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| The Worst Porn Film I Ever Watched by Bill Dungsroman 01/17/2003, 2:23pm PST | ||||
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| What was I, 18 at the time? A high school buddy of mine had this porn flick, who knows where/how he got it. But it was porn, and in my high school days, the idea of internet porn was limited to ASCII impressionism. So an actual porn film was a coveted prize. I borrowed it, my friend and I laughing nervously over the exchange.
"It's funny, dude," my buddy said. I laughed. "Yeah, well, sure, I have to see how funny it is." Meanwhile, we both knew the truth, as Creexul once said: It's hard to laugh while you're beating off. But a pretense was required at 18. I had viewed pitiful few porn films by this time. When I was 14, my other pal and I discovered his uncle's stash while visiting his house in California. Imagine each of us excusing ourselves during the film to "take a leak." You'd think we were mainlining Mountain Dew, how agitated and polyuric we were in that hour and twenty minutes. Then, another pal lent me one when I was 16, which was pretty awful as well. I guess I was on a two year schedule for porn viewings. Anyway, the flick in question: Star Virgin. A doubly ironic title, since the lead girl (heretofore known as TSV) was neither of those things. Unless you count being featured as a Hustler Honey and that she only used a large silly-looking dildo instead of an actual penis in her only sex scene. And that was the final scene, her squirming around on a gym mat using a "futuristic" robotic dildo on herself. Whoopee. The rest of the vignettes weren't much more fulfilling. Now, porn films obviously aren't known for their story or organic transitions between scenes, but any clips taped together at random wouldn't be any less coherent than whatever retarded pretense this film had for using its scenes. Let's back up a bit. The first 15 minutes of the tape itself (how old was it? A yellowing black and white label on the top proudly announced it was "VHS") were preview clips of other, presumably better, pornos. Attractive fair such as the seminal Taboo, for instance. Since I watched this tape about 5 million times, I even remember the voice-over. "Taboo has it all!" "Even by today's standards, shocking!" "Starring Kay Parker and Mike Ranger as the stud, her son." "And sizzling T.J. Carson, voted The Girl You Most Wanna Fuck." I missed that poll, I guess. I actually watched Taboo a few years later with Ashley, my second girlfriend (she liked porn, or at least pretended to). Decent, if antiquated, filth. Other paragons of cinime verite previewed included Never So Deep with the tag line "If you liked 'Throat, you'll love Deep. Never So Deep, that is," Little Girls 2: A Touch Of Blue, some film with thirty-year-olds pretending to be Girl Scouts, and a few others I don't remember except one bit where I guy is licking some blonde's pussy and says "What a big cunt, big cunt." She says, in poorly-executed distaste, 'Ugh. You didn't have to say it twice." To which he replies, his face still hovering near her gaping snatch, "Hey, I only said it once-once-once" as some lame attempt at an echo loops his last utterance. I almost pissed myself when the guy in Predator told that joke. Anyway, the plot of Star Virgin, such as it is, involves - I think - a test-tube baby born in space, on a ship going nowhere, piloted by the cheesiest, cheapest looking R2D2 ripoff ever. Basically, imagine a midget in a garbage can covered head to toe in tin foil, with a mouth poorly cut in front and bordered with electrical tape, speaking like some dude imitating a robot voice. The spaceship set makes the ship from Barbarella look like the Sulaco from Aliens. Anyway, TSV has questions about sexuality, since she's going through puberty, apparently 20 years later than anyone on Earth does (to be fair, she was probably in her mid-20's). The robot decides to show her some poorly-filmed porn clips to teach her. Actually, I've seen worse plots in porn flicks, but the execution here is the killer. The first scene is - rationally enough - an Adam and Eve retelling. Unfortunately, instead of having them run around naked in a forest, like any retard with half a brain would have had, the story is inexplicably set in 1950's America. Adam is a cool Fonzie type (really an ugly loser with a sad Greaser hairdo), and Eve is a sock-hopper (really a skinny bleach-blond who sounds mildly retarded when she talks). He gives her a ride home from school in his bitchin' Chevy convertible. They drive off to some scraggly-looking park to get it on. And hey! The snake is there. But he's not a snake, he's a fat guy with aviator sunglasses, a stupid mustache and a cigar, sitting in a green too-tight jumpsuit up a tree. He instructs the guy on what to do to the girl, puncuating each command with a waggle of his fat toungue, blue cigar smoke billowing nauseatingly around it, as a rattlesnake sound effect chitters. It starts out tame enough, a dispirited blowjob as Fonzie interjects absurdities the retarded director of this farce no doubt insisted he do, such as comb his hair self-consciously and remind the girl to "Not tell the guys" they were together. Apparently, he's a member of a gay biker gang. Then, any chance I had at jerking off to this tepid scene dissolves completely as the snake tell Fonzie to stick his banana in her. Oh wait, you see, I misheard - not his banana, a banana, one hanging off the tree by a string. So he does just that, peels and shoves a banana up her cunt, even pausing to suck and then bite it off at one point. Could this get any more repulsive? Yes, because now the snake tells Fonzie to eat her peach. But...but, not her peach, a can of peaches (also hanging absurdly from the tree by a string). So he opens the can (somehow) and starts smearing canned peaches all over her snatch. Have you ever seen canned peaches? Well, you don't want to see them oozing out of some skank's snatch, believe me. And he EATS some of them! Then he fucks her, with slimy bits of peach still sticking to her ass cheeks, like an impromptu abortion. Awful, simply awful. The sex scene takes too long, with her standing up holding onto the windshield, barely conscious. I'm completely limp by this point. The next scene takes place during a college football game, so a transition from high school to college is there, more points for the director. A cheerleading squad of hoes clumsily does an uninspired, uncoordinated cheer. It's mostly to show that they're wearing skimpy little red undies, definitely not within the National Association of Cheerleaders' (or whatever) guidelines. The end of the cheer, I remember, is something like "...then you can kiss our ASS!" and then they wiggle their flabby bottoms as said bottoms hungrily engulf said skimpy red undies. Then a scene of the star QB getting sacked and having to go to the locker room. The coach pleads with homeboy to wake up, tosses a glass of water in his face, even sissy slaps him, to no avail. Eventually coach gives up and leaves. Well, the cheerleaders realize they must do what every girl in a bad cheerleader outfit must do in porn, so they go and fuck him back to life. This is actually the most normal scene in the whole film, but it's poorly shot for the most part and hard to get off on. The next scene has a set-up that I don't even remember, but it must have been ludicrous. Suddenly we're in one of the worst strip bars ever. The girl on stage is a trashy brunette who writhes around unconvincingly (although she is pretty flexible), saying the word "pussy" in a bad French accent over and over, as if to emphasize where you should be looking while she dances. Finally, she takes some dude's cigarette (wait! It's Mike Ranger - the stud, her son) and blows smoke out her box with it. Who isn't turned on by that? Then, suddenly, our hero Mike is backstage with the stripper and some vaguely Asian looking broad, and about twelve other guys. Oh boy, it's a gang bang! So a bunch of guys fuck these two skanks. Highlights include the only sound being some random girl moaning "Oh, oh" repeated every few minutes and a guy in his 60s beating his wrinkled limp pud while watching the proceedings. Don't worry Dad, I can't get it up for this trash either. The last scene is the climactic one with TSV. Boooring. It opens with her writhing around on the gym mat - excuse me, futuristic space floor - since those Godawful clips before apparently got her going. She's begging the robot to do something. I thought he might fuck her himself, or bring out some clone dude to do it. After the dingy trollops I had been subjected to by this time, a Hustler Honey was looking damn good. Again, kudos to the director for his deft use of relativity to make TSV hot. So the robot literally says "Al-right-you-lit-tle-slut," pulls some clunky lever, and BOOP! in pops this dildo with a bunch of stupid buttons and crap on it. She wanks herself with it, quite unconvincingly, and I rewind to the previews to jerk off to the clips from Never So Deep. Maybe that's why I'm so aurally inclined. Look what I had to look at. BDR |
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The Worst Porn Film I Ever Watched by 01/17/2003, 2:23pm PST  Re: The Worst Porn Film I Ever Watched by 01/17/2003, 3:58pm PST Re: The Worst Porn Film I Ever Watched by 01/17/2003, 5:52pm PST Norm MacDonald rules. -nt- NT by 01/18/2003, 3:29am PST I guess once a comedian's dead it's open season on stealing his jokes. by 11/13/2009, 12:11pm PST No Norm is still alive. by 11/13/2009, 12:23pm PST Re: The Worst Porn Film I Ever Watched by 01/17/2003, 5:56pm PST It's time to talk about porn! by 01/18/2003, 12:01pm PST Re: It's time to talk about porn! by 01/18/2003, 9:00pm PST Re: The Worst Porn Film I Ever Watched by 01/17/2003, 10:34pm PST Re: DVD kid by 01/18/2003, 6:59am PST Re: DVD kid by 11/13/2009, 8:21pm PST |
