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| Top Ten Worst Things I've Slacked Off To by Ray, of Light 03/11/2003, 4:14pm PST | ||||
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| I can't match Bill's decathalon of hedonism, but my skill -- nay, mastery -- of work-avoidance did not come about by chance. It's a talent I've prized and nurtured since childhood, and I'd like to share the evidence with all of you.
10. Task: Complete Engineering Homework Strategy: Befriend Foreigners Chinese? An obvious choice, but they have some kind of honor/self-respect thing going that makes them all squeamish about sharing their work. The Indian and Pakistani guys, however, would readily fork over, in trade for other assignments. I built a tidy network of "cells" and a rep for having only first-hand work -- fewer errors and less risk. Outcome: Victory. 9. Task: Buy New Shoes Strategy: See if Old Shoes Get Better They don't. Outcome: Defeat. 8. Task: See Doctor about Thing on Neck Strategy: Snip I had a small, globular mole hanging on my neck by its tiny umbilical cord. It was there my whole life, but became onerous when I started wearing collared shirts. I used scissors. Outcome: Victory. I was surprised at how much it hurt. 7. Task: Ask Out Girl who is already a Friend Strategy: Malign all other Males, Make Self Only Logical Choice This was in high school. My solution was initially effective, but did not scale. Outcome: Defeat. 6. Task: Pay Bills Strategy: Don't The phone, cable, and parking-ticket guys are great. The power, landlord, and speeding-ticket guys are ruthless. Outcome: Mixed. 5. Task: Learn Freshman Calculus, in 12 hours Strategy: Shop for a Van This was the night before the final. Integration by parts was chafing me, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I'm ever to be happy, I must own a van. I had neither money for nor need of a van, but still spent hours browsing listings, learning about vans and a few things about myself: am I a cargo-van guy, or more of a mini-van guy? Is all-wheel drive important to me? How often will I need to tow? Outcome: Victory. Inspired to succeed, I pulled an all-nighter studying, then concocted an illness and received a final grade based on copied assignments. 4. Task: Get Haircut Strategy: Expand Definition of Hairstyle A uncut head of hair looks pretty wacky after 18 months, but most people mistook it for soulfulness. Outcome: Victory. 3. Task: Wipe Ass Strategy: Shower This one seemed like a sure winner. If anything, I was ahead of my time: I'll try this again when shower drain design has advanced somewhat. Outcome: Defeat. 2. Task: Get out of Tent, Vomit Strategy: Vomit-in-Place If you throw up inside a tent and go back to sleep, be prepared to awake in a new kind of hell. Outcome: Defeat. 1. Task: Fulfill Title's Promise Strategy: Self-referential Joke Outcome: ???. Ray! |
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