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Alien vs. Predator is fucking horrible by FABIO 08/26/2004, 11:16pm PDT
Makes Freddy vs. Jason seem like 5 stars. Freddy vs. Jason was also horrible, but had two things going for it: the final 5 minute fight at the very end where the two beat the living fuck out of each other, and tits. AvP has neither.

A team of experts are called in to travel to a remote area where a recent alien artifact has been discovered. They travel there with a military escort that the scientists distrust because guns are icky. Oh no a big storm is heading their way and will isolate them! The scientists then discover aliens in Deep Star Six, Sphere THE ABYSS and it's countless rehashes

Can people not working for the sci-fi channel seriously make these kind of movies with a straight face anymore? Actually, in AvP the big storm has no effect on the story and is never mentioned again. I guess when the computer coughed out the script's formula it just systematically included that part.

Anyways yeah most of it is Freddy vs. Jason with just humans freaking out and getting killed. The thing is though, this movie takes an HOUR for anything to happen. The entire first 60 minutes is everyone getting recruited for the expedition (ripped directly from Mission Impossible) and the expedition heading to Antartica and the people being briefed on the expedition and the expedition base being set up ("We'll use this base as our base camp" is just one example of the great dialog) and the expedition climbing down a tunnel and the expedition exploring empty rooms. The director decides to get back to his Resident Evil roots and has all sorts of booby traps start going off, because that's what really fucking makes a monster movie: booby traps.

Then humans start dying. You don't care about any of them; there's Patrick Stewart in blackface, some dyke, a nerd, assertive grrl power scientist (why is every single recent horror movie's main character a chick?) and the bumbling, bed-shitting Scot from Train Spotting playing the exact same role (not the shit part, the movie itself takes care of that).

This movie still thinks that glimpses of aliens followed by closeups of them dripping saliva right next to a person is supposed to scare us. Then Predators show up. An alien starts fighting a predator soon after, and you start thinking the movie might not be so bad after all and will avoid Freddy vs Jason's biggest mistake (title combatants not fighting till the last 10 minutes). It might have anyways, if the AvP fights didn't SUCK. The camera work is cheap and horrible during these bits. Most of it is an alien lying on top of a predator with quick cuts and more implied action than anime. Every single time there is movement it cuts to a blurred closeup of a wrist blade or a tail arcing through the air, then back to them lying on top of each other like some inter-species porno.

So that boring fight lasts for 2 minutes, where ONE alien kills TWO predators (there are only 3), and then a face hugger impregnates (for some reason the gestation time for humans in this movie is only 5 minutes) the third, pretty much mortally wounding him. The moral of the story is that predators are complete pussies without their shoulder cannons.

A month ago I predicted that the only survivors would be one man and one woman. Turns out I was wrong, but the truth turns out to be much worse. The grrrl power main character teams up with the predator to take out the aliens. She arms herself with a severed alien tail and head THAT SHE CARRIES AROUND AND USES LIKE A SWORD AND SHIELD. That concept would seem retarded on a fucking action figure, and it's fifty times more ridiculous on the screen (half of the theater burst out laughing when we saw it). The two become all chummy when the woman shouts "I'M COMING WITH YOU!" to the killing machine predator (with a heart of gold!).

Remember how the predator's self destruct device was employed as a some sort of HIGH explosive seppuku to signal their defeat in personal combat? Well in here they reach the egg chamber and he just rips it off and throws it like a grenade. The next few minutes are a montage of cliche action movie moments with about two dozen shots of people jumping over chasms and the duo running side by side away from the final self destruct explosion (this is after two dozen standard horror movie shots of someone sensing something behind them and slowly turning around). They escape by riding on some magical mining winch that pulls them up out of the explosion at about 200 miles per hour. Like always, the queen alien escapes* the destruction and they fight her. The predator is mortally wounded and it's implied the woman is all like WE GOT HIM, BUDDY! DONT YOU DIE ON ME DAMMIT WE HAVE HELP CHOPPERING IN! Then the other predators show up to cart off their comrade's dead body as they present the human with a trophy. I guess Paul Anderson couldn't think of an ending, so he just used Predator 2's.

*The pyramid is supposed to be some 5000 year old predator hunting ground, with the queen all chained up and kept frozen until a hunt is on where she's thawed out. In the movie she escapes by having the other aliens bleed acid on the chains to melt them. WHY DID IT TAKE 5000 YEARS TO THINK OF THIS?

A horrible, horrible movie. If this review seems rambling it's because me and my friend went to a bar afterwards to try and drink away the memory of this turd. I'm looking for my old copy of Aliens vs Predator (the first one) to remind myself that the concept is still cool. They could have ripped off the VIDEOGAME PLOT and made a better movie. Wasn't the comic like the Earth is completely overrun by aliens and thousands of predators arrive to hunt them? Remember that one brief scene in the previews where hundreds of aliens were swarming all over the pyramid? Fucking LIES. This is what happens when a low budget movie tries to be a $50+ million blockbuster; you end up with cramped warehouse settings where everything is darkened in hopes that you won't notice the shitty sets and CGI effects (Wing Commander, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, any Sci Fi channel original movie).

This flick is proof that Hollywood execs are starting to wise up. They realize that the audience for these types of movies will go see them no matter what because they masturbate to the source material, so they don't have to put any money or effort into making them good. Hell, it's what I'd do.
Alien vs. Predator is fucking horrible by FABIO 08/26/2004, 11:16pm PDT NEW
    PG-13. NT by conflictNo 08/26/2004, 11:56pm PDT NEW
    And by Ray of Light 08/27/2004, 12:34am PDT NEW
    Budgets by Pedant 08/27/2004, 1:03am PDT NEW
    Maybe there'll be a Predator+Power Grrl porn spin off. NT by Gubbi (hopeful) 08/27/2004, 9:17am PDT NEW
    Re: Alien vs. Predator is fucking horrible by I need clarification 08/30/2004, 9:33pm PDT NEW
        Duh, you have to make up stories about meeting Tarantino before youre an insider NT by OGF's revenge 08/30/2004, 9:47pm PDT NEW
            You should have spelled it "your." B+ NT by I need clarification 08/30/2004, 10:17pm PDT NEW
                actually, it's "you're" NT NT by vh 10/10/2004, 2:26am PDT NEW
                    Wow. NT by Creexul :( 10/10/2004, 7:27am PDT NEW
    the director hated it too by Asmo 09/04/2004, 12:54am PDT NEW
        This feels like an actual selling point for the director's cut. by Worm 09/04/2004, 10:47am PDT NEW
            speaking of DVD sales gimmicks by FABIO 09/04/2004, 5:05pm PDT NEW
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