3:32pm PST
bink doesn't quite understand what an ATOR is. NT by binkbot 03/24/2005, 4:04pm PST
binkbot doesn't understand what humor is NT by Bill Dungsroman 03/24/2005, 5:12pm PST
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